The SJG Hanukkah Harmonizers

Wrong group

The Short Jewish Gal Hanukkah Harmonizers will perform in the parking lot of Gelson's this evening to celebrate the first night of you-know-what. Brisket-shoppers and Prius-owners will be treated to an upbeat medley of such holiday classics as "Gimme Latkes," "Stop In The Name of Hanukkah," "Hey, Judah," "You Can Leave Your Yarmulke On," and "Your Gelt Keeps Lifting Me Higher." So come, bring your dreidels, your menorahs, your gifts for the SJG, and let's get crazy.  Or stay home and watch the televised special. Either way, as my favorite rabbi used to say, "Happy Hanukkah, Bitches!"

Also wrong group

Pre-Approved Hanukkah Behavior

Back by popular demand! Hanukkah Etiquette! (That's right, bitches. I'm re-posting from a few years ago... and a few years before that... as if you'd even remember. Lazy? Tired? Old? All true. And yet, how dare you! Go to your room and don't come out till next Hanukkah.)

1. The Office Party:  Nosh and drink plenty, but never mix Schnapps with Dr. Brown's Cream Soda.  You'll get a bad buzz.  Don't overindulge on the latkes; they'll go straight to your ass.  Don't do that striptease hora you've been rehearsing.  Save that for your nephew's bar mitzvah.
2. Hanukkah Cards: Fine, send a Hanukkah e-card to people you could care less about, but it's nicer to slap on some postage and send a real card to the few friends and family you're still willing to tolerate, and vice versa.
3. Re-gifting: The high-risk recycling of unwanted Hanukkah presents is a major no-no.  Never forget  that karma's a bitch.  Re-gifting that talking yarmulke will come back to bite you, big-time.

4. Hanukkah Tipping:  Always welcome.  The SJG takes cash, credit cards, all-expenses-paid European jaunts.
5. Mind the Menorah:  Never use a lit menorah to set the mood.  A menorah isn't a marital aid.  Remember, the oil may have lasted eight days, but that's the only miracle you're looking at here.
6. The Perfect Guest: For once in your life, arrive on time, and bring a little something. A bottle of wine, some Star of David cookies, potpourri.  Don't sit on your butt.  Offer to help. You went to college. You can find the kitchen.
7. The Perfect Host:  Be welcoming, organized and sober, at least at the beginning. Hide your valuables. Lock up your children.
8. Don't be a Nudnik: Just because Hanukkah conjures up bad memories of when your parents denied you that Ultra Susie Bake Double Oven Deluxe you wanted, try not to ruin everyone else's good time. Embrace the fun, even if it kills you.

9. Perfect Presents: Pretend you like the gift. Act surprised, no matter what crap you've been given. Remember that someone took the time to choose and poorly wrap a sh*tty gift for you.  So take the time to be gracious.  Later, you can weep.
10. Thank Yous: Thank your hosts throughout the evening. Thank your hosts after you leave.  Call them from the car and gush.  What a great evening!  We had the best time!  Lie if necessary.  Go overboard.  Go home and write them an email praising the delicious food, sparkling decor and entertaining company.  Promise to reciprocate, and actually do it. Call the next day, and lay it on thick.  If you want to be invited back next year, show the love, or next Hanukkah, you'll be playing Dreidel in the dark.

Three Things I Won't Be Doing Today

1. Hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. However, I may hike Ventura Boulevard, from Laurel to Coldwater. Then again, I'll probably drive it, instead.

2. Performing an interpretative dance in honor of 12/13/14.  However, I may sit on the sofa at exactly 12:13 and pretend I'm 14.

3. Attempting a festive nautical updo. However, I may weave a menorah through my hair, unlit, most likely.

Very, Very Wet

A call from the San Franciscan:
"The @#$%'n power's out."
"Oh, no. I'm so sorry, sweetie."
"And there's a @#$%'n leak in the kitchen."
"Oy."
"All the food in the fridge is gonna spoil."
"Not if you don't keep opening the door."
"It's all gonna go bad."
"Maybe not."
"I'm supposed to work from home today and I can't get on the Internet."
"Other than that, how's everything?"
"My laptop's about to die."
"This too shall pass."
"When?"
"Call the DWP and find out."
"They don't know sh*t."
"Make sure you have candles and a flashlight ready."
"That's okay. I'll just sit here in the dark."

Storm Watch

"Morning, honey. We're on Storm Watch. It's raining upstairs."
"Upstairs? That's not good."
"I meant up north."
"I thought so."
"I'm a little tired. The raccoon repeller went off last night."
"I didn't hear it."
"I did. It went BEEP. Did it work?"
"Yep. It scared that little mutha-effer away."
"Then it was totally worth my personal sleep deprivation."

Aging Rapidly

"How's your knee?"
"It's killing me."
"What are you doing for it?"
"Heat and ice. Rest. So boring. How's your foot?"
"It's killing me."
"What are you doing for it?"
"Pretending it's better."
"How's that working out?"
"Not great."
"Remember when we used to talk about cute boys?"
"And now we're talking knees and feet."
"What's wrong with us?"
"We're aging rapidly."

"I don't like it."
"I don't like it, either."
"Let's talk about something else."
"Okay. Let me just set the time machine."
"So, who's your latest crush?"
"The guy I'm married to."
"Married? You can't be married. We're only in eighth grade."
"I hope I do better in algebra this time."

International House of Latkes To Open

(Sherman Oaks) The Short Jewish Gal announces the opening of International House of Latkes, a  latke palooza she hopes to take global in 2015. "We'll have 150 different kinds of latkes," she told reporters, while handing out samples. "Taste this. It's our signature latke, the classic potato and onion. It's the beginner latke. You want to go bold? We've got latkes for the more adventurous. We've gourmet, we've got gluten free, we've got the whole megillah. You want fruity? We've got the Berry Berry Quite Contrary Latke. You want vegetarian? We've got the Za-Za-Zuke, a zucchini latke with sass. Apple latkes. Carrot latkes. Ricotta, goat and hoop cheese latkes. And toppings? Please. Caviar-drizzled. Chocolate-sprinkled. Sour cream. Lox. Chives. Cilantro. We'll put unthinkable things on your latkes, made to order. Any ingredient you want, we'll judge you like a family member. 'You're putting that on your latke? What are you, insane?' And don't worry, we've got in an-house rabbi to approve or disapprove every selection. He'll clap and scold and go biblical on you, if that's what you're into. On Friday nights, we've got the best klezmer band money can buy, performing 'Torah! Torah! Torah!' to your heart's delight. Who needs buttermilk when you've got latkes made from scratch? The atmosphere is hamishe. Our philosophy is simple and straightforward: Come in, wait a little, but not too long. Sit down, order, eat and enjoy. Pay and leave." Located at the corner of SJG Lane and Kvetch-A-Lot Boulevard. Opens fairly soon, kina hora, pending a last-minute Hanukkah drive.