Long Day's Journey Into I-Don't-Think-So

(Sherman Oaks) The SJG called an early morning press conference to make a big announcement to a smattering of news types who gathered at her palatial estate for coffee and leftover kugel. "Even re-heated and a week old, it's still delish," kvelled a nice young reporter for shanatova.com. "I wonder if she'll give me the recipe." "Recipe, schmescipe," groused a veteran journalist from The Daily Kvetch. "Why are we here so @#$%'n early?" "Why so early? I'll tell you why," the SJG replied from atop her sparkly, not to mention, bedazzled step stool. "Because the youngest is moving today and I must be there to enable, to mix-in when I shouldn't, to arrange a schtickle this, that and the other." "Or, you could get a life of your own," the host of the popular podcast "That's Chutzpah!" chimed in. "How dare you. Who invited you?" the SJG shot back." "You did." "Fair enough. If you people could stop with the interruptions, let's get back to my big --" Whereupon the press interrupted her with summer camp chants of, "Announcements! Announcements! Announcements!"

"I'm starting to regret this press conference," said the SJG. "Now sheket bevakashah. As you may or may not already know, tonight at some swanky event, SpaceX plans to name the first private passenger to schlep around the moon. I'd like to get a jump on this and end the suspense with the following reveal: That private passenger is not, repeat not, the SJG. Thank you for coming." "Hang on, aren't you going to tell us why you made such an epic non-decision?" a correspondent from oygevalt.com asked. "To be honest, it wasn't that hard. I mean, of course, when Elon called me up, I was honored to be his first pick for passenger. But then I thought about it, me traveling at warp speed, and the neck and back strain and all the sitting, and the unflattering space suit, and I thought, who needs it? What's the rush? I'll get there when I get there. Or not at all. Maybe I'll just stay put on Earth and let the others orbit without me. So that's one less thing to worry about. Gut yunif to you and yours. Hurry up and go, so you shouldn't get a ticket. Today is street cleaning."