When I Shop The World Gets Better

It's never too soon to get in on a good holiday deal, am I right? Last night, my brother John and I started planning our extensive Hanukkah shopping. It went something like this:
"Kohl's opens at 6 p.m. on Thanksgiving. Just saying!" -John
"Everyone into the station wagon! We're going to Kohl's, bitches." -SJG
"But what about the turkey? Won't it dry out?"
"Who gives an eff! Kohl's is open."
"Wait! JC Penney is open Thursday at 3 p.m.!"
"Shut up!"
"You shut up!"
"No wonder they named the store JC! It's a Thanksgiving miracle."
"We'll hit JC first, then Kohl's."
"Dreidels for everyone!"
"I hear Kohl's is having a special. Buy one dreidel, get one free!"
"Oh, oh, oh! Menorahs are on sale at JC's!"
"Spend, spend, spend!"
"Hang on. What's this? Target is giving out free gelt."
"What?!"
"Sorry, I read that wrong. Target is giving out nothing for free. But it supports gender-free bathrooms!"
"Then eff Kohl's! Eff Penney's! Let's throw our Hannukkah gelt at Target!"
"Everyone into the station wagon! We're going to Target, bitches!"
"By the way, I killed the station wagon driving it around in 1976 when the engine ceased up and stopped working forever."
"Buzz kill!"
"Who me?"
"Everybody into the Pontiac."
"I'll bring the sleeping bags."
"I'll bring the thermos of booze."