On The Prowl

Why are you looking at me like this is your breakfast? This isn't your breakfast. You've already had your breakfast. This is my breakfast. Capiche? My breakfast. Are we clear on that?

No? Alright. Allow me to clarify. The ding of the toaster means Mommy's breakfast. Mommy's. Not Dusty's. Mine. Not yours. Mine. Oh, fine. Here's a little taste. But that's all I'm giving you, beggar boy. Back off. Hit the road, you.

More? You want more? Sheesh. Absolutely not. Don't whine. One more taste and that's it. I mean it this time. You heard me. Look. All gone. Wait, here's a crumb...

Speak Up

Favorite line from "Airplane," uttered by Barbara Billingsley of "Leave It To Beaver": "Oh, stewardess, I speak jive."



Favorite line uttered in a dream last night by the SJG, apropos of bupkis: "I speak bagel."

That Sinking Feeling

Ethel Mermaid by Suzanne Staud

Dear SJG,
I'm a professional mermaid. That's right. You heard me. A professional mermaid. Plus, I can belt out a tune like nobody's business. What? You didn't know you can make a comfortable living as a singing mermaid? Well, you can. Unless someone steals your tail. Without a tail, you're not much of a mermaid. You're just a gal in a very tight dress. Do you have any idea how much a tail costs? A good one will set you back $2,700. This morning, I woke up on the bottom of the sea, on account of not having a tail. It's a good thing I'm part-amphibian or I'd really be in trouble. I think Esther, the flapper one rock over, stole my tail. But I don't know how to prove it. Any ideas? I don't do well on dry land.
Thanks,
Ethel Mermaid

Esther W., Suspected Tail Thief

Dear Ethel,

Condolences on the missing appendage. The only way to prove Esther is guilty is to set up a Mermaid Cam and catch her with your tail between her legs. 

You're welcome,

The SJG

I Married A Monkey

Here we are, Hippy Girl Adjacent and Monkey Hubby, on the way to my brother's Why-So-Early Halloween Party.

We entered at our own risk. That's just how we roll.

Spooky Mishpocha, or what? As Grandma Shorty stares down at us, portrait-side: Vague Approximation of Hippy Girl, Adorable Mother-in-Law as Baton-Wielding French Gendarme, Oh-So-Very Scary Clown Brother, Half-Hidden Manchester United Fan and Monkey Hubby.

Oh, look, more people who put little effort into their costumes, with the exception of my brother: Beer-Swigging Manchester United Fan, Increasingly Scary Clown, Wendy Peffercorn and Squint of "The Sandlot," aka Lovely Girlfriend and Eldest Son, and of course, Helmet Hair Hippy Girl. And with that, Why-So-Early Halloween comes to a close. And I only ate three fun-size M&M's. I'm saving myself for Actual Halloween. How's that for will power, bitches? Peace out.

The Great Beyond

For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde who you miss so much!" Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor. Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom." 

Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzel's zayde?" Milty swallowed the lump in his throad and called, "Grampa? Zayde?" "Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered. "Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Zayde, are you happy in the other world?" "Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!" A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until,"So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask." "Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"

The Things People Say

"My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada." -- David Steinberg

"Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies."  -- Milton Berle

"Hi, Mrs. Collier. I'm a Jew now. How are you?" -- Charlotte on "Sex and the City"

"What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth." 
-- Jewish Proverb

"God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change?"-- Shalom Aleichem

SJG Kvetch Clinic Opens In Sherman Oaks

One per customer

(Sherman Oaks) The Short Jewish Gal, famed blogger/kugel-maker/dog-walker/worry consultant, is proud to announce the opening of the SJG Kvetch Clinic, the only establishment of its kind in the entire universe.  According to the SJG, the inspiration for the clinic comes from many of her friends struggling to keep their laundry list of complaints in check. "People are afraid to burden others with all the things that bother them.  They think they have to keep it in and let it fester into a soul-sucking mass of indigestion. Well, they don't have to, anymore.  Here at the SJG Kvetch Clinic, we feel strongly that it's better to vent, vent and vent some more.  Let it out.  Let it all out.  What's the worst that can happen?  You might annoy a few family members, but chances are, they deserve it.  Plus you'll feel lighter.  You'll drop 10 pounds of angst and aggravation overnight, if you follow our simple kvetching exercises." The SJG Kvetch Clinic teaches clients valuable techniques in sighing, moaning, frowning, hand-wringing, finger-pointing and head-scratching. "It's important to kvetch from the diaphragm," adds the founder, "otherwise, you won't get the full benefit." The SJG Clinic offers a special bonus menu of gourmet guilt treats and imported vintage whines. "We cater to the individual kvetcher.  We believe kvetching is healthy and nothing to be ashamed of.  So please, come see why the SJG Kvetch Clinic is the fastest growing facility in Sherman Oaks.  We guarantee the lowest prices in town. Sign up today.  You'll thank us later."