Saturday, July 31, 2010
Bring back Paula!
Eldest: Ellen DeGeneres is taking over for Simon?
Me: Where have you been?
Me: She just quit the show. Simon's gone, too.
Youngest: How do you not know that?
Eldest: I don't give a @#$% about "American Idol."
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:27 AM
Friday, July 30, 2010
What's for lunch? The SJG on rye
The scary news out of Yellowstone reminds me just how lucky I am to be alive. Years ago, I had quite the near-death experience, at the hands of a bear. Make that two bears. Ask hubby. He was there. In fact, I'm pretty sure he's the reason we almost died. I try not to bring it up too often -- only on special occasions. Birthdays. Anniversaries. "Happy birthday! Remember when you almost got us killed?" "Happy anniversary, darling. Thank God we're here to celebrate." Why dwell on the past? That's my motto. Except we almost died!
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:22 AM
Thursday, July 29, 2010
The SJG gets some work
The quest for beauty: does it ever end? Based on my own scientific research, uh, no. It's on-going. Luckily for me, I have my own beauty team at my beck and call. Sadly, the numbers have dwindled. There used to be four involved with the maintenance of the SJG. A while back, my facialist quit in a huff. "I can't deal with these pores any longer," she said. "Plus, it would be nice if you paid for my services."
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:43 AM
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The news that Daniel Schorr, the legendary political journalist, died on Friday at the age of 93, sent me back in time to my days as a cub reporter on the Daily Bruin. It was 1975. I was a freshman at UCLA when Daniel Schorr made an appearance at Royce Hall during the height of his fame. He'd landed on Nixon's Enemies List and had much to say about the matter. For some reason, either a clerical error or serious lapse in editorial judgment, I got to interview him after his speech. Nervous gal that I've always been, I was terrified. The mere idea of sitting across from this notorious ass-kicker thrilled and intimidated me and messed with my keppie.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:57 AM
Monday, July 26, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 11:38 AM
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Closed Monday - Friday
"I'm bored," says the eldest. How can he be bored? He's only been up for 15 minutes, and it's 1 o'clock. Since I have nothing else to do, I wade into his bottomless pit of despair. "What are you bored with?" "Everything," he says. "Everybody." Glutton for punishment, I push ahead. "What can I do to help?" "Find me a job," he says. "But the other day, you told me to stop helping you." "I did not." "Uh, yes you did."
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:49 AM
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:21 AM
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Armed & Dangerous
Levi Johnston, the text-messaging, hunky Playgirl centerfold, was spotted earlier today on the Alaskan interstate, running for his life. Eyewitnesses reported seeing a "super hot" woman with brown hair and stylish glasses chasing after him, flailing a rifle in the air and yelling, "Forgive and forget? Eff that!"
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:36 AM
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Reunited and it feels so good!
If you're anything like the SJG, you did a little dance this morning when you heard the news: Bristol and Levi are back together. Woo-hoo! And they're engaged. (Again). And they're practicing abstinence (unlike before). I'm so delighted, just thinking about Sarah Palin's mounting level of aggravation, the overall WTF rolling off her folksy tongue, that I don't know what to do with myself. I'm way past giddy.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:34 AM
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
All day long, we hear ding, ding, ding. Upstairs, downstairs: Ding, ding, ding. This tells us that the youngest has just received a new text message. Ding, ding, ding. Here comes another one. It drives us somewhat insane. "Turn it off!" "Turn it down!" "Put it on vibrate." He does none of the above. Last night, as we watch a rerun of a rerun, three of us take a vote. We can't take another ding, ding, ding. The eldest feels particularly adamant. "@#$% that ding!" The youngest smiles. "You want me to change it?" "We want you to make it stop." He starts fiddling around, and a minute later, instead of ding, ding, ding, we get this: Aooooga! Aoooga! Aooga! Gevalt. That's much worse than ding, ding, ding. He fiddles around more, just to eff with us. With each text alert comes new aggravation. Ding dong. Ting ting. Drip, drip. Beep, beep. Buzzzzz, buzzzzz. Boing, boing. Tick tock, tick tock. "How about something nice, a little intrusive, like a shofar?" I suggest. Sadly, a shofar text alert doesn't exist. But in my opinion, it should. Hmm. Maybe in time for the High Holidays? Ca-ching!
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:19 AM
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Today we awoke to a puzzling sight. The desk that had once dwelled in a scenic college town had magically relocated, without asking permission first. It seemed that the desk had decided: "Screw the dining room, I've had it. I'm moving to the hall." At first we were visibly perturbed, and who wouldn't be? The desk hadn't bothered to consult us, which we found rude, indeed. But ultimately, we concluded that the recent resident of Santa Cruz had made a wise choice. There's no denying that the desk looks better in the hall than it did in the dining room. Even so, as much as we'd like to disguise its original intent -- to serve as landing pad for the eldest's assorted scholarly crap -- and reinvent it as a multi-purpose buffet table/tschotke console, we must agree with Siggy Freud, who put it so succinctly: "Sometimes a desk is just a desk." That said, we will do our best to convert the damn desk into something slightly more spectacular.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 1:58 PM
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Good things come to those who kvetch. For the past four months, I kvetched plenty. I scolded. I swore. I over-emoted. I threatened. I warned. I whined. I yelled. I pleaded. I confronted. I played the good neighbor card. I played the dog rescue card. I played the reverse psychology card. In return, I received blank stares and smirks and the occasional "sorry."
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:00 AM
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 7:37 AM
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
I like the red ones
Sherman Oaks – Carol Starr Schneider, aka the SJG, arrested at a July Fourth M&M-eating event, was freed Monday after a night in jail, looking a little bloated and saying she was still hungry. Starr Schneider, in a pink T-shirt bearing the message "Free SJG" in green letters, was freed by a Van Nuys judge after she pleaded not guilty. The petite and girlish 52-year-old said she consumed only a sandwich and some Diet Coke in jail.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:52 AM
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Oh say, where the @#$% are they?
Oh, say, can you see by the dawn's early light,
What black Volvo is that? Out the window, I'm steaming!
Whose broad smile and bright cheeks parked it curbside last night?
O'er the driveway I watch, for the gray car. I'm screaming!
And the phone never rings, the text screen remains bare,
Gives proof through the night that my sons are both here!
Oh, say must this worry through my brain yet wave?
O'er nothing do I fret, in my home do I rave!
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 10:57 AM
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:28 AM
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Places I'm not going to this summer:
Places I am going to this summer:
1. Self-Pity Cruise
2. Capitol of Resentment
3. Kingdom of Nowhere
Things I will not be doing this summer:
1. Renting a cabana boy
2. Performing my infamous hula dance
3. Surgical bikini prep
Things I will be doing this summer:
1. Pretending I'm in Maui (* alcohol required)
2. Telling people I'm just back from Maui (* fake tan required)
3. Photoshopping (* software required)
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:10 AM