Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
|The old dishwasher heads out the back door, in disgust: |
"I've had it with you slobs."
|The new dishwasher, installed by|
hubby, settles in: "I've got this."
There was flooding in the streetsWith our buckets at our feet
And the towels that we stockpile were all gone
And the thing that spurred us on
Up and quit, is was all wrong
On Turkey Day it broke and sang its song
We tip our hats to the new generation
Efficiency, the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around
Pick up our Visa and pay
Just like yesterday
Then we'll get on our knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
The change, it had to come
We knew it all along
The dishwasher got way too old, that's all
And the new one looks just the same
And history ain't changed
We won't get fooled again
Won't get fooled again
Meet the new dish
Same as the old dish
(apologies to The Who)
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 11:33 AM
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Here's a fun game. Match who said what at my house on Thanksgiving. Win bupkis.
1. "@#*$! It's still leaking."
c. Roto Rooter
d. Robo Cop
2. "Where's my eff'n wine glass?"
a. Grandpa Benjy
b. Grandpa Skippy
c. Scotty the Youngest
3. "These goddamn bitch-ass matches."
a. Hunky firefighter
b. Cousin Amy
c. Uncle John
d. Billy the Eldest
4. "Please don't call it, 'that burnt bird.'"
a. Big Bird
b. Ornithology Society of Sherman Oaks
c. Tweety Bird
5. "I called it bird meat."
a. Felix the Cat
b. Tony the Tiger
c. Billy the Eldest
d. Uncle Dan
6. "I lost my eff'n wine glass again."
7. "If you hadn't told us about the turkey or the dishwasher, we never would've known."
a. Grandma Char
b. Martha Stewart
c. Cousin Andy
d. Aunt Elly
8. "But that's my schtick. Neurotic, needy and self-deprecating."
a. Joan Rivers
b. Phyllis Diller
9. "Gluten-free pumpkin pie?"
b. Aunt Marion
d. Grandpa Benjy
10. "I've had enough of you people."
d. all of the above
(Answers: Oh, hell no.)
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:37 AM
Friday, November 26, 2010
|What do you have to say for yourself?|
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 3:39 PM
Thursday, November 25, 2010
|The SJG obsessively checks the turkeys|
|Table for 10|
|Tables for 10 more|
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 10:39 AM
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
|"A 22 year old will do anything to infuse alcohol|
into his dessert." - Billy Schneider
(unless they get eaten before Thursday)
Ingredients: 3 1/4 cups crushed vanilla wafers
3/4 cup confectioners' sugar
1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 1/2 cups chopped walnuts
3 tablespoons light corn syrup 1/2 cup rum
Directions: In a large bowl, stir together the crushed vanilla wafers, 3/4 cup confectioners' sugar, cocoa, and nuts. Blend in corn syrup and rum. Shape into 1 inch balls, and roll in additional confectioners' sugar. Store in an airtight container for several days to develop the flavor. (Refrigeration optional.) Roll again in confectioners' sugar before serving.
|"You have ruined the surprise, and humiliated |
me for the last time, Mother." - anonymous son
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
|The uber-coiffed SJG (second from left) brings new meaning |
to the phrase, "What was I thinking?"
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 7:51 AM
Sunday, November 21, 2010
"Alternative to Body Scanners at Airports: The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. It's a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, with none of the whining about racial profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. Justice would be swift. Case closed! You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system: Attention standby passengers — we now have a seat available on flight number ____. Shalom."
-- Posted on http://www.freerepublic.com/ by Ooh-Ah, sent to me by my dad
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 10:11 AM
Friday, November 19, 2010
|Flowers from William and Kate|
We are delighted to be working with you as our newly-anointed personal Jewish consultant. As you can imagine, not everyone is thrilled with the news of our conversion to your faith. Perhaps you could offer us some early marital advice, as we gear up for all the pomp and circumstance, the yada yada yada, of our impending nuptials. We look forward to meeting you and can't wait to see what hat you've picked out for our engagement brunch. Per your suggestion, we've ordered a nice spread from Nate n' Als. Lox is rather expensive. Who knew?
Prince William and his Kateness
Dear Will and Kate,
You guys are spoiling me! The flowers are beyond gorgeous! Thanks ever so much. I completely kvelled when I received them. I'm so honored to be working with you as your personal maven on all things Jewish, I could plotz. All the media attention, however, is a tad overwhelming. Paparazzi staked out in front of my home night and day. Oy gevalt. Seriously, how do you people deal? Per your request, I've carefully selected material that you may find helpful. The enclosed video features a pent-up fellow named Sam Kinison, alev ha sholem. Take his views on marriage with a major grain of salt. The SJG first encountered this meshuggah comic in the living room of close friends in the early '80s, before anyone knew about him. He was hired to rant at a bunch of Jews, as part of a birthday celebration. He stood there in his dirty raincoat, giving such a geschrei at the top of his lungs, we were scared sh*tless. A few months later, he showed up on "SNL" and we felt like such big machers.
Much love to you and yours,
P.S. Did you get the ruggelach I sent?
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:21 AM
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:11 AM
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
|He'll look good in a yarmulke|
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:38 AM
Monday, November 15, 2010
|An overhead view of my house|
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 10:01 AM
Friday, November 12, 2010
|What month is it?|
Me: Why did you sing to him?
Dad: It's his birthday.
Me: What? No, it isn't.
Dad. It isn't?
Me: His birthday's on the 17th.
Dad: Why didn't he tell me?
Me: He probably wasn't awake.
Dad: What a sweet kid. He didn't want to make his old grandfather feel dumb.
Me: So you sang to him, the whole routine? Even "I'll take it from here boys?"
Dad: I went through the entire song. It was one of my better performances.
Me: How could I forget his birthday's next week?
Dad: I already sent the check, too.
Me: Oh, Daddy.
I hang up and go over to the calendar on the fridge. Something's not right, but I can't figure out what. I'm usually on top of things, b'day-wise. I'm all about b'days, in fact. Cake and candles and gifts. The SJG goes all out. So I stare and stare and then it hits me. Aw... well, that explains it. I call up my dad and laugh hysterically for several minutes. It's just me laughing, and then he's laughing. We're both laughing like crazy people.
Me: So guess what?
Me: Scotty's birthday isn't next week. It's next month.
Dad: I sang the whole song. Why didn't he tell me?
Me: He probably wasn't awake.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Jewish Proverbs, courtesy of my brother Peter, who lives in North Carolina (Go figure!)
If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.
The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.
What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
One old friend is better than two new ones.
One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
A wise man hears one word and understands two.
Golda Meir-isms: "Don't be so humble - you are not that great." "Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself."
Albert Einstein: "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction." "Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving."
Woody Allen: "I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become immortal through not dying."
SJG family motto: "Life is life."
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 7:56 AM
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
|I'd be lost without it|
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 11:26 AM
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
|BYOT: Bring Your Own Turkey|
It's my turn to have Thanksgiving at my palatial retreat. Two years ago, hubby's aunt took a big fat tumble and blamed it on an innocent folding chair. Is it tacky to post a sign at the door that says, "Management Not Responsible for Your Klutziness"?
It would be tacky if you didn't post the sign. As an extra precaution, you should force your guests to sign a waiver before entering. You can never be too careful when allowing relatives to roam freely through your elegantly-appointed home. You never know what sort of trouble these people might get into.
My 89-year-old father asked what he could bring for Thanksgiving. I told him, "Two turkeys, homemade cranberry sauce, cream spinach, a platter of noshies and four desserts, nothing too fancy. He started laughing and hung up. Should I call him back, or wait for him to show up with the food?
Lazy in Sherman Oaks
You'll be waiting a long time.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:02 AM
Monday, November 8, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
1. Reckless Use of Windshield Wiper Fluid
"People who use their windshield wiping fluid while stopped at a stop sign are completely oblivious to the fact that the windows of people behind them are getting filthy from the spray onto their clean car. It should be illegal." (The SJG is guilty of this crime. Feel free to make a citizen's arrest.)
2. Gross Negligence of the Express Line
"How difficult is it to have your payment method ready to go when you're standing in the 10 items or less line at the market? The whole point of the line is to get in and get out quickly. It defeats the whole purpose if you take 10 eff'n minutes to find your wallet. It should be illegal." (The SJG would never stoop this low. I'm always ready to spend.)
3. Turn Signal Denial
"Radical lane changes without any warning can kill people. Don't make me guess what you're about to do. How hard is it to use your turn signal? It's already illegal but no one seems to care." (The SJG is a big proponent of the turn signal. Sometimes I use it when I'm not changing lanes, just to 'eff with folks.)
4. Commercial Volume Abuse
"The wild volume differential between show content and commercials is about to become illegal. They've passed a law to level the loudness between the two, but it hasn't gone into effect yet." (The SJG hates this volume abuse even more than hubby. I'm throwing a very quiet party when it becomes reality. You're all invited.)
5. Reservation Cluster #$%*
"To accept a reservation at a popular restaurant, and then ignore it, making you wait anywhere between half an hour to 45 five minutes is the worst offense of all. Dinner should be free if they make you wait that long. The whole point of a reservation is to reserve a time. If you can't control the table turnover, your restaurant skills are questionable. It should be illegal to make people wait." (This is hubby's number one pet peeve. The SJG is happy to sit at the bar and judge people as they walk by.)
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:12 AM
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:47 AM
Friday, November 5, 2010
|Requirements include thick skin|
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 10:33 AM
Thursday, November 4, 2010
|Please help me, SJG|
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:05 AM
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 10:47 AM
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
|Do you have this in a bigger size?|
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 7:49 AM