Wednesday, July 27, 2016

The Ups & The Downs

Dear SJG,
It seems your career has had its ups and downs. Which is more fun to remember, the ups or the downs?
Career Watcher

Dear Career Watcher,
Hmm. Let me give it a good think and get back to you.
You're Welcome,

Dear SJG,
What's your time frame for getting back to me?
Career Watcher

Dear Career Watcher,
After deep, momentary reflection, soul-searching and laundry sorting, I've reached a conclusion. I'd have to say, definitively, it's more fun to remember the ups.
You're Welcome,

Dear SJG,
How would you sum up the downs of your career?
Career Watcher

Dear Career Watcher,
"They went another way."
You're Welcome,

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

A History Lesson

An American, an Englishman and an Israeli are indulging in a bit of boasting.
The American says, "One of my ancestors signed the Declaration of Independence."
The Englishman says, "That's nothing. One of my ancestors was present at the signing of the Magna Carta." 
The Israeli quietly says, "You think that’s something? One of my ancestors drew up the Ten Commandments."
Two statues have been facing each other in some shrubs across a pathway in a park for over 100 years. One is of Morry, a famous Jewish benefactor and the other is of Naomi, his very kind, loving and supportive wife.
But then one day, an angel comes down from heaven and quickly brings Morry and Naomi back to life. "As a reward not only because you were both such good Jewish people when you were alive," says the angel, "but also because you have both been so patient during the last 100 years, suffering blazing summers and dismal winters out here in the park, I'm pleased to tell you that you've both been given an extra 30 minutes of life to enable you to do whatever you wish to do the most. So go do it now. Enjoy!"
Morry looks at Naomi, Naomi looks at Morry, and then holding hands, they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and lots of giggling is heard. After 15 minutes of this, Morry and Naomi return, both out of breath and both laughing loudly.
"OK," says the angel, "you still have 15 minutes left. Would you like to do that again?"
Morry asks Naomi, "So, shall we then?"
Naomi eagerly replies, "Oh yes Morry, let's do it again. But this time, let's change positions. I'll hold the pigeon down, Morry, and you can kaka on its head."

Monday, July 25, 2016

All Kinds of Happy

A happy skateboarder. Go, dog.  Go! 
There's happy. And then, there's HAPPY. After a killer exercise class, I'm happy, in an exhausted, "Thank God, that's over" kind of way. However, this isn't the sort of happy that requires damage control via a slick publicist. "Yeah, so, the SJG got a little too happy. It happens. What are you gonna do? She hears Hava Nagila and loses control, especially if she's hit the Manichewitz hard. To all the nice people whose personal space she violated during her Hip Hop Hora at the Hollywood Bowl, she apologizes and promises to never get that happy again."
Hmm.  This skateboarder looks suspiciously Happy. 
The other day, I witnessed a new version of happy, the kind that deserves a capital H, on my way home from the afore-mentioned killer exercise class. Driving up Fulton Avenue, I saw a dude of indiscriminate age, doing a combo skateboarding-dance routine as he veered in and out of traffic. He was wearing headphones, bopping along, waving at everyone. That's an altered kind of happy bordering on wackadoodle. Not that I judge. Well, maybe a little. All I know is, the vision of this total Skateboarding Meshugenah, swaying side to side, is the kind of happy that's in short supply these days. Sure, this guy's happy may be medicinally-enchanced. Maybe I should've yelled out the window, "What the hell are you on and where do I get me some?" But before I knew it, his extreme Happy ramped up my humble happy and made me laugh. So thank you, Skateboarding Meshugenah, whoever you are, and please, next time you freestyle it through Sherman Oaks, wear a helmet.  

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Motherly Suggestions

A conversation with the eldest as he lounges on the sofa:
"Can I come to work with you tomorrow, honey?"
"I never get to see you do anything other than lay on the couch like the former Banana Slug you are."
"What's your point, Mother?"
"It's been years since I've been Room Mother. Why can't I be Work Mother? It'd be fun to watch you act like a grown up."
"That sounds awkward."
"Awkward?! Why would you say that, my son? Are you trying to hurt me?"
"No. It's just that no one else brings their mother to work."
"You can be the first to start a trend. Plus, there are snacks involved."
"Snacks? Go on."
"I'm thinking adorable little pb&j sandwiches."
"With the crust cuts off?"
"That goes without saying."
"What else would you do?"
"Why, I'd clean up after you, of course. I'm sure your desk is a total pig sty."
"That's hurtful, Mother."
"Am I wrong, my son?"
"No. Keep talking."
"I might make a friendly suggestion or two, like... tuck in your shirt, you look like a slob. That sort of thing."
"You know I never tuck my shirt in."
"It's about time you started."
"So basically, it's Bring Your Mother To Work Day."
"Only better. It's not just a day. Anyone can do a day. A Work Mother stops by as needed."
"With food."
"Bagels. Sushi. Cookies. Anything your heart desires, my son."
"Work Mother, huh? The concept has potential. Let me run it by our social media/marketing team and get back to you."
"I thought you were the social media/marketing team."
"You got me there, Mother."
"This is why you need me to drop by on a regular basis."

Saturday, July 23, 2016

A Moment Like This

"So. I hear mazel tov is in order."
"You heard right."
"Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this."
"It feels like it took a lifetime."
"What was it? Six months?"
"More like seven, but who's counting."
"How did you find out? Tell me they didn't text you. What is it with all the texting? Is it so hard to pick up a phone?"
"We had to call. Every few weeks, we called. They put us on hold. We called back. They wanted to keep us in suspense."
"I'm not such a fan of suspense."
"That makes two of us, doll."
"How did you finally pry it out of them?"
"We said, it's us again. Is it in yet or what? We've been waiting forever. And they said hang on, we'll check. A few times, we got disconnected and had to call back."
"Oy. I would've had a coronary."
"So then we all agreed on Saturday."
"Well, I'm so happy for you, I could scream. May you never have to use it. But it's good to know it's there."
"All I care about is that it works, even though I hope I never have to put it to the test. But let me tell you, driving around with a faulty airbag that might explode in my face and take out an eye isn't a good feeling."
"So, now you'll drive around with new."
"New is better."
"Generally speaking, it is."

Friday, July 22, 2016

She's Here, America!

Kerry Fisher alert: She's here, America!

Last summer, I went to London and got to meet the hilarious and brilliant Kerry Fisher, author of so many terrific books that I better mention them at some point in this blog, lest I offend her. And now, America, she's here and I'm rejoicing. I get very British when I'm around Kerry. I start saying things like, "Bloody hell!" and "Ta!" Her Britishness is infectious, but in a good way. No antibiotics required. A glass or two of wine goes better with Kerry, heightening her hilarity. I'm not making this up. She's fun. The way she views the world, and everyone in it, makes me giggle. And a giggling SJG is a good thing. I even forget to kvetch when I'm around her. Just kidding. I still kvetch. And she's so freaking prolific, I'm in awe. This gal writes and writes and writes, and wonderful books happen: The School Gate Survival Guide, The Island Escape, After The Lie. Any additional mention of Kerry's impressive oeuvre and I may require reimbursement. So listen, America. Forget your troubles. Kerry is here. What more do you need? 

Thursday, July 21, 2016

How Many Does It Take?

Q:  How many SJGs does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two. One to stand on a wobbly chair and change it, and one to say, "Oy gevalt, be careful up there."

Q:  How many SJGs does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  You already asked me that.