Let's face it. Getting older has its challenges. We'd like to look young, feel young, and act young. Well, not to worry. On a daily basis, strangers stop the SJG on the street and say, "Bitch! Why you look so good?" It is my honor to share a few of my secrets with you now.
1. Quit Snorting
One of the most important anti-aging tips. If you snort while laughing, stop that. Continue snorting, and be prepared for the consequences. Reduced levels of coolness are one of the primary reasons a snorter's skin ages quicker than a non-snorter's. When you snort, your eyes crinkle, your lips pucker and you promote added wrinkling. Plus, it's kinda lame. When it comes to snorting, don't.
2. Protect Your Skin from Magnifying Mirrors
As we age, weird things happen to our skin. The last thing we want to do is get a larger look at what's going on. Do we need to see our age spots exaggerated? I think not. Protecting your self-esteem is the best anti-aging advice of all. How can you feel young when those mirrors make you look 80? When it comes to magnifying mirrors, keep away. Several miles, at least.
3. Avoid Young People
Hanging around young people won't make you feel any younger. It will have the opposite effect. Young people look young. When you stand next to them, you look old. For younger-looking skin, stay away from young people altogether. Try never to be in the same room with them, or trust me, someone with a cruel streak will draw a hurtful comparison. "Gee, I never realized how much the SJG has aged until I saw her next to a 20 year old college girl! What a difference 34 years make!" Keep away from young people. Problem solved.
4. Take a supplement of denial
Boost your antioxidant intake with a daily supplement of denial, on sale now at Trader Joe's. Go for one with the highest levels of "I still look great, damn it" and wait for miracles. In no time, you'll look and feel better than you have in years. Your driver's license may say you were born in 1958, but after a month's worth of denial, you'll be telling people you popped out in 1988. Will they believe it? Who cares? You're in denial.
5. Moisturize your ego
The best ego repair cream, selected carefully and applied properly, will hydrate your confidence, assuage your flagging self-worth and protect your psyche from further free radical damage. Follow this regimen daily, exfoliate negativity twice a week, and watch the years peel away. You're welcome!