My List of Demands

Every celebrity has his or her demands. That's why they're celebrities. They get to make demands. But, I ask you, why can't I, the SJG of Sherman Oaks, California, make my own demands? Just try to stop me:

Living Room should be 74 degrees

Kitchen should be 73 degrees

Outside should be 72 degrees

Coffee whenever I snap my fingers

2.5 Onion Bagels

1.5 Sesame Bagels

1.3 Egg Bagels

2 Ripe bananas

1 Semi-ripe banana

0 Mushy bananas

Lightly Seasoned Steamed Kumquats

Heavily Seasoned Steamed Rutabagas

1 Fully-Bloomed Begonia

Four Rose Scented Yahrtzeit Candles

1 Mood Elevator

1 Bottle Manischewitz (Kosher)

1 Assortment Non-Snapping Chewing gum (Sugar-Free)

1 Nice Coffee Cake

1 Naughty Chippendales Dancer

1 Large, CLEAN throw rug (non-allergenic, synthetic Guinea Pig) 

1 Vat Expensive Anti-Aging Moisturizer

1 Flattering Full-Length Mirror

1 Flattering Punim Mirror

12 Dumbbells

12 Smartbells

1 Talking Torah

1 Non-Talking Neighbor

1 Tricycle

1 Unicycle

1 Unicorn

14 Unsalted Roasted Almonds

8 Salted Unroasted Almonds

1 Twilight Zone Protein Bar

Make It All Better

It's true, the SJG is prone to viewing injuries. From time to time, I get a bit too carried away with whatever I'm viewing and manage to injure a part of my tender, petal-like anatomy. I refer you to my recent finger-crushing incident while viewing "The Night Of." I got too engrossed in HBO's did-he-or-didn't-he-do-it series, readjusted myself on the sofa during a big reveal, and crushed my middle fingie. Said fingie continues to flip me off whenever I wiggle it wrong. Not to worry. One day it will get better, or fall off, whichever comes first.

I love him so much, it hurts.

And then there's last night's viewing injury, still plaguing me this morning. I was so excited about the return of "Project Runway," so giddy with delight, that I stubbed my toe on the leg of the Lazy Boy during my ceremonial "Welcome Back, Tim Gunn" hora around the room. As I like to remind hubby, it takes so little to make me happy, assuming I don't hurt myself while expressing my TV-related glee or shock. In the throes of these inadvertent, klutzy boo-boos, it helps me to think of my sweet mom and the way she took action whenever I banged into an inanimate object as a kid. She'd lean down, knock-knock-knock on whatever I'd run into -- table corner, door, the list is too long to remember -- and say, "Baddy-o-baddy-o-baddy-o-baddy." And make it all better.

Potent Quotables

"All right everyone, line up alphabetically,

 according to your height."

 - Casey Stengel

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, 

your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." 
- George Carlin

"Don't cry over a burnt bagel. 
It wouldn't cry over you."
- The SJG

What Could Go Wrong?

Dear SJG,
What do you think about the news that Walmart plans to roll out motorized shopping carts that drive themselves?
Thanks,
Tired of Pushing

Dear Tired,
I'm thinking, what could possibly go wrong? A few things come to mind. One or two near-fatal shopping cart collisions every 15 minutes. Runaway carts with children inside. Nascar-style races up and down the aisles. Lawsuits up the wazoo. The ultimate Decline of Western Civilization. And don't get me started on all the alien civilizations. God only knows what's going on there. They've probably had motorized self-driving shopping carts forever. They're so ahead of us, it hurts my feelings. So, to answer your question, other than a few potential snafus, I'm thinking it's one of the greatest ideas in history.
You're welcome,
The SJG

The TV Movie Version

Sometimes, the SJG just can't help it. I see the TV movie version of the world. I rewrite events to fit the TV movie formula embedded in my brain. I rewrite real events to find a happy, tidy, hopeful ending. In my TV movie version of life, something interesting happens before every commercial break. In real life, this is not the case.  Nothing happens and then I go to sleep and start all over again.  But in the TV movie version, a mysterious hunk shows up at my door in the first 15 minutes, and turns my mundane existence upside down. "Can I use your phone?" he asks. The SJG knows better than to let a perfect stranger in, even if he's a major hottie. But this time, I have a lapse in judgment. I'm human. By the hour break, I'm a women in jeopardy, framed for something I didn't do, and in serious danger! Did the mysterious hunk set me up? Or will he rescue me from certain doom? Better yet, will I rescue myself? You'll just have to keep watching to find out, won't you?

Life Is Short

“If we learn nothing else from this tragedy, we learn that life is short and there is no time for hate.” — Sandy Dahl, wife of Flight 93 pilot Jason Dahl

There She Is...

There she is, Miss Neurotica There she is, your schlemiel The dream of a million girls 
who are more than flitty 
can come true in Neurotic City For she may turn out to be 
The Queen of Instability There she is, Miss Neurotica
There she is, your schlemiel With so many worries she took 
the town by storm
With her all-Dramatican 
face and form And there she is Kvetching on air, she is Sickest of the sick, she is There she is - Miss Neurotica