A Coaster For Your Keppy

"The weather is hurting my keppy."
"Time to get a new keppy."
"Where would I purchase such an item?"
"Amazon.com. They have everything."
"Including a new keppy?"
"Probably."
"Well, spank my butt and call me Chana. They sell Keppy Beer and Ale Bar Coasters."
"Sweet. How much?"
"A four-pack costs $15.95. Free shipping."
"Go for it."
"How will Keppy Coasters help my keppy?"
"They won't. But they'll help the coffee table."
"No more annoying rings from bottles and coffee mugs?"
"Exactly."
"You think a certain ring-maker, currently in Europe, sampling beer, would actually use a coaster?"
"He might."
"I'll text him and find out."
"Don't bother him."
"I'm not. He loves to hear from me."
"It's 4:30 in the morning in Prague."
"What's your point?"
"I don't have one."
"You got that right, mister."
"Feel better?"
"Not till he answers my text."

Lose It Fast

1.  Stand in front of a bookshelf. You still have one, don't you? Or did you turn it into a wet bar?
2.  Find all the diet books that never helped you shed an ounce.  
3.  Remove them, one at a time, for dramatic effect. All that bending and yanking. Already, you're burning calories and feeling better about yourself.
4.  Make a nice stack on the floor. Pile 'em high, girlfriend.
5.  Run upstairs and find the scale you hid behind the laundry basket.
6.  Run downstairs. You just burned another 2,000 calories, give or take.
7.  Run back upstairs again. You forgot the scale, silly. I know, I know. It's a lot to remember.
8.  Come back down. See? You're so good at following instructions. Now weigh each diet book on the scale. Total it all up. Heavier than you thought, right? Maybe the books are retaining water.
9.  Go outside and dump all the diet books in the trash bin.
10. Bam! You just lost 10 pounds fast! Wasn't that easy? I'm here to help.

Can A Dance Move Save Your Life?

Here comes trouble.

Take a nice Sunday afternoon in Beverly Hills. Take two short Jewish gals, post-brunch. Take one BIG ASS ESCALADE, turning left and not seeing us in the crosswalk. Take action, or splat.

If you're the SJG, you grab your lifetime friend, you wrap your arm around her, and you do a life-saving, Tina Turner "Proud Mary" back-up routine, right there at the intersection of Beverly Drive and Santa Monica Blvd. You haul your sweet tushies way, way back, with rhythm and style, before the Big Ass Escalade hits you. And then, when your life-saving "Proud Mary" moves are no longer required...

You yell this at the dumb-ass driver of the Big Ass Escalade, a gal who didn't even know she nearly flattened not one, but two SJGs: "YOU EFF'N BITCH!" And then you thank God, and Tina Turner, and go back to your regularly-scheduled life.

In The Jungle

In the jungle, the mighty jungle of Sherman Oaks, the Queen palm trees rustle in the tropical breeze...

Depositing pretty little dates in our yard...

Orange jewels that tempt a certain jungle beast and later wreak havoc on his delicate digestive tract...

Prompting hubby, half-hidden in the jungle, to climb up, up, up... and try in the manliest way to chop down the offending fruity fronds... with limited success. 

Happy Teeth

Teeth are always in style.

Dear SJG,
Your friends at Happy Teeth would like to thank you for letting us take care of your dental needs. We hope you enjoyed getting your teeth cleaned yesterday with one of our many talented hygienists. Next visit, we're getting those X-rays, whether you like it or not. We want you to know we'll be there for all your dental emergencies as you get older and everyone you know starts backing away, in horror, aware that you're certainly not the looker you once were. Your close personal friends at Happy Teeth don't care how ugly you get. We'll take care of you and make you presentable again. 

When your teeth loosen and fall out at inappropriate times, who loves you, baby? Happy Teeth. When your gums give out, we promise not to laugh, like the other people in your life. We'll fit you in, even if we have no appointments. That's how important you are to us. When you lose your dentures in the bagel bin at Gelson's, we'll make you another pair, for free. Just kidding. We're not that generous. We'll charge you, but we'll be fair. Let's face it. Your close personal friends at Happy Teeth care more about your well-being than anyone else in your life. We hope that one day, you'll leave us all your money, if we haven't taken it all already. Dental care is expensive. So please, SJG, remember this: no one loves you like we do. No one.  
Dentally yours, 
The Nice People at Happy Teeth

Shut Up

... And dance with me, metaphorically, if you like, or stop by SJG Headquarters and we'll get down with our bad selves. A while back, I saw this mash-up of every movie dance move ever (well, a lot of movie dance moves) and wanted you should see it, because, say it with me now: I'm a giver.

The Proper Care and Feeding...

... of the Eccentric Elderly Pup is a curious thing. Nearing his Bark Mitzvah - please don't ask me how his Torah Portion is coming along - Dusty no longer eats out of a doggy bowl. That's too common for him. He prefers to be hand-fed while roaming, aimlessly. It's hard on the back, my back, and the soul, my soul. Was I put on this earth to cater to his needs? Apparently. A hand-feeding may start in the kitchen, but it ends elsewhere, as I follow him, lovingly, down the hall, watch him circle the living room, and try to re-route him back to the kitchen. Here's how I coaxed him this morning, with limited success: "Come here, you. Back here. No, not there. I'm not feeding you on the living room rug. We just had it cleaned. What's up with your GPS? Make a left... Left! That's it... Wait, where are you going? You're dropping it everywhere. Ew, slobber. I'm not cleaning that up, you know." It only took about 20 minutes. But hey, what else have I got to do?