Speak Up....

Alas, poor Yorick, I can't hear you.

In the very noisy restaurant with Mrs. Gorgeous, my stunning Israeli friend:

SJG: "It's so loud in here."

Mrs. G: "I know. I'm reading your lips."

SJG: "Everyone has trouble hearing me."

Mrs. G: "So it's not only me? Thank God."

SJG: "I have a soft voice."

Mrs. G: "It's not just that."

SJG: "What is it, then?"

Mrs. G: "It's your accent."

SJG: "My accent? I don't have an accent."

Mrs. G: "Yes, you do."

SJG: "No, I don't."

Mrs. G: "You do."

SJG: "No one has ever told me I have an accent."

Mrs. G: "So I'm the first?"

SJG: "Yes. What kind of accent do I have?"

Mrs G: "I can't tell you, but it's very distinct."

SJG: "Is it a Sherman Oaksian accent?"

Mrs. G: "Yes! That's it."

SJG: "I'm not the one with the accent."

Mrs. G: "What?"

SJG: "I didn't say anything."

Wardrobe Malfunction

When I think wardrobe malfunctions, I think of grade school, my brownie uniform catching in my sash, riding up my left side, exposing my undies to the boys on the school yard, along with my under-developed anatomy. Not a good moment for the SJG. When I think wardrobe malfunctions, I think of train stations. Specifically: Brighton, England, the bottom of my skirt tucking into my undies. (How do I not know this?) A British woman, straight out of Monty Python, takes pity on the clueless American exchange student. I thank her and board the train without flashing the passengers. A good save for the SJG.

When I think wardrobe malfunctions, I think of the other day at my dance class, when my bra snaps open to say "hello" in the middle of the warm-up. I could discreetly excuse myself and take care of the issue, but no, that would be too demure. I break into manic laughter. "What's going on?" asks Doug Rivera, dance teacher supreme, as I stand there like a fool, cracking myself up. "I'm having a moment with my bra," I say, and head out the door. I do an off-screen adjustment, come back in, laughing. In this way, I'm a total goofball. Once again, I disrupt class with my silliness. Doug forgives me. By now, he's used to this. Today, as I venture out into the world, I will try to pull myself and my clothing together, but I can't make any promises.

Pipik Gazing For Beginners

Dear SJG,
How can I get a handle on my obsessive tendencies?  I understand you've conquered this issue.
Thanks,
Counting The Seconds Till You Reply

Dear Counting,
Conquered may be a slight exaggeration. It's taken me years of hard work to perfect a technique that works 26 percent of the time, which is better than nothing. Here's what I do when my noggin starts spinning like a rogue dreidel: I stop everything and contemplate my pipik, or pupik, if you prefer, for exactly 32 seconds. It helps to time myself. Why? Because the contemplation of one's pipik should never last more than 32 seconds. It's right there in all the best medical journals. If you pipik-gaze for only 32 seconds, you'll successfully block the original source of your obsession. If you pipik-gaze for more than 32 seconds, you'll find yourself asking, "When's the last time I had my pipik checked out?" "Where can I find a good Pipik Specialist?" "Will my insurance cover it, or is my pipik out of pocket?" You'll create a new obsession, on top of the old obsession, and you need that like a kick in the keppy.
You're welcome,
Short Jewish Gal

Yiddish Curses

Perfect for any and all occasions, the best Yiddish curses you can hurl at various targets:
 Ale tsores vos ikh hob oyf mayn hartsn, zoln oysgeyn tsu zayn kop.
All problems I have in my heart, should go to his head.

Zol es im onkumn vos ikh vintsh im (khotsh a helft, khotsh halb, khotsh a tsent kheylik).
Let what I wish on him come true (most, even half, even just 10%).

Eyn imglik iz far im veynik.
One misfortune is too few for him.

Khasene hobn zol er mit di malekh hamoves tokhter.
He should marry the daughter of the Angel of Death.

Zalts im in di oygen, feffer im in di noz.
Throw salt in his eyes, pepper in his nose.

A kramp (a kram, a kortsh) im in layb (in boyakh, in di kishkes, in di gederem, in di finger).
A cramp in his body (in his stomach, in his guts, in his bowels, in his fingers and toes).

A Few Thoughts on Patience

"With love and patience, nothing is impossible." 
-- Daisaku Ikeda 

"No, I will be the pattern of all patience; I will say nothing." -- William Shakespeare

"Asleep, I'm supremely patient; awake, not so much." -- The Short Jewish Gal 

A Date With The Doctor

"Looks like someone's been waiting a long time."

"I'm seeing the doctor on Tuesday."
"Is this the new guy?"
"New-ish. It's our second appointment."
"What are you going to wear?"
"A paper gown, open in the back."
"You can still accessorize."
"Oh, I plan to. You know what I always say."
"It's important to look lovely."
"You got that right, sister."

Take Two Tuk Tuks...

... And call me in the morning:
"Hellody?"
"Hellody!"
"We're back in Bangkok."
"Yay. How'd you get there?"
"We took a tuk tuk to the pier, we took a boat, we took a plane, we took a taxi ride from hell, and we're here."
"Wow. Sounds exhausting."
"The traffic in Bangkok is insane. It took an hour and a half from the airport to the hotel."
"My butt hurts just hearing about it."
"Tonight we're going to the Sky Bar where they filmed 'Hangover 2.'"
"Fun."
"It's the biggest open-air roof top bar in the world."
"Oy. Stay away from the edge."
"I will, Mamaloo."
"Love you."
"Love you."
"Come home already."