Pumpkin Paranoia

Dear SJG,
Everywhere I go, I see pumpkins, pumpkins, pumpkins.  Some are real (I think).  Some are inflatable, like the giant one on my neighbor's roof. I think it's staring at me. Why are these pumpkins following me?  Did I do something wrong?
Sincerely,
Deeply Confused

Dear Deeply Confused,
Relax.  You're not as eff'd up as you think.  You did nothing wrong, other than open your eyes in the morning.  That's where the trouble starts. Stay in bed. No pumpkins. Leave the house.  Pumpkins. The pumpkins are haunting you for a reason. There are some pumpkin-related festivities coming up.  Please don't ask me the names of these commercial events.  I'm not an encyclopedia.  Does anyone have an encyclopedia anymore?  Good question.  Let me get back to you on that. Where was I?  I think these events involve candy and turkey, but that's all I can come up with, I'm tired.

Here's what I suggest:  Just ignore the stupid pumpkins.  Don't look them in their cut-out eyes.  Don't try to pet them, especially if there's a lit candle inside.  Walk away from the pumpkins, and at some point, maybe in December, I can't make any promises, people forget to throw them out, they abandon them on doorsteps long after they've expired, it's disturbing, but trust me, at some point, the pumpkins will fly south for the winter and you'll be free.
You're welcome,
The SJG

"I never know if pumpkins are right to bring to a meeting."