The Land of Lavender

"I hear she's not into freebies."

Who can resist a freebie?  Generally speaking, the SJG.  There are those who spend lunch at Costco, munching the complimentary hors d'oeuvres.  And then there's me.  I look at the tiny slices and cubes of who-knows-what in their little plastic cups, and I think, uh, no thanks.  My problem:  I don't see a free morsel of yum, I see a conspiracy, a pandemic, a Stephen King bestseller.
I think, "Great way to poison an entire population."  This is sick and twisted, I realize.  I blame my suspicious nature on my Russian heritage, based primarily on one word:  "Run."  It's not just Costco and Trader Joe's goodies I avoid.  It's the free crap that comes in the mail, too.  Cute little boxes of cereal.  Demitasses of toothpaste.  A munchkin bar of soap.  I see these no-cost items and think, "Great way to poison an entire population."  What is wrong with me?  So yesterday, when the invitation arrived to "Relax in the Land of Lavender," complete with a soupcon of wondrous body lotion, I decided to dig down deep into my soul and find a bisele trust.  I thought, oh, SJG, get over yourself.  Not everyone's out to get you. And besides, this sample comes from L'Occitane, for @#$%'s sake.  What's the worst that could happen?  Anaphylactic shock?  A rash the size of Sherman Oaks and parts of Encino?  Nothing a bucket of hydro-cortisone can't cure.  Empowered by my new-found attitude, I took a nice bath, I tore open the nice freebie, I slathered it on with abandon.  And instantly, I was transported.  I was right there en Provence, in a lush field of lavender.  "Aw," I said.  "How lovely."  I went downstairs to watch "Weeds," and within seconds, hubby said, "What is that smell?" "It's me, my darling.  Your wife of 31 years.  I just got back from the Land of Lavender.  You like?"  Between wheezes, he managed to say, "It's kind of strong."  "Too strong?"  "Little bit," he said, right before passing out.  Talk about a buzz kill. Sheesh.   "Back in a mo', sweetheart."  I went upstairs, took another bath and threw the sample of French lotion in the trash.  See?  I should've trusted my instincts.  When it comes to freebies, sometimes, it's better to pay retail.