Saturday, June 23, 2018

A Lot To Ask

"I'm off to get gas."
"Drive safely."
"Oh, wait. Are you going by that place?"
"Which place?"
"You know... the place where they sell the stuff."
"Can you be more specific?"
"The place where they sell the ... um... whatchamacallits."
"You want me to go to the market?"
"No. Not that place, the other place."
"I need more to go on."
"The um... the um... drug place."
"Yes! Are you driving by CVS?"
"Okay. Bye."
"Drive safely."
"You want me to pick up something at CVS?"
"You'd do that for me?"
"I might, if you can tell me what I'm picking up."
"That's a big ask."

Friday, June 22, 2018

The Disinvited List

The following carousers shall be disinvited
from the SJG's Summer Spectacular:

Unruly Hippopotami
Foul-Mouthed Unicorns
Pedantic Unicyclists
Litigious Lion Tamers
Toxic Tuba Players
Watermelon Seed-Spitters
Bouncy Castle Deflaters
Insufficient Funders

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Running Through The Sprinklers

On a hot summer day, my mom would announce, "Who wants to run through the sprinklers?" "We do! We do!" we'd scream with delight. After all, we were swimming pool-deprived kids. What was the alternative? So, we'd put on our swimsuits and run back and forth through the sprinklers, darting around those deadly round toe traps, whooping it up like this was the best activity ever. Sure, there was the occasional stubbed tootsie, and there was only so much prancing through the soggy grass before the whole enterprise lost its allure. Still, we managed to milk the fun factor for a good 10 minutes. The truth is, we really wanted one of these:
Oh, how we begged for a Slip 'n Slide. "Everybody else has one," we argued. This tactic never worked once with either of my parents. "Let everybody else break their necks," my daddy countered. According to my folks, the Slip 'n Slide was an invitation to severe bodily harm, if not total paralysis. I grew up thinking that the Torah clearly stated: "No Jews shalt ever purchase or partake in the Whamo-Slip 'n Slide." Just between us, I must have taken a near-lethal ride down a Slip 'n Slide once or twice, but I've blocked the memory of sheer unbridled nirvana. So, you're probably wondering, did I ever reverse policy and buy my sons a death-defying Slip 'n Slide, still sold today on the open market? 
What do you think? 

Happy First Day of Summer!

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Words To Live By

Every day, I ask myself this: 
1. Where am I? 
2. Where's the nearest exit?

As you strut through life, try not to trip on your stilettos.

There are two ways of spreading cream cheese: with a dainty flourish or a hefty schmear.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

My Mannequin-Husband

(Sherman Oaks) SJG Productions is pleased, and maybe a little disturbed, to announce an upcoming rom-com called "My Mannequin-Husband," about a little Southern gal who falls madly, insanely, over-possessively in love with a boy mannequin in a discount store. "He's my boyfriend-husband!" she declares. "Daddy says stop flirting with the mannequin!" her mother says. In an exclusive interview with the award-losing "That's Show Biz," the SJG shared her excitement. "Let me just say that 'My Mannequin-Husband' will be my production company's first exploration into a non-Jewish arranged marriage. We think it breaks new ground, as we follow the little Southern gal into adulthood, and track her disappointment when she quickly discovers that no one can compare to her first mannequin boyfriend. Her biggest complaint about the non-mannequin guys: Why do they have to talk? Finally, she hires a private detective to find her childhood mannequin-boyfriend, and well, as you can imagine, hijinks and hilarity ensue. 'He's shacked up with a mannequin girlfriend,' the detective informs her. The news doesn't go over well. After a brief stint in the loony bin, she sets her heart on winning him back." Coming soon to your nearest SJG Cineplex, where bagels and lox come with the ticket. Here's just a snippet of the fun that's in store. Double click for full dysfunction. 

Monday, June 18, 2018

The Goat of Father's Day Past

I know, I know, the goat is having a moment, what with the goat yoga and the funny goat videos. I can accept that goats are a gift from nature. They give us wonderful cheese, and do other stuff I can't think of, but let me just say I'm good with goats. What I can't accept is when the youngest calls his own father "The Goat" in a Father's Day card. Parentally, I've rarely drawn a line, but now and then, I simply must draw one.
"Youngest son, come over here right now."
"I'm comfy on the sofa."
"Fine. Answer me this: Why are you calling your father a goat in your Father's Day card?"
"I find that disrespectful."
"Come on, Ma."
"I'm sure your father does, as well. Don't you honey?"
"Doesn't bother me."
"Well, it should."
"I've been called worse."
"I don't know what you mean."
"Remember that time you called me a -- "
"Now, now, let's not dwell on the past. What is it about the goat that reminds you of your father? Is it the way he tends to lock horns with others in a work environment or the occasional traffic situation or whilst discussing politics? Is that why on this day of all days you've chosen to call your father a goat?"
"It's an acronym, Ma."
"Is it now?"
"G.O.A.T. stands for -- "
"Wait, don't tell me. Let me guess."
"Give it a shot, Ma."
"Gregarious. Old. Awesome. Turntable."
"Just tell me."
"Greatest. Of. All. Time."
"Oh. That's very different. Never mind."

Sunday, June 17, 2018

Stay Sharp

For Father's Day, I told the father of my two children, "Let's go online and pick out your gift." To which he said, "You don't have to get me anything." To which I said, "We're standing, we're walking into the office, we're buying you a gift." "But I don't need anything." "What part of 'get up' aren't you getting?" Whereupon, longtime hubby made his way to the computer and ordered himself something that I'm sure very few fathers would dream of receiving on their special all-about-me-and-not-you-day: A knife sharpening kit. "I've wanted this forever." "Than you shall have it," I said, clicking on this and that. When it arrived on Friday, he said, "I won't open it till Sunday." "Why?" "It's more fun to open it on Sunday." To up the fun factor, I waited till he was out, then wrapped it and put on a pretty bow. That's how thoughtful I am. This morning, he opened it. "How did you know this is what I wanted?" "You told me."