Sunday, April 26, 2015

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Cinderella?


Answer: You put on your best glass slippers, assuming your old lady inserts can fit in there, too, otherwise, you wear comfy shoes, and you go see your favorite show of all time, the Rogers and Hammerstein version you watched as a little SJG on TV every year, starring Leslie Ann Warren and Stuart Damon...


Only this one has "The Nanny's" Fran Drescher in it, and the story is tinkered with, and some of the songs are new, but you can deal with that, can't you? Of course. So you set your troubles aside, and you go with your brother John. You go and you have a great time, because how could you not, and then you come home singing, "Ten Minutes Ago I Saw You," over and over, till first hubby and youngest son threaten to make you watch a big, noisy sporting event if you don't stop singing. So you shut up and hum "Ten Minutes Ago I Saw You" in your head.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Bring A Nice Coffee Cake

"I'm not sure I deserve this kindness from you."

What a rough week it's been for the SJG. First, I lost one of the biggest bitches on TV, Victoria Grayson of "Revenge." Spoiler Alert: She blew herself up last Sunday night... in her favorite chair... in the home she used to own but lost to her enemy... Amanda/Emily. This was one storyline the Revengers didn't project from here to the moon and back. They gave us no hints, no foreshadowing. In other words, it was a shocker, my friends. A shocker! Feel free to weep on my behalf. I'm not over it. What, you thought I spent my time over on PBS watching highbrow British telly? Puleeze. That was so "Downton Abbey" ago. I watched two minutes of "Wolf Hall" before my internal snooze button went off. 

McDreamy is McDeady!?

As if Victoria's explosive demise wasn't enough drama for one week, on Thursday night, uh, spoiler alert, Dr. Derek Shepherd bought it, big time, on "Grey's Anatomy." And he still had time left on his contract! What sort of cruel trick is that? Usually, the actor demands more gelt and they get rid of him. But in this case, the actor's demands were met. Unless.... the rumors of McDiva are true, and Shonda just got so fed up with him and his handsome ego, that first she sent him off to Washington, D.C., to think about his bad behavior, and then brought him back as a tease, and then sent him off for good to the Chapel of the Ungrateful TV Stars, a must-see next time you're touring Hollywood. Either way, true or not true, who gives an eff. I'm over here in the S.O., sobbing. 


So come. Sit shiva with the SJG. Help me mourn these epic TV losses and move on with my life. Bring a nice coffee cake. If you can't make it, send a platter. Join me in my grief. If I can't share it with you, what's the point?

Friday, April 24, 2015

Shmutz Happens

I tried to shout it out. It didn't hear me.

"You have spots on your shirt."
"I know. This is one of my shlepadick shirts. Once I get shmutz on them, they land in the shlepadick pile."
"They must get there pretty fast."
"Funny!"
"Thank you."

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Dream Interruption

"An interrupted dream is like a kick in the keppy." - SJG

This idea came to me in the middle of the night and I thought it was genius. This idea will make the SJG rich, rich, rich. I could hear Dan Aykroyd pitching it on SNL.  "New, from Ronco..." In the harsh morning light, however, I see that implementing this idea may be a little difficult.  This idea may require tiny electrodes embedded in my keppy. This idea may require backing from a giant Japanese electronics company.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

The Call Center From Another Dimension


"Hello. I am 'David.' That's D as in Dog. A as in Apple. V as in Victory. I as in... May I get back to you on that?"
"Sure."
"D as in Dog. How may I help you today?'
"My dryer isn't working."
"Your dryer isn't working. I see. What is your name?"
"I have many names, but why don't you call me SJG?"
"I will call you that."
"Great."
"How do I spell that?"
"S as in Short. J as in Jewish. G as in Gal."
"I will call you Miss Short Jewish Gal."
"Perfect."
"Tell me about your dryer, Miss Short Jewish Gal."
"It isn't working."
"Have you tried to unplug it, wait 10 seconds, and plug it in again?"
"Yes, David. My husband told me to do that. It didn't help."
"Have you checked the vent for lint, Miss Short Jewish Gal?"
"I sure have, David. It's lint-free."
"I do not understand."
"There is no lint in the vent."
"So you believe your dryer isn't working?"
"I believe that strongly."
"Is it getting hot?"
"No."
"Is it getting warm?"
"Maybe a little, not enough to dry my wet clothes."
'I see."
"Do you, David? Do you really?"
"Yes, I do, Miss Short Jewish Gal."
"Prove it."
"I will prove it to you. I will send someone."
"When?"
"Soon."
"Can you be more specific, David?"
"Tomorrow between 8 a.m. and midnight."
"That's a long time to wait, David."
"Do you want your dryer fixed or not, Miss Short Jewish Gal?"
"Very much."
"Then you will wait till the repairman shows up at your door. What kind is it?"
"What kind of door?"
"What kind of domicile? An apartment? A recreational vehicle? A shack?"
"I live in a shack."
"Are there stairs?"
"Yes. Ten flights."
"Okay. I will send someone to your shack, Miss Short Jewish Gal. Thank you for calling Maytag. It has been my pleasure to assist you today."

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Drought Shame In Sherman Oaks


Dear SJG,
Is it wrong to drought shame myself for using too much H2-Oh when I self-water? I do like to luxuriate in the bath, and yet I feel bad later.
Thanks,
Agua Waster

Dear Waster,
Drought shaming can be a helpful tool in your journey toward conservation, especially on the eve of Earth Day. I hereby sentence you to call the DWP and be put on hold for two hours. If that isn't punishment enough, you may only water yourself two times a week till the drought ends.
You're Welcome,
The SJG

Monday, April 20, 2015

Gimme A Ticket For An Aeroplane

I had a hard time getting this shot. 

The SJG and the boys soaking up a little culture:
Keith Haring Sculpture, De Young Museum

 Serenity Now at Japanese Garden,
Golden Gate Park

Koi Sighting

Chasing the blues away at Biscuits & Blues:
Castro Coleman, aka Mr. Sipp, The Mississippi Blues Child

Quin-why did I order this thing? 
Answer: Penance for over-eating