What A Dog!

Within days of purchasing a lovely dog named Moshe, Avrahom notices that Moshe is very intelligent - he always comes when his name is called no matter what he's doing; he always finds his bone no matter where it's hidden, and he learns new tricks very quickly. He can even balance on one leg for 30 seconds. Avrahom realizes that Moshe is a very special kind of dog - a Jewish dog, most probably, so he teaches Moshe to wear a kippa. And because Moshe looks so frum in his kippa, Avrahom starts to teach him Hebrew. Not surprisingly, Moshe quickly starts learning and then speaking some Hebrew words in a doggie kind of voice. So one morning, Avrahom, realizing that Yom Kippur is only a few days away, phones his rabbi and gets permission to bring Moshe to shul with him. 

On Yom Kippur morning, they arrive in shul and the kippa-wearing Moshe is given the seat between Avrahom and a Mr. Birnboam. The service begins and Moshe can be heard by those around him praying in Hebrew in a yappy but reasonably clear, breathy kind of voice, with heartfelt wails thrown in every now and then. Mr Birnboam turns to Avrahom and whispers, "I just can't believe what I'm seeing and hearing. It looks like your dog is davening. But he can't be, can he? I must be dreaming. If I am, please wake me up, immediately."
"No, you're not dreaming Mr. Birnboam," whispers Avrahom. "Moshe truly is davening."
"If that's so," whispers Mr. Birnboam, "you can get thousands of dollars for such an act on television."
"Mr. Birnboam," whispers Avrahom, "I can assure you that the same thoughts have crossed my mind. But my Moshe has told me in no uncertain terms that he wants to be an accountant."

Arnold and Judith, two elderly residents at the Nightingale Care Home, are sitting next to each other in the lounge. Suddenly, Arnold says to Judith, "I bet you can’t guess how old I am."
"I bet I can."
"Well, I'll bet you can't."
"You’re on," Judith says. "Now please stand up so that I can properly investigate you."
Arnold does what he's told. Judith then looks him up and she looks him down. "Now turn around."
Arnold does what he's told and Judith looks him up and she looks him down. "Now turn back around... and .... and drop your trousers."
Arnold does what he's told and Judith looks him up and she looks him down. Then she says, "You are 86 years old."
Arnold is absolutely amazed and can't believe what he's just heard. "Oy Vey, Judith," he says, "you’re right. I am 86. How on earth did you work that out?"
Judith smiles. "You told me yesterday."

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