Zodiac Attack

Bad Capricorn:  Sounds about right for the SJG

Just in time for my birthday, Zodiac panic has swept the nation.  Like 99 percent of things in life, I take this personally.  I see it as karmic comeuppance.  Long ago, I'm talking 1979ish, my first job out of college was at 'Teen Magazine, headquartered on Sunset Boulevard.  As an editorial assistant, I had many important tasks to perform.  I answered phones, I walked the publisher's dog, I made coffee, I sorted through truckloads of mail, and -- brace yourselves -- I made up the horoscope column.

Ladies At Lunch

Today I will be a lady at lunch, as opposed to a lunch lady, serving up gobs of hot mush to screaming kiddies. Today I will dress nicely and do my best to behave, although I can't make any promises.  You know how I get when I'm excited.  Today I will lunch with my wonderful, gorgeous, gifted friend Carla.  We are celebrating the miracle, the magic, the quizzical blend of genetics that makes up the SJG.   It is my birthday all week.

South Park 101

The college boy couldn't be happier.  He's up in Santa Cruz, studying the intricacies of flatulence (a topic he's well acquainted with) and satire, as it pertains to "South Park" (a show he worships). If that's not higher education, what is?  For your enlightenment, I give you an excerpt from "Flatulence and Philosophy: A Lot of Hot Air, or the Corruption of Youth?" by William W. Young III.  Study it carefully. There will be a short quiz afterwards:

A Guide To Women

We're really not that hard to figure out

The following Hormone Guide is another anonymous gem: "Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.  This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other."
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

Lights Out

SJG to the rescue

Mid-way through the warm up at dance class on Sunday, the lights went out in the studio.  A chorus of ladylike cursing soon followed. Our fearless dance teacher Doug went down the hall to work the fuse box, to no avail.  Naturally, the SJG stepped in to save the day.  "I'll help you.  I'm good with this stuff," I said.

The Early Years

"I'm the boss"

Just the other day, I was watching him swing from the monkey bars.  Today he's 23 and going to bars.  How did that happen?  In honor of his birthday, a few of our favorite Billy-isms from the very early years:

Call Me Mommy

Ever since the eldest moved out and the young-est retreated to Santa Cruz, I've been looking for something new to obsess about, and I do believe I've found it.  Are the rumors true?  Is John Edwards, a disappointing human on many levels, really engaged to that bitch Rielle Hunter?  What's going on there?  I can't sleep at night.  So this morning, I couldn't stand another minute of uncertainty and placed a call to Alan Duncan, Hunter's attorney.  "This is the SJG," I said.  "Who?" Duncan asked.  "Short Jewish Gal, Pulitzer-prize winning blogger and long-time resident of Sherman Oaks."  "What can I do for you, ma'am?"  "You can tell me if the rumors are true about John and Rielle tying the knot so soon after Elizabeth Edwards died.  It's so beyond tacky, I could toss my matzo brei." "Promise to keep to it yourself?"  "Abso-tively." "You won't blog about this?"  "Hell, no."  "Alright. I do not believe it to be true." "Even though The National Enquirer said Edwards proposed, you're saying it's total b.s.?"  "I believe I've answered your question, Short Jewish Gal." "Please, call me SJG."  "I'm hanging up now, SJG." So there you have it.  Edwards and Hunter are NOT engaged.  Until, of course, they hire me as their personal wedding consultant.  And when that happens, you'll be the first to know.