Beware of Llama

Hubby toasts potential llama acquistion

It’s my favorite time of year. We turn the clocks back, we gain an hour of sleep and my mailbox fills with the strangest assortment of holiday catalogues. Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa. Bring it on. I can’t get enough. I’m a junky. Despite the shaky economy, the opportunities to blow money are endless. I can buy a neon jukebox, a snow mobile, a five-foot tall steel menorah. I can even buy a llama. And seriously, why wouldn’t I? How many times does a llama come along? I’ve been around a while, and this is my first shot at purchasing livestock.  I’ll admit the llama option came as a surprise.

For $150, I could “light up a life with a llama.” For $5,000, I could spring for an entire ark. We’re talking cows, sheep, camels, oxen, pigs, goats. You get the picture. Two by two, that’s a lot of animals to feed.  As I flipped through the catalogue, debating how many llamas to buy, I couldn’t believe all the name-dropping going on in there. Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton, Diane Lane and Susan Sarandon. Each one had something pithy to say about the healing nature of rabbits and water buffaloes.

I called up my husband at work to get his opinion on the matter. “Honey, how do you feel about llamas?” “Why do you ask?” he said. “Oh, I was thinking we could get one for Hanukkah. It would be the perfect gift for Scotty, don’t you think? What 18 year old wouldn’t love to have a llama? And it’s only $150.”

Hubby sounded less than enthused. “He’s going away to college soon. We’ll get stuck taking care of it.” “I know, but Susan Sarandon has two llamas, and she lives in New York City. Barbara Bush has cows. Bono has goats, sheep and donkeys. Bill Clinton has an alpaca, a flock of geese and four camels.” “Hmm,” my husband said. “Sounds pricey. Let me think about it.” “Okay, but don’t take too long. They might run out. I don’t want to back-order a llama. What fun is that?”

Next came a long sigh. I reminded him that my friend Connie has a burro named Cricket. “Listen, if you want a llama, if you really can’t live without one, go for it. What’s one more mouth to feed?” Is it any wonder why I married the man? I should’ve asked for a llama a long time ago. I called the toll-free number and waited to talk to a representative.  “Heifer International, how may I help you?” a woman said. “I’d like to buy a llama, please. I like the gray one on page 23.” “We can’t guarantee the color, ma’am.” “Why not?” “Sometimes they’re white. Is white okay?” “I guess I can live with white. But I prefer gray, if you can swing it.”

I gave her my credit card number and asked how soon I’d get my llama. “Hanukkah starts December 11,” I told her. “Will I have it by then? And does it come UPS?” “You don’t actually get the llama,” she said. “I don’t? Then why did I just pay for it?” “It’s a donation, ma’am.” “You’re telling me I don’t get a llama?” “That’s right, ma’am.” “What do I get?” “You get the satisfaction of knowing you’re bringing help, healing and hope to millions of impoverished families worldwide.” “One llama can do all that?” “One llama is a good start. You can donate as many animals as you like. We’re having a special on sheep this week, if you’re interested.” “I’ll just stick with the llama.” “How about a beehive? For another $30, you can help pollinate a village in Uganda.” “Did Susan Sarandon buy a beehive?” “She bought eight.” “I’ll take two beehives and one llama.” “Anything else?” “I’m done.” “If you change your mind, you know where to find us.”