Tantrum At The Deli Counter

"MANAGER! MANAGER! I NEED A MANAGER!"

It's not often that I get to witness a full-on tantrum in public. For something as epic as yesterday's meltdown, I must channel the Infamous Travel Town Incident of 1991, when the eldest, then three, refused to leave a birthday party and screamed all the way to the car. My eardrums never recovered.

The gal who threw the fit in Gelson's had the opposite urge. She wanted to leave, because, as she announced at the top of her lungs, "I'M A VERY BUSY PERSON." She continued to geshrei at top volume, "THAT WOMAN TOOK MY PLACE!"

The zen-like manager approached with caution, as the tantrum-thrower picked up momentum. "THEY CALLED HER NUMBER, AND SHE WASN'T AT THE COUNTER, SO IT WAS MY TURN AND THEN -- "

Oh, you get the idea. The high-strung gal just completely lost her sh*t. The manager calmed her down with coupons, an elephant tranquilizer, a free trip to Disneyland and a complimentary bottle of Vodka.  The poor place-stealer cowering in the corner got bupkis, unless you count the unanimous sympathy of everyone in the market.

All I could do was watch and marvel and memorize, so I could reenact the entire episode for first hubby the second he returned from the On-Air Promo Factory. His review of my performance, I'm proud to say, was glowing. "Riveting! Electrifying! You really captured the essence of an unhinged deli counter customer. It's as though you can relate to her." "Yes, fine, thank you," I said in gratitude, "but was it Oscar-worthy?" "It was definitely YouTube-worthy." I'll take it.