Two words: Shut up!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Kina hora: A magical phrase to ward off the evil eye or to show one's praises are genuine and not tainted by envy. Example: "I haven't had a cold/parking ticket/jury duty summons in five years, kina hora." Without the kina hora, trust me, you'll have that cold/parking ticket/jury duty summons by mid-day, tomorrow. Kina hora is one of the few universal laws I believe in, completely.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:29 AM
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:46 AM
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Rest, you've had a long day
No question, this was my easiest pregnancy. There was no morning sickness. No heartburn. No weight gain. No elastic waist bands or built-in pouches to conceal my bulging belly. And talk about an easy labor. No contractions. No cries of “Get this thing outta me now!” No need for an epidural. All hubby and I had to do was throw wads of money at a strange woman with lipstick-stained teeth, and the bundle of joy landed right in my lap.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:20 AM
Monday, April 26, 2010
Growing up, my favorite Americal Idol was Dorothy Gale of Kansas. I wanted to be her. I wanted her hair, her ruby slippers and her little dog Toto. I wanted to dance with the Scarecrow and comfort the Cowardly Lion. I admired Dorothy's courage and chutzpah and the ballsy way she handled that Wicked Witch of the West. The fact that Dorothy took her down with a bucket of water gave me hope. It gave me reason to believe that maybe, if you met your fears head on, just like Dorothy did, if you didn’t back down, you just might melt a few demons of your own some day.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:27 AM
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Mel Brooks, comedian, actor and producer who gave the world "Blazing Saddles," "Young Frankenstein" and "The Producers," not to mention "Spaceballs," a personal fav, finally got a star Friday on the Hollywood Walk of Fame -- the 2,406th star, in case anyone's counting -- during a nice ceremony in front of the Egyptian Theatre. His son, Max, and best friend, Carl Reiner, attended. A mere lad of 83, Brooks has won Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony awards, and is working on a musical version of "Blazing Saddles." Mazel tov. Here's the hilarious "Hitler Rap," promoting "To Be Or Not To Be," a great movie you should rent and enjoy, immediately, if not sooner.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:41 AM
Friday, April 23, 2010
Keep away, he's mine
1. Touring tattoo parlors with Michelle "Bombshell" McGee
2. Studying Kate Gosselin's Best Dance Moves
3. Letting Stacy London of "What Not to Wear" into my closet
4. Feuding with Lindsay Lohan, Michael Lohan, any Lohan
5. Visiting Jesse James in rehab
6. Shopping on Melrose with Lady Gaga
7. Shaving off Brad Pitt's scraggly beard
8. Stalking Matthew Fox, due to restraining order
9. Teaching Heather Locklear how to drive
10. Parading the 'hood in that Dior gown Jen Aniston loaned me
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:10 AM
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:33 AM
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:53 AM
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The Coachella Boys (Scotty & Billy)
Monday afternoon, the Volvo unloaded two tired looking dudes who resemble the collective gene pool, but not each other. The question heard on the grounds of Coachella: You're brothers?! You don't look anything alike. Oh, but they do. They share the same sick sense of humor, the same love of bodily noises, the same love of music, or why else would they have ventured to the desert?
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:24 AM
Monday, April 19, 2010
I didn't expect to see him on Sunday. Had I known he'd be sitting there, eating humus and pita in that odd little dive on Ventura Boulevard, I would've worn the other pair. I know how he gets. He's the jealous type; always has been. Suspicious of others in his line of work. The wind kicked up, and I thought, "Oh no, not him. Not today." I moved quickly toward my car, but he saw me anyway. Got up from the table, left his lady there, and came outside to greet me with a hug and biting sideways glance. "So," he said, "how are you? Why haven't you stopped by?" "I've been sick," I said. "Ah," he said, eyeballing me again. I started to sweat. "Come in, have a seat, have some food." "I can't," I said, looking for an out. "I'm due home." He shrugged. He knew what that meant. "How is he?" "Good. Except -- " I stopped myself. "Except what?" he asked. "His glasses are lopsided." "He needs to come in and see me." "He will." "When?" "Soon." "9:30 Tuesday is good for me." "It's not good for him." "Tell him to call me." "I will."
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 10:01 AM
Saturday, April 17, 2010
The sons are at Coachella, a haven for music, halter tops, flip flops, burnt shoulders and noses and please-don't-tell-me-what-else. When it comes to this grand desert festival, attended annually by one, if not both, of the boys, I would prefer not to know more than necessary. Did you arrive in one piece? Check. Are you still in one piece? Check. Are you having fun? Check. Spare me the details, I'm begging you.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:07 AM
Friday, April 16, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:16 AM
Thursday, April 15, 2010
So it's Andrew going home. I called that twice, did I not? I got it right, finally. The bromance between Andrew and Lee ended in huggies and tears. Andrew had such promise, but when you peak with "Straight Up," there's nowhere to go but down. Yet, fret not, fans. He'll reunite with Lee D. on the Idol tour, he'll make some coin. It's all good. Katie's well-deserved dismissal surprised me, in that I thought Aaron was the one getting the cowboy boot, or possibly Siobhan, but I threw Katie in there as a tentative back-up. Give me a few points for that, at least. Even the SJG gets it wrong now and then, people. Much like the Elephant Man, I. Am. A. Human. Being.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:43 AM
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:19 AM
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Dear DIVA Scholarship Applicant,
Congratulations on your decision to apply for our DIVA scholarship, following your recent bout of bronchitis. The DIVA Board of Directors heard it through the grapevine that you, the Short Jewish Gal, failed to milk your illness for all that it was worth. Rather than make endless demands for chicken soup, foot massages, violin concertos, hair extensions, makeup and good lighting, you chose to suffer alone on the sofa, sipping tea and watching "Julie and Julia" over and over till your eyes sealed shut. According to your husband, aka Hubby, Mr. "Just Back From Vegas," the worst that you got, during the course of your cough-centric sickness, was "a little edgy."
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:54 AM
Monday, April 12, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:36 AM
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Every Sunday, and I do mean every Sunday of my childhood, my grandparents came over and the family sat in the den, sipped Coke, ate pretzels and listened to comedy albums. Sometimes Nicols and May, sometimes Allan Sherman. Our favorite was, "You Don't Have To Be Jewish." One-liners from this album punctuate my life. "When you've got money, you can travel." "Does that mean you're not coming?" "We shouldn't mix in." Here's a classic: "The Reading of the Will."
The Picasso from back of the store, and everything!
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:00 AM
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Last night's revival meeting on "Idol" once again reaffirmed why this show still cracks the SJG up in more ways than one. It's the unexpected that keeps this sleep-deprived resident of Sherman Oaks coming back, year after freakin' year. No one in the universe, not even Nostradamus himself, who, as history proves, predicted the whole "American Idol" phenomenon, could've prognosticated the mega switcheroonie that went down Wednesday eve. I thought Andrew was a goner. I said it. I called it. I prepared for the event. I gave myself an up-do for the send-off. I tattooed the side of my neck. If that's not dedication, I don't know what is, my friends.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:15 AM
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:37 AM
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Who is that masked cougher?
Last night, in the middle of yet another 3 a.m. bark-a-thon, which I can only hope woke up the party boys next door, I sat my cough down and gave it a good talking to, and it went something like this:
Me: Hey, cough, are you listening?
Cough: Hack, hack.
Me: Do you know how many times you've embarrassed me in the past 32 years?
Cough: You mean 52?
Sunday, April 4, 2010
It couldn't hurt
Whenever I suffer a nasty bronchial bout, as is this case right now, my doctor puts me on these cute little gems called predisnone. Maybe you've tried them yourself. If so, I hope you're still married. Prednisone is the leading cause of marital discord in America today, for the simple reason that it makes you certifiably mischuga in every way. Alas, it's the only medicine capable of calming the bark-a-thon inside my chest. The side-effects are legendary in my home. Forget the flatulence, the day-long jitters, the ability to move furniture with my mind. That's the fun part. It's the emotional component that sends my people running in terror. Even the pharmacy knows to put the following warning on the bottle: "FYI: This pill turns you into a hateful bitch."
Friday, April 2, 2010
I finally got that full head of foliage
Spring has sprung. Don't deny it. It has, too. Maybe not in your neck of the woods, but over here in Sherman Oaks, I'm so full of spring, so overly-pollinated, that with proper watering, I could be my own Chia Head. Given my personal pollen count, grass and flowers would bloom from my scalp, I'm sure of it. A couple spritzes of Miracle Gro would bring forth the daisies, but then I'd sneeze even more, and I'm already doing enough of that as it is, so I'll stick with hair spray. Sneezing and wheezing eat up most of my day, and I'm not talking dainty little girly-girl sneezes. My sneezes are thunderous. They're a force to be reckoned with, I promise you. My sneezes echo and roar and knock down passersby. I scare old ladies and children with my stereophonic ACHOOs. One look at my red nose, my watery eyes and dark circles and folks run the other way in fear. Of course, not everyone bolts on my behalf. Hubby tells me I've never looked lovelier. This explains why I married him; he tells it like it is, even when it's not true.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 12:59 PM
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 10:35 AM