Shirley & The Shindiggers

Shirley & the Shindiggers

Only one week to go before the big splashy celebration that started off as a smallish low-key soiree -- when have I ever done anything low-key? -- and has now morphed into a full-blown post-wedding extravaganza with entertainment by Schlomo & the Sophisticates and Shirley & the Shindiggers. Sure, the party's gotten pricy. Yes, we're way over budget now that we've decided to provide helicopter service to the guests who've bothered to RSVP.

Schlomo & the Sophisticates

But not to worry, my friends. SJG Enterprises has it under control. Not to brag, but if not me, who then, my side businesses have over-performed in 2017. Turns out, anything with "Anti" in the name brings in gelt like you wouldn't believe. The SJG's Anti-Aging Wrinkle Eradicator, the SJG's Anti-Kvetching Electro-Shock Wristband and, it goes without saying, the SJG's Anti-Slouching Velcro Sling, have all proven profitable and then some. Boy, are the Shark Tank people miffed they never let me on the show. But I'm not bitter. Why? I'll tell you why. Because I've sold enough anti-this and anti-that to almost cover the hors d'oeuvres. And the fact that the invitation clearly states "Potluck: Bring Your Own Everything" should really cut back on the expenses. Like I said, not to worry. This just-married jubilee promises to be huge and very, very loud. Just don't tell the neighbors. I hear they're not big fans of noise. Oh, wait, that's me.

Where You Lead, I Will Follow

I took the shocking news as well as I could, given the ambushy nature of the reveal. "Next time you come here," Renee, commander in chief of my baby fine ka-ka hair, and co-prezzy of the SJG Beauty Team, whispered, "you'll go somewhere else." "Come again?" "Next time, instead of coming here, you'll go to another place." "Please to repeat in a language I can comprendo." "Shush!" "Did you just shush me?" "I don't want everyone to hear what I'm saying." "Would you like me to hear what you're saying?" "Of course." "Out with it, gal." "We're leaving the salon." "Oh. Oh! Wow." "Next time, you'll go here," she said, softly, handing me a card, "not here." "So there, not here." "Right." "Color me surprised. What about Lenny?" Lenny is commander in chief of my hair color and co-prezzy of the afore-mentioned team. "He's leaving, too. We're all leaving. We hate it here." "Mass haircare exodus?" "Right."

So, after 12 years at the now ex-place, and I forget how many at the other ex-place, I've relocated for the third time to yet another salon. Basically, where my beauty team leads, I will follow. That's how devoted I am. Plus, they're the only people on the planet who know how to handle this ridiculous flyaway mess that sits atop my keppy.

See Cashier?!

"It said See Cashier."
"That's me."
"What's the problem?"
"I bet your card's been compromised."
"Compromised? Why me? Why now?"
"It's going to be fine, ma'am."
"Ma'aming me? At a time like this?"
"Sorry. Just give me your card."
"Do I have to?"
"You want gas?"
"Yes."
"Then give it."
"Okay, fine, here. Promise you'll give it right back?"
"Scout's Honor. How much gas?"
"A full tank. Fill 'er up with premium."
"Premium? Pretty fancy."
"You have no idea."
"Okay, I'm sliding it through now... and... voila."
"Voila what?"
"Voila, nothing's wrong with your card."
"Then why did it say See Cashier?"
"Sometimes I get lonely."

Double Date

Join me, won't you, as I step into the SJG Time Machine (patent pending) and meet up with my adolescent self at Wil Wright's in Westwood Village for a hot fudge sundae.  
Aging SJG:  Wow. You're looking good.
Adolescent SJG:  Thankie. Are those wrinkles on our face?
Aging SJG:  No. They're road maps to our soul.
Adolescent SJG:  I think I'll start using moisturizer, just in case.
Aging SJG:  It couldn't hurt. You might cut back on the sunbathing, too. So, met any cute boys lately?
Adolescent SJG:  There's this one guy in math class. But the girl in front of me likes him.  So I'm helping her write him funny notes.
Aging SJG:  You've always been a giver. A regular Cyrano. What's his name?
Adolescent SJG:  Howard something.
Aging SJG:  You want in on a secret?
Adolescent SJG:  Always.
Aging SJG:  Spoiler Alert.  You marry him.
Adolescent SJG:  What? No way. He doesn't even like me.
Aging SJG:  Give him time.
Adolescent SJG:  You're making me nervous.
Aging SJG:   I'm good at that.
Adolescent SJG:  Well, cool it. I don't want to know anything else.
Aging SJG:  But I know so much about our life.
Adolescent SJG:  Keep it to yourself.
Aging SJG:  What fun is that?
Adolescent SJG:  Fine. Tell me one more thing.
Aging SJG:  Math isn't your friend. Neither is the girl trying to steal our future hubby.
Adolescent SJG:  But she's nice.
Aging SJG:  It's the nice ones you have to look out for.
Adolescent SJG:  Okay, now you're just trying to scare me.
Aging SJG:  Of course, I am. I didn't come all this way for my health.
Adolescent SJG:  Can I have some of your fudge?
Aging SJG:  No.  Get your own.  
10-30-13

Suspicious Minds

"What are you eating?" 

"I'm not eating, I'm investigating."

"Then why are you chewing?" 

]

"I'm not chewing, I'm getting rid of the evidence."

The Prophecy

Moishe, a medieval Jewish astrologer, prophesied that the king’s favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned Moishe and commanded him, "Moishe, tell me when you will die!" 
Moishe realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."

Abe comes home one day and finds his wife Esther in tears.
"Darling, what’s the matter?"
"Oh Abe," cries Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have tuberculosis."
"What! A big healthy woman like you has tuberculosis? Ridiculous," says Abe. "I'll call Doctor Cohen and get this sorted out right now."
So Abe calls his doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you told her she has tuberculosis."
The doctor says something to Abe and with that, Abe begins laughing.
"So what's so funny about my having such a dreadful disease?" asks Esther.
"Esther, Doctor Cohen didn't say 'tuberculosis.' He said, 'too big a tuchas.’ "

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch."
The Swede says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit."
The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
http://www.awordinyoureye.com

The Miracle of The Bookshelf

"Say a prayer - Daddy's about to put the bookshelf together."
"Praying for everyone involved," the youngest texts back.
"He said it'll take 20 minutes."
"Get out of the house now, Ma."
"I'm staying. Someone has to documents this moment."
"Stay strong, Ma."
"He just said, 'this isn't going to be difficult.' "
"Oh, no."
"You won't believe it. He's reading the instructions."
"Are they in English?"
"They must be. He's not yelling yet."
"That's a good sign, Ma."
"I just asked him if I could help."
"Is he laughing?"
"How dare you, my son!"
"You know he likes to do these things on his own."
"You've noticed?"
"Uh yeah."
"Oh my God, honey, it's a miracle. He's done."

"It's gorgeous. Tell him thank you."

"Tell him yourself."

"I will."

"Use it in the best of health."