But They Made Such A Nice Couple

Splitsville

On the eve of my 30th wedding anniversary, I got an unexpected call from Heidi Montag.  I assumed she wanted some sort of marital counseling from the SJG, but she was bursting with venom.  "Did you hear what the a-hole I married is up to now?"  "Spill it, hun.  I'm all ears."  "He's shopping a sex tape of us!"  "Tacky."  "I'm so pissed off.  It's probably pre-surgical." She paused here to weep.  "I haven't reached my full centerfold potential.  I'm pre-Bunny." "Bummer.  I'm embarrassed on your behalf," I said.  And speaking of bunnies, Heidi's BFF, Jennifer Bunney, came to her defense.  "No way Heidi would ever put out a sex tape of herself. She's extremely religious and concentrated on getting her life to where she wants it to be." "Listen, Rosh Hashanah's right around the corner.  I'm happy to save her a seat.  Although, technically, we're not supposed to save seats.  For Heidi, we can make an exception.  She'd look so pretty in a tallis." "That's super sweet," said Bunney.  "But she's all about Jesus."  "So?  Jesus was a Jew."  "I'll let her know.  Anyways, I don't think Spencer would ever hurt Heidi.  He loves her even despite the fact that they are getting a divorce. I really doubt the validity of this.  What do you think, SJG?"  "Guilty," I said, "not that I judge."