Who Is That Masked Grandma?

Sweet Baby Claire, one week old today 

Hm... let me think about that. That would be me, your silly SJG. Now if you'd told me nine months ago that my first solo adventure in babysitting would involve a mask, preferably one I could breathe through, an ongoing quest, if you must know, I'd say, in the nicest way possible, what the @#$% is wrong with you, you're scaring me, why would you say something so hurtful to such a delicate personage as myself? Of course, nine months ago, you and everyone else said bupkis about masks. In fact, at the very beginning of this horrible pandemic, mask-wise, the experts said little, unintentionally botching what we should and shouldn't do. So we adapted to the ever-changing rules to the best of our abilities, and here I am, cradling my granddaughter in a state of bliss, mask or no mask, promising the new parents I wouldn't disobey orders and take off the mask for even one second in their absence.


I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I took it off. How dare you? I didn't, I didn't. Just ask Claire, who had to endure a papered-over, mumbled medley of Broadway show tunes, with her name plugged in. This is something she'll remember, and be scarred by, forever. "What's your earliest memory, Claire?" someone will ask. "Oh, it was when I was one week old, and my parents selfishly went out and left me with some woman, I'm told it was my grammala, but who knows, she had a mask on, and she sang, 'Hello, Clairie, well hello Clairie, it's so nice to have you back where you belong,' 89 times, until I cried in agony and she stopped.' " So, there you have it, future proof that I wore the damn mask throughout my first babysitting mission. And I'll keep doing it as long as I have to, until one day, God willing, the universe, the CDC, or that godlike mensch named Fauci, says it's safe to remove the accessory. By the way, I never moved from the sofa, that's how seriously I take orders. In conclusion, as I used to write in my pithy, English-major-type college essays: Happy One Week Birthday, Claire. Wait till you hear my behind-the-mask version of the song. You're going to love it.