Sheriff John: RIP

This morning, an email from my brother John:  "Put another candle on the birthday cake... I was lucky to talk by phone to John Rovick several times 30 years ago while working on a 'Local Kids TV Hosts' segment for 'Bloopers & Practical Jokes.'  It was a thrill and he was super nice and fun."  It's a sad day for anyone who grew up in L.A. during the '60s and ate lunch with Sheriff John Monday through Friday.  I was just four and watching his show when they broke in to say JFK had been shot.  I went running into the kitchen to tell my mom.  My family still sings "Put another candle on the birthday cake, you're another year old today" at every birthday celebration.  So bye bye, Sheriff John. You made a lot of little kids who grew up to be big kids happy. 

I'm Not An Elephant...

I am a Hu-Mom being!

Dear SJG,
Whatever is a Hu-Mom?  Have you written about this one yet? Oy vey...do we qualify? Meet the pre-reqs? Are there crash courses in becoming a Hu-Mom?  Do we want to be one? I am so confused, can you research it , blog, and make it go away. Sounds epidemic to me!
Thanks,
Anne

Dear Anne,
I have no freaking idea what you're talking about.  I've never seen this newfangled hybrid.  Why are you bothering me with this?  Don't you know how busy I am?  Fine.  Let me check it out and get back to you.  I'm back.  Here's the dealio.  Apparently, a HuMom is how social media-inclined dogs with their own Twitter accounts refer to their female pet owners. "I'm out with my HuMom.  She could use a bath. LOL." How deeply disturbing is this?  Very!  Is Dusty twittering about me, his HuMom, when I'm out?  As in, "Where' my HuMom?  That bitch owes me a treat and a walk." So, in answer to your question, I'm afraid I may be a HuMom in training.  True, Dusty doesn't have his own Facebook page, but I suppose he could learn how to Twitter with his paws, if I had the patience to teach him, which I don't.  Plus, the fact that I repeatedly say things to him all day, like, "Come to Mommy," and, "Mommy's going to take you for a walk now," would indicate that I'm part of this bizarre species of humans who adore their animals just a little bit more than their children.  Something tells me you may also fall into this category.
You're welcome,
The SJG

Team Mariah

Nicki vs. Mariah

The news this morning:  Mariah has hired body guards to protect her from crazy-ass Nicki Minaj, after Nicki threatened her with physical harm.  Oy vey, that's some nasty sh*t right there.  Can you blame me for obsessing over this lunacy?  I can't help it.  I'm making bold statements in the kitchen, statements the menfolk aren't taking seriously enough.  "Nicki Minaj is ruining 'American Idol' for me," I said last night.   "I'm not watching it anymore."  "You'll watch it.  You love it," said the youngest.  "You live for 'American Idol," said the eldest.  Hubby said nothing.  He was too busy making a love connection with his new iPhone.  But I'm telling you, bleeps, if this Idol mishegas continues, this little loyal bitch is out!

And now, for your enjoyment, because the SJG is a giver, here's the transcript of their notorious diva-off, courtesy of my close friends at TMZ.  Personally, I think Mariah showed enormous restraint.  

Nicki: Think I'm playin? Think this sh*t is a f*cking joke? Think it’s a joke? Think it’s a joke? Think it’s a joke? Say one more disrespectful thing to me, if you say one more disrespectful thing to me -- off with your head!
Mariah: I am not being disrespectful.
Nicki: Off with your head, off with your head... Don’t tell me I'm insecure, don’t tell me I'm inadequate ... you gonna get sent [inaudible] just fall back; don’t ... you don’t know [inaudible] I don’t feel inadequate. You’re the insecure one sittin' up there running down her resume every five minutes...Every time you take a shot at me I'ma take it back, and if you gotta f*cking problem then handle it. I told them, I'm not f*cking putting up with your f*cking highness over there ... figure it the f*ck out. Figure it out.
Mariah: whyyyy, whhyyyyy ...
Nicki: Figure it out
Mariah: ... do I have a 3-year-old sitting around me???
Nicki: I’m not sitting here for 20 minutes and having you run down your resume everyday, No! Goodbye!
Mariah: Listen ... I can’t see my kids because you decided to make ... to have ... to have a little baby fit and going all around the stage.
Nicki: Good, well then go see them now, go see them now ... you’re boring as f*ck, you’re boring as f*ck.

Take A Shot

"Sit down, and the nurse will be with you shortly."
"Where's the chair?"
"Next to the blood pressure machine."
So I sat down next to the blood pressure machine and across from the imported cheese, and just to the right of the flowers.  Tucked into this tiny spot, I waited like a good girl, hoping no one ran into me with a cart.  Of all the wonderful advances since the SJG arrived on this wacky planet, the ability to get a flu shot at Ralphs is something I never would've foreseen.  I'm used to getting stuck with the bill here, not a needle. Ba-dump-bump!
"Try to relax," the nurse said, "it might sting."
I looked away, and contemplated the lovely selection of Brie and Jarlsberg.  I took a deep breath and felt a little pinch.
"All done."
"Do I get a lollypop?"
"No," the nurse said, "but we're have a sale today on fresh strawberries.  Here's a coupon."

Zing!

Zingers vs. Vanilla Wafers  

According to semi-reliable news sources, the SJG plans to serve Zingers at tonight's debate in Sherman Oaks, when she faces off against the Tall Shiksa Goddess.  Asked if she's trying to influence the outcome by offering delicious chocolatey treats, the SJG said, "Oh, hell yes!"  Speculation that the TSG will counter with a platter of vanilla wafers could not be confirmed nor denied, so obviously, it's true.

Welcome To Blursville

On most days, the SJG walks around in a total blur.  Yesterday was no different, except the blur was more optical than mental.  A couple  drops in the left eye, a couple drops in the right, and welcome to Blursville, USA.  My retina guy needed a good look at my retina, as opposed to other members of the SJG Medical Team, in charge of other parts of my anatomy.  "'The left retina isn't going anywhere,"  he announced.  Well, this is good news, indeed.  Last September, my left retina launched some sort of uprising.  "I'm outta here," my retina said.  Oh, but the SJG caught it just in time.  Ha ha! "You're not going anywhere, bitch."  Still, this attempted coup had consequences, forcing me to have my eyeballs checked and dilated on a regular basis.  Hence, Blursville.  Have you ever tried to drive in a state of Blursville?  I don't recommend it.  Everything is bright and fuzzy and otherworldly.  "Home, Charles," I told my car.  "Try not to run up on the curb on the way."  Don't worry, I made it back to the manse, thank God, and stayed there for rest of the day.  I couldn't read.  Too blurry.  I couldn't think.  They'd dilated my keppy, too, it seemed.  So, another lost day.  A day spent in Blursville.  Today, I can see everything.  I expect great things of myself today.  I expect total clarity.  I won't get it, of course, but if it passes me by, yet again, at least I'll recognize it.

That's Debatable

The Short Jewish Gal and The Tall Shiksa Goddess are spending the next few days cramming for their upcoming national debate.  The two universally-adored bloggers are scheduled to meet in Sherman Oaks on Oct. 3 for the first of three debates.  The winner gets to keep blogging.  The loser must hang up her crown and admit defeat.

Wednesday’s debate will focus on skin care, hair care and why-should-I-care.  The SJG and the TSG will face off on "Kvetching vs. Whining:  What's the diff?"  and "High Heels vs. Flats" in debates scheduled for Oct. 16 and Oct. 22. The SJG has been practicing with the man she calls hubby, a national debate champion in college, something he likes to remind her of on a regular basis.  "I expect the Tall Shiksa Goddess to get personal with the attacks," said hubby, in an interview with Reuters.  "I promise you, what my wife lacks in height, she makes up for with a verbal skills.  Trust me, she knows how to argue."

The TSG has been practicing with  Bitsy Von Buren, president of T & G Inc., who shared a few of her debate tips with Town and Country.  "As head of Tall & Gorgeous, an empire I built with my very own well-manicured hands, I know how to win anyone over with a bright smile and a well-timed hair toss.  I feel confident that with my guidance, the Tall Shiksa Goddess will nail these debates with glam and poise, something, I fear, the Short Jewish Gal... how to put this nicely... seriously lacks."

According to Shlomo O'Brien, moderator of the SJG/TSG debates, "If you take a look at the history of debates, it's not really about specifics, it's not really about facts.  It's more about what are the cues that indicate the kind of person or personality, or how the Short Jewish Gal and the Tall Shiksa Goddess are going to behave, their mannerisms, their facial ticks and whether their makeup melts in the spotlight.”