The Way We Were

"Oh, Hubbell, remember that time we ate hot wings 

on the beach, and I dripped sauce all over 

my nice blouse?"

Well, it had to happen, I suppose. The Hot Wings Place on Van Nuys, the one that made me think, "Why would anyone want hot wings?" has closed. The only time I ever thought about hot wings was when I passed by the Hot Wings Place en route to Gelson’s, my personal homeland, more overpriced than ever before, and not making any apologies. How do I know the Hot Wings Place has closed? The boarded up windows were a giveaway. So many boarded up windows in my general vicinity. At this point, I feel sad when anything closes, even if I never went there. I'm feeling a little sentimental about The Way We Were, not just the movie, but P.C. (Pre-Covid.) I won't miss you, Hot Wings Place, but I liked knowing you were there. It probably didn't help that another Hot Wings Place just opened two minutes away. I won't go there either, but I'll be sad when it closes, a few months from now. Sometimes, change is a good thing. These days, I'm just looking for a little consistency, hot wings or otherwise.

Synchronized Worry Circle

Aren't they lovely?

(Sherman Oaks) In honor of the Tokyo Olympics, a certain kugel maker will host a special competitive event in her palatial estate, beginning at 2 a.m. this Sunday, and lasting until her pandemic concerns subside. "This could take a while," the SJG warned Sports Illustrated. "Synchronized Worrying is a complicated hybrid of sanitized hand-wringing, mask-wearing and fretting, while performing elaborate choreographed pacing in the kitchen and front hallway. Synchronized Worrying demands advanced over-thinking, gastrointestinal fortitude, endurance, crisis management, flexibility, artistic traipsing and precise timing, as well as exceptional sighing and breath control while bent over, cleaning spots on the floor in perfect syncopation. I can't wait to compete with myself, and of course any other double-vaccinated souls brave enough to take me on. But trust me, you've got your work cut out for you. I've been in training since birth." According to the self-proclaimed international blogger, Delta Dawn and the Variants, currently making waves throughout the U.S.A., will agitate participants and on-lookers with an alarming blend of Acid Rock and Show Tunes. 

Tiny Houses, Big Dreams

"Can't you see I'm on the phone?"

Only 14 months old, and my granddaughter Claire has already moved into her own tiny home. Just between us, it seemed a bit early, but I said bupkis. Rather than ask her parents, "Where's the angel girl going to sleep in this place?" -- too judgy -- I praised my daughter-in-law for realizing her design vision, kvelled over the paint job and offered to stock the non-existent fridge. 

Claire's first pilgrimage to my personal homeland went well. Every aisle of Gelson's sparked extreme joy, as she reached for this jar, that box, giggling, pointing, and exclaiming, "Dat! Dat! Dat!" Of course, the giant Winnie The Pooh mylar balloon at the checkout stand thrilled her the most, and can you blame her? As first outings go, this one was epic. I'll treasure it forever. I can't wait to cook with her on her new stove. Electricity? Who needs it. Just plug in the imagination and away we'll go. 

Cute Is Cute

Just the other day, please don't ask which day, because I never know for sure, as I walked the Royal Rescue Dog of Questionable Lineage, I thought I heard Robin Williams calling out to me from the great beyond.

And he was saying, "Fosse! Fosse! Fosse!" just like he does in "The Birdcage." I turned my head ever so gently, careful not to wrench the delicate neck parts, and saw a little unleashed dog. I yanked Sir Blakey, assertively, off to the side, for he's not a fan of the Unleashed, but then, who is? Then I heard it again. "Fosse! Fosse! Fosse!" A dog named Fosse. How cute is that? Unless the woman chasing the lil dog was actually saying something else. Something along the lines of... 

"Fauci! Fauci! Fauci!" "You named your dog Fauci?" I asked. "Yes," she said, scooping him up in her arms. "How cute is that?" "Pretty cute." A nice neighborly exchange, and what's better than that? Nothing comes to mind. But then, some days are like that. 

What Freedom Means To Me

Recently rediscovered essay entered in statewide contest:
"What Freedom Means To Me" 
by Carol Starr, 5th grade
Warner Avenue Elementary School

To me, freedom means that I should get to do whatever I want, whenever I want, without getting grounded ever. If I want to talk on the phone with my friends for more than five minutes, I should get to do that without my mom or dad picking up the receiver and saying, "Carol, get off the phone," which embarrasses me and makes me an instant social outcast. All my friends get to talk on the phone for as long as they want. Why shouldn't I have the freedom to do that, too? I don't get it. What's the big deal? 

To me, freedom means that I should get more allowance every week. A lot more. One dollar isn't enough to buy all those groovy glow-in-the-dark Flower Power stickers I need to make my life complete. To me, freedom means I should get to go in the cool hippy head shop in Westwood and buy the longed-for groovy glow-in-the-dark Flower Power stickers without getting caught by my mother and officially grounded till I'm 30. I don't get it. What's the big deal? 

To me, freedom means I should get to pout all day if want to, and not be told to smile. Maybe I don't feel like smiling. Maybe I feel like pouting. I should have the freedom to make whatever super-mean facial expression I want. To me, freedom means I should get to whine and complain and refuse to come out of my room for days and not be told I'm acting like a big selfish doody-head. If I want to act like a big selfish doody-head, I should have the freedom to do that. This is America. Happy 4th of July. Whoopee. 

Recently rediscovered rejection letter for "Write An Essay About Freedom/Win Cash Prize":
Dear Miss Starr,
The Committee for Freedom has reviewed your essay, "What Freedom Means To Me." The Committee for Freedom feels you've missed the point by about a zillion miles. The Committee for Freedom hereby bars you from ever entering another essay contest for as long as you live.  

You should be ashamed of yourself,
The Committee for Freedom 

The Empty Driveway

Early this morning, longtime hubby wandered into the bedroom, post-walkies, accompanied by Sir Blakey, and updated me on a D.D.D. 

A Deeply Disturbing Development:

"Are you sitting down?"

"What does it look like?"

"From where I stand, it looks like you're sitting."

"Spill it. I can take it. I'm one semi-tough SJG."

"The driveway is empty."

"Don't tell me that."

"I can't hide it from you."

"Are you sure?"

"I've checked 10 times."

"Ten times?"

"Okay. Two times." 

"You're saying there's nothing on the driveway." 

"That's what I'm saying."

"This is outrageous."

"It really is." 

"Did you call them?"

"Um. No."

"Why didn't you call them?"

"You're so much better at calling."

"It's one of my gifts." 

"So you'll call?"

"Hell, yes, I'll call. They're going to be sorry I called." 

"Go get 'em, tiger."

With that, he hits the treadmill, and I hit the phone. 

"Is this a delivery issue?" asks the pre-recorded voice. 

"I'm calling, aren't I?"  

"There's no need for sarcasm. Press 1."

"You press 1." 

"We're sorry for the delay."

"Sorry, my tush."

"Would you still like your paper delivered?"

"Sure. Fine. Whatever." 

"Press 1."

"Hang on a minute, Missy. When will it be delivered?"

 "Eff if I know. I'm only a machine."

Click. 

The Newly-Revised Dress Code

"Dinner!"

After much deliberation and legal counsel, the Upstairs Management of the SJG Palatial Estate has decided to up its game and revise its long-standing Dress Code. Just this morning, the team informed all occupants to, "Dress for the occasion, or face the consequences. Pretend you're going somewhere, even if you're not, which, knowing you, is generally the case." The list of intolerable attire includes: Drawstring daywear, denim nightwear, infamous footwear, wrong-headed hatwear, inside-out shirtwear, and offensive sockwear. After 4 p.m., formalwear is now mandatory. All occupants, vaccinated visitors and canines must abide by the rules or face immediate expulsion. Children under two are exempt. Thank you for your cooperation. 

"What part of 'bring up the sleeves' didn't you hear?"