My List of Demands

Every celebrity has his or her demands. That's why they're celebrities. They get to make demands. But, I ask you, why can't I, the SJG of Sherman Oaks, California, make my own demands? Just try to stop me:

Living Room should be 74 degrees

Kitchen should be 73 degrees

Outside should be 72 degrees

Coffee whenever I snap my fingers

2.5 Onion Bagels

1.5 Sesame Bagels

1.3 Egg Bagels

2 Ripe bananas

1 Semi-ripe banana

0 Mushy bananas

Lightly Seasoned Steamed Kumquats

Heavily Seasoned Steamed Rutabagas

1 Fully-Bloomed Begonia

Four Rose Scented Yahrtzeit Candles

1 Mood Elevator

1 Bottle Manischewitz (Kosher)

1 Assortment Non-Snapping Chewing gum (Sugar-Free)

1 Nice Coffee Cake

1 Naughty Chippendales Dancer

1 Large, CLEAN throw rug (non-allergenic, synthetic Guinea Pig) 

1 Vat Expensive Anti-Aging Moisturizer

1 Flattering Full-Length Mirror

1 Flattering Punim Mirror

12 Dumbbells

12 Smartbells

1 Talking Torah

1 Non-Talking Neighbor

1 Tricycle

1 Unicycle

1 Unicorn

14 Unsalted Roasted Almonds

8 Salted Unroasted Almonds

1 Twilight Zone Protein Bar