Questions, So Many Questions

There are so many questions that plague the SJG, so many deep issues to ponder on a daily basis, I'm learning to separate the serious Modern Day dilemmas from the moderately troubling. Here are the top five things on my keppy today:
1. If I wear white after Labor Day, will I be shunned during Sherman Oaks Fashion Week, where I plan to debut the new SJG Fall Schlepwear Collection?
2. Will the SJG Telethon raise enough money to pay for the patio renovations?
3. Why didn't "SJG: Duets With Famous Dead People" do better on iTunes? I was in tune most of the time. Abraham Lincoln? Not so much.
4. Will I ever break my debilitating double-spacing addiction?
5. If a bagel falls in the kitchen, but nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like...

... A newly-pavered patio.

And a built-in barbecue.

And at some point, God willing in the near future, a done deal.  

The Visitors

The Sherlocks of Brighton:  

Jon, Irina, Alfred and Evelina

Last night at dinner, an iffy buffet of just-delivered cold pizza and salad sans dressing, I asked Jon Sherlock, the very tall visiting Brit I've known since he was six, "What's a typical day like for you?"

A brief moment of backstory, as we writer-types say:  In 1947... excuse me... 1977, I lived in England for a year, a junior abroad situation. I had the best time, wandering round the English countryside, in search of Shakespeare and beer. I found the beer. I found the Sherlocks, too. Jon's parents Lynne and Mike pretty much adopted me that year. I'd show up at their door in Hove and say, "Feed me, please," and they would. It was a smashing arrangement. Later, I'd watch the Muppets with Jon and brother Bob, six and four at the time, never knowing that one day, Jon would have a big important job doing something bio-techie.

Scotty with the adorable Sherlock kids

"It's fairly higgledy-piggledy," Jon said, in answer to my job-related question. "Excuse me? Back up a sec there, Jon. What did you just say?" "Higgledy-piggledy?" "What's that mean?" "You're not familiar with higgledy-piggledy?" "No, and I lived in England." "I remember." "I think you're making it up." "No, I'm not." "It sounds made up." "I didn't make it up." "Prove it." "Let's Google it, shall we?" At this point, Scotty went a-Googling and came up with: "Hickety-pickety, my black hen. She lays eggs for gentleman." "So, Jon, are you saying your day is like a Mother Goose rhyme? I'm so confused." "No, I'm saying my day is higgledy-piggledy." "With a D?" "Yes." "Not a K?" "No." "Maybe you're saying it wrong." "I'm not."

At this rate, I realized I would never know what higgledy-piggledy meant, and I was okay with that.  Hours later, after the Sherlocks had departed for their luxury hotel in Santa Monica, Jon sent me a link to the Oxford dictionary. "Higgledy-piggledy: in confusion or disorder. Late 16th century: rhyming jingle, probably with reference to the irregular herding together of pigs."

So the whole bio-techie thing is just a big ruse. I always suspected Jon was an irregular pig herder. Glad we cleared that up.

That's Nice

Rehearsing the first dance

Who doesn't love a good wedding? It's like saying you don't love love. Who doesn't love love? Personally, I'm a big fan of love. I'm all about the love. So when I found out this morning that a certain globe-trotting couple got hitched, I smiled. I couldn't wait to share the news with hubby.  "Guess who got married?" Without missing a beat, he said, "Jennifer Aniston?" Hubby knows I'm on Team Jennifer. I just love her. I'm more invested in her happiness than those other two. I'm happy when Jen's happy. In this way, I'm a little bit confused about boundaries and my own version of reality, but who isn't? I don't have to defend why I love Jennifer Aniston. Or why I gave a shrug when my close friends on the Today Show told me, "Brad and Angie got married over the weekend in France." Post-smile, I thought, "A big deal. If you've got money, you can travel." Well, that's not very generous, is it? But seriously, 10 years and six kids later, it's nice that they made it official. But I'm on Team Jennifer. So if and when Jennifer gets hitched to Justin, I'll be happier for them. I can't help it. I'm a little bit loyal, even to the famous folks who aren't that invested in my happiness. I'm a natural-born giver. I give and I give. It's all in the SJG Once-A-Day DNA, still awaiting FDA approval.

Not in attendance

Any Changes?

"Any changes?"
"In terms of -- ?"
"Your breasts."
"Gee, that's a little personal, don't you think?"
"Well, you are having a mammogram. "
"I know, I know. But couldn't you finesse it a bit? Work up to it, not just come right out and ask about my boobies? Like, you could say, 'What a cute top. Any changes going on under there?' And then I'd say, 'No, everything's good, kina hora... poo poo poo."
"Helpful, thanks. Any other changes?"
"In terms of --?"
"Insurance."
"Same."
"Address?"
"Same."
"Religious affiliation?"
"Are you allowed to ask that?"
"I just thought I'd throw it in there."
"Still Jewish. Very, very Jewish."
"Any other changes?"
"In terms of -- ?"
"Grandchildren?"
"No."
"Weddings?"
"No."
"Domestic upgrades?"
"Funny you should ask. My patio is currently in the middle of something."
"I'll make a note of it on your chart. Now, sit down and wait till your name is called."
"That last part needs work."
"You're invited to sit down and enjoy one of our magazines from 2010."
"Better."

The Other One

The other Mrs. Carol

"Mrs. Carol?"
"Hi, Juan."
"I called you this morning."
"You did?"
"I left you a message, I said I wasn't coming, but I found out I didn't call you. I called the other Mrs. Carol."
"Wait, what? There's another one?"
"Yes. The other Mrs. Carol called me just now and said Juan, why did you call me, and then I realized I didn't call you, I called the other Mrs. Carol."
"Oh, Juan. I'm so confused. Are you still coming today, or not?"
"No. That's why I called you before, to let you know I wasn't coming, and then I found out I called the other Mrs. Carol and --"
"I get it, Juan. You'd rather see the other Mrs. Carol today."
"No, I'm not doing any work for her."
"Ha!  A likely story. Just admit it, Juan. You like the other Mrs. Carol better."
"No, no. I called to tell you --"
"You like Mrs. Carol's patio more."
"No, I like your patio, too, Mrs. Carol."
"Forgive me, Juan.  I'm a little thrown by the call.  I was looking forward to seeing you today."
"I'm not coming today."
"I never knew you could be so cruel, Juan. My patio needs you."
"I'll stop by tomorrow."
"Don't toy with my affections.  I'm fragile."
"I'll see you tomorrow, Mrs. Carol."
"Will you, Juan?  Will you, really?"
"Yes, Mrs. Carol."
"Till tomorrow then, Juan."
"Adios."
"Shalom, Juan. I'll be waiting outside for you."

Penmanship

"A good pen is hard to find."

"Don't cry because you lost your pen, smile because it's under the sofa."

"A pen, a pen, my kingdom for a pen."

"Where there is a pen there is an ink stain."

"In three words I can sum everything I've learned about pens:  they go missing."

"In the end, it's not going to matter how many pens you 'borrowed,' but how many pens you actually gave back."