Gifts For The New Year

Only a few more shopping days till January 1st, and I can't decide what sort of birthday gift to buy for 2016. Something tells me the coming year is going to need a lot of stuff. Maybe a nice sweater to keep 2016 cozy? And a warm blankie, extra large. Every new year likes to be swaddled and burped and rocked back and forth like a baby. This gift is really starting to come together. I need to throw a few more items in the basket, so I don't look cheap. I'd hate to insult 2016 right out the gate. So. What else should I give 2016? I'm thinking a lucky charm. No. A whole bracelet of lucky charms. Every year could use some luck. Oh, and some shower gel. No gift is complete without shower gel. A large vat of peach blossom body wash to keep 2016 feeling clean and refreshed. I'll pick some up at Costco, along with industrial-strength ibuprofen. Chances are, 2016 will start off with a massive 2015 hangover. I don't want 2016 to feel bad on any level. I'll put in a bottle of cough medicine, and some decongestant. God forbid, 2016 should catch a cold on the campaign trail. One sneeze and we'd all get infected. I might as well include some chicken soup. A big pot of it, with extra matzoh balls. It couldn't hurt. A few self-help books, too: "How To Keep 2016 From Turning to Total Sh*t." "Time Management Tips for 2016." "If You Can't Say Something Nice: 2016 Political Edition." Hmm. What's missing from this gift? It's not quite there yet. Wine! A bottle of the finest Napa grape. Oh, hell, make it a case. 2016's going to need to chill now and then. Some chocolates, too. Dark and rich, imported from Sherman Oaks. I sure hope the new year likes my present. What are you going to get 2016? Better hurry. Only a few more shopping days left. Get out there, you. Everything's on sale.