Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Looking For The Brined One


"Good morning. Trader Joe's Toluca Lake. Happy Thanksgiving. This is Gary."
"Hi, Gary. This is the SJG."
"The who?"
"Never mind. Please tell me you've got the already brined."
"We just ran out."
"Don't tell me that, Gary. They ran out in Sherman Oaks. I was there early this morning."
"We have the koshers."
"But I want the already brined ones, Gary. The already brined! I need two, Gary. Two! My people like to eat."
"Sorry, ma'am. We might get more in, or we might not."
"That's not helpful, Gary."
"Try Burbank." Click.

"Are you trying to hurt me, Gary? You bastard!"

"Good morning. Trader Joe's Burbank. Happy Thanksgiving. This is Gary."
"Again with the Gary."
"Sorry?"
"I just talked to a Gary in Toluca Lake. What a loser. He really let me down. Are you going to let me down, too, Gary, Part 2?"
"I'll try not to, ma'am. How can I help you?"
"You can start by not calling me ma'am."
"What would you like me to call you?"
"Your Royal SJG."
"Um..."
"Just tell me you've got the already brined, Gary."
"We have the koshers, but not the brined."
"I want the already brined ones, Gary. The small ones. I need two, Gary. Don't deny me this. I beg of you!"
"Sorry, ma'am. I mean Your Royal SJG."
"The hell with you, Gary. Off with your head!"
"Try Studio City." Click.

Victory is brined!

"Good morning. Trader Joe's Studio City. Happy Thanksgiving. This is Gary."
"Dear God in heaven, not another Gary."
"Sorry?"
"So far, I've talked to two Garys. Both losers. Both let me down. Are you going to let me down, too, Gary, Part 3?"
"I'll try not to. How can I help you?"
"Just tell me you've got the already brined turkeys, Gary. The small ones. The 15-pounders. I need two."
"We've got a plethora."
"A plethora!? Only a winner would use such a big word."
"I'm trying to improve my vocabulary."
"It's working. Check for me, anyway, Gary. These days, I trust no one but family and a few select friends."
"I'm looking at 'em right now. A freakin' plethora of already brined."
"You're a mensch, Gary. A mensch. I'll be right over. Look for the short gal with attitude. That'll be me."

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