Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Hey Girl, It's Bagel Day

In honor of National Bagel Day, the SJG would like to remind you of her Bagel & Lox Diet Plan (trademark pending). In an exclusive interview with The Sherman Oaks Tattler, she explains, once again, why her diet is better than all other diets in the universe. "Listen," she says, dabbing a drop of cream cheese off her upper lip, "I've tried many diets. I've lost and regained the same five, six, seven, okay, fine, eight or nine pounds since I was a radical feminist freshwoman in college. I've counted calories and points. I've weighed myself. I've not weighed myself. There's only so much punishment I can take. Finally, I came up with the meal plan that works for me. For breakfast, I eat a bagel with cream cheese and lox. It's so delish I feel grateful just to have teeth with which to bite into this masterpiece. What kind of bagel depends on whatever greets me at eye-level in the fridge, although I'm partial to sesame. I don't like to over-reach in the morning. I might pull something. And make sure the lox is good lox. Cheap lox ruins the whole deal. Go imported. Local lox is disappointing, in my personal opinion. Toast the bagel first. That goes without saying."
"For lunch, I have another bagel. Maybe an onion, maybe a plain. By now I can bend and stretch and find a decent bagel just about anywhere. Sometimes I find them hidden all over the house. Whoever is doing this, stop eff'n with the SJG. For dinner? You guessed it. Another bagel, cream cheese and lox. This diet, while a touch pricey, keeps me satisfied till the moment I put my keppy down on my fancy Tempurpedic pillow. With this diet, I want for nothing, expect maybe a piece of chocolate rugelach or a nice slice of Halavah. Sure, it's carb-centric. Sure, there's plenty gluten and a distinct lack of quinoa, kale and antioxidant-rich what-have-you. I don't necessarily lose weight on the SJG Bagel & Lox Diet, but at this point, I'm just trying to be happy and fit into some of the items in my closet."

Monday, February 8, 2016

SJG's Super Bowl Highlights

CBS Sports caught up with the SJG this morning as she was watering her bone-dry begonias to find out what she considered to be the highlights of the Super Bowl. "When it ended. That was a big moment for me. I kept saying, 'Is it over?!' I was so happy when it was, I did a little jig around the flat screen. Other than that, the best part of the Super Bowl came early in the game, when my mother-in-law, the decorator, who was rooting for the Panthers, mainly because she liked their uniforms better, shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Hold onto the ball with two hands, you klutz!' For some reason, my husband's family thinks that if they yell at the TV, the players on the field can actually hear them. I've never had the heart to tell them they're wasting their time. Thanks for stopping by, CBS. Can I get you some nice cake before you go?"

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Big Men In Uniforms

This, I'd watch
Super Bowl Sunday.  Hubby at the stove, cooking chili.  The SJG whispering in his ear:  "Not too spicy."  Super Bowl Sunday.  Big men slamming into each other.  A lot of grunting.  The SJG reaching for a tortilla chip:  "This is my last one."  Super Bowl Sunday.  Funny commercials.  Half-time hoop-de-doo.  A touchdown.  A tackle.  A huddle.  The SJG looking up to heaven:  "Please God, let it be over soon."  Super Bowl Sunday.  Sports fanatics in the living room.  Hubby.  His father and mother.  The youngest boychick. And then there's me.  The sports gene.  Not in my DNA.  But the chili is a winner.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

I Was Afraid of That

Things that scare me:
1. Monsters under the bed.
2. Goblins in my head.
3. Headlines I have read.
4. Appointments that I dread.
5. That thing I never said.
6. Encounters with the dead.
7. Moldy-looking bread.
8. Orson's Rosebud sled.
9. Alligators named Fred.
10. So much from A to Zed.

Friday, February 5, 2016

The Labrador Goes With Everything

Dog as decor 

The SJG is somewhat of a design expert, doncha know. Well, it's true. You don't dwell in a palatial, not to mention, sprawling Sherman Oaks estate, without picking up some valuable tips along the way. So here's one I'm most excited to share: Make sure your dog matches the decor. You heard me. Pick a dog with a workable color scheme and you'll never have to worry about your pet clashing with the furniture. Take Dusty, for example. The Eccentric Elderly Pup is a lovely shade of honey. See how his golden hues complement the rug and the bamboo floor, the coffee table and sofa? That wasn't an accident, people. It's by design. Dusty goes with everything. His flaxen fur ties all the tones of the house together ever-so-nicely, achieving a luxurious neutral look, and adding extra depth and dimension, as he lumbers from room to room, arthritically. And now that's he's a vintage dog -- 96 in human years, but who's counting -- the SJG mansion is right on trend, mixing old and new, formal and casual, and just un petit peu de dander, to produce an inviting and comfortable space, worthy of a spread in Bark Magazine.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

The Hebrew Lesson

"Hello Cyril," says Fred, "I hear you know Hebrew?"
"Yes I do," replies Cyril.
"I was wondering what the Hebrew for ‘he' is?" says Fred.
"Hu," says Cyril.
"No one in particular," says Fred, "I just wanted to know what is he?"
"Hee is she," says Cyril.
"Who?" says Fred.
"No, Hu is he," says Cyril.
"I thought you said he is she?" says Fred.
"Yes, that’s correct," says Cyril.
"What is correct?" says Fred.
"Hee is she," says Cyril.
"I have no idea what you said. Who is she?" says Fred.
"No, Hu is he," says Cyril.
"I don’t want to know who he is, now I want to know what she is in Hebrew?" says Fred.
"Hee," says Cyril.
"He who?" says Fred.
"Yes that’s correct, but Hee is she," says Cyril.
"Who is she?" says Fred.
"No, Hu is he," says Cyril.
"Why do you keep asking me who is he?" says Fred.
"I thought you were asking me what he is in Hebrew?" says Cyril.
"Me?" says Fred.
"That’s Hu," says Cyril.
"Who is me?" says Fred.
"No, Hu is he, Mee is who," says Cyril. 

"I don't want to know who you are, I want to know who is he?" says Fred.
"That’s correct," says Cyril.
"But I’ve no idea what I‘m saying," says Fred.
"But you say it so well," says Cyril.
"Who me?" says Fred.
"Why are you asking me who he is?" says Cyril.

"No, I’m asking you what is he?" says Fred. 
"Hee is she," says Cyril.
"Who is she?" says Fred.
"No, Hu is he," says Cyril.
"I’m very lost. Me is who? Who is he? He is she?" says Fred.
"Very good, you said that very well," says Cyril.
"What did I say?" says Fred.
"Mee is who, Hu is he and Hee is she," says Cyril.
"Well if you must know, you’re crazy. I don't know who he is and if she is a he, I’m sure I don't want to know her," says Fred.


Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Disappointed In Des Moines

Dear SJG,
I'm feeling so sad and let down lately. I try so hard, I give and I give, and yet, things don't always go my way. Do you have any guidance for me, o wise one?
Disappointed in Des Moines

Dear Disappointed,
Listen, if I lived in Des Moines, I'd be disappointed, too. I'd be asking myself, hey, how the @#$% did I wind up in Des Moines? Not that there's anything wrong with Des Moines, I'm sure it's nice, but the point is, I was born in glamorous Bev Hills. So I'd have to wonder, How did I get re-routed here? To work through my head-spinning disappointment, I'd follow these simple steps, and suggest you do the same, if you ever want to get on with your empty existence, and I say that with love:

1.Throw an epic tantrum. Yell, scream, pout. What better way to get your feelings out than to act like a two year old?
2. Walk up and down the street, crying, "Why me?" until someone takes pity, invites you in, and serves you a refreshing alcoholic beverage.
3. To get rid of that sinking feeling, wear a life preserver at all times. Sure, you'll get some funny looks, but you'll keep your head above water and make an interesting fashion statement at the same time. You may even start a trend. You may get rich. Or you may get locked up for observation.
4. Make a list of all the people who've let you down, include examples, and send it out in an e-mail blast to everyone you've ever met. This is the quickest way to eliminate these toxic tsuris-makers and lose your carry-on baggage, spiritually speaking.
5. Ask random strangers to share their latest failures with you. You'll gain instant perspective. These people are so much worse off than you, it's incredible. These people are bitter disappointments. Why are you even talking to them? You're not such a loser, after all. Now, don't you feel better?
You're welcome,