Friday, October 31, 2014

Spooked

Dear SJG,
I'm a little worried that a bunch of random zombies, princesses and garden variety monsters may show up at my door tonight for no reason, like they did the year before, and the year before that, and well, you get the picture. These greedy ghouls and goblins seem to want something, but I can't for the life of me figure what. Why are they ringing my bell and why won't they leave me alone?
Thanks, 
Spooked

Dear Spooked,
There's no explanation for this rude behavior. It's a head scratcher. If that went on in my neighborhood, I'd call in the National Guard. But I tend to overreact. The best thing you can do is turn your lights off and don't answer the door. Ever.
You're welcome,
The SJG 

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Skeletons In The Closet

In search of shoes

I stop by to say hi to my neighbor Mindy, as she puts some last minute Halloween decorations up.  "Ew, spooky," I say, re: the giant spider web hanging by the front door. "You want to know spooky?" Mindy asks, adjusting the witch's hat on her head. "Bring it." "So the other day I look down at my feet." "Calluses?" "No." Mindy is a dance teacher.  It must be dance-related. "Bunions?" "Will you let me tell the story?" "Who's stopping you?" "So I look down at my feet and I notice that my right foot is suddenly like an inch longer than my left foot." "What the eff?" I say. "I know, right?" "But why?" "I have no idea.  Hormones?" "Hormones, or lack of hormones?" I ask, looking down at my dainty size sixes. "I've never heard of feet growing out of freakin' nowhere. During pregnancy, maybe. But not long, long after."

"I'll take one in an 8, and the other in a 9."

Mindy gives me a look. "You had to add an extra long? Long, long after?" "It's a fitting metaphor for your situation, don't you think?" "I think I'm sorry I brought it up." "Too late to take it back now.  So what the hell is going on with you?" Mindy shrugs.  For some reason, she seems annoyed. "All I know is, one day, my feet are the same size. The next day, one is significantly longer."

At this point, I'm laughing.  I can't help myself.  I'm wondering if it's time to contact Ripley's Believe It Or Not, or the Guinness people. There could be some money in this for me.  Mindy reaches over to smack me, but I'm too quick.  She clips the skeleton, instead. "You think it's funny?" "It's hilarious." "You wouldn't think so if it happened to you." "But it hasn't." "Imagine going into your closet and putting on your favorite shoes and the right one doesn't fit anymore.  Not so funny, is it?" "Not funny if it happens to me, but funny, really funny, if it happens to you." "You've got a sick sense of humor, SJG." "This is new information?" "I've always suspected it, but to see you in action up close, it's pretty disturbing." "Aren't you glad I stopped by?" "Not really.  Happy Halloween, sicko," Mindy says.  "Happy Halloween, Big Foot."
(10-30-10)

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Quick Thinking

Three women -- two young ladies and a considerably older one -- were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly, there was a soft beeping sound. One of the young women pressed her forearm, and the beeping instantly stopped. The other two looked at her. "That was my pager," she explained. "I have a microchip embedded in my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear and had a short chat. When she had finished speaking, she hastened to explain. "That was my cell phone. I have a microchip inside my hand."

The older woman felt very low-tech and out-of-date. Not to be outdone, she decided that she had to do something equally impressive. So she stepped out of the sauna and went into the bathroom.          

Moments later, she returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The other two raised their eyebrows and stared at her. Finally, the older woman explained. "Well, will you look at that... I'm getting a FAX!" 

http://nicejewishmom.com/id7.html

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

I Know What You Diddly-Iddly Did...

... last Halloween, and the Halloween before that. Dr. Alfred T. (as in Tushy) Baum, the man who gave you those fetching braces, he knew, too. One look at that mouth of yours. One gooey delight was all it took to destroy years of orthodontic miracles. And you, SJG, that's right... you. You vowed not to eat too much candy, diddly-iddly-n't you? Year after year, empty promises. Year after year, you've gone to the dark chocolate place. Will this year be any different, SJG? Will the Peanut M&M's, the adorable Hershey fun-sizes, the call of the peanut butter cups, get the best of you? Or will you stay strong? Let's think about that, shall we? Let's ponder it a mo' or two. Yeah, we kinda doubt it. But please, give it a shot and let us know how that works out for you. We'll be over by the candy bowl, watching you.
Welcome, SJG. We've been waiting for you.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Just Checking In

In the corner of my recently-soaked, coffee-stained laptop screen, a little window just popped up. I don't remember ever seeing it before, but there it is, a one-word open invitation to do what I do best: Complain. Where to begin? Is the universe asking for feedback, in general, or is it just Google, wanting to know what's up? Either way, I will answer succinctly, and with feeling: So much to kvetch about, so much to be grateful for. Just trying to keep it all in perspective. Thanks for checking in with the SJG.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Halloween Denial

These are the times that try the SJG's soul. Send hubby out to buy household stuff at Target, and he comes back with a bounty of temptation:
"I bought Halloween candy."
"Oh, no. No! Nooooooo! Why? Why would you do such a terrible thing?"
"It's Halloween."
"No, no, noooo, it's not Halloween yet."
"It's on Friday."
"Friday. That's like in forever. I'm in Halloween denial."
"Is that a thing?"
"It is for me."
"I'll hide the candy. You won't even know it's there."
"Hide it right now."
"I'm hiding it."
"Good."
"Right behind this tower of tupperware."
"Don't tell me where you're hiding it."
"Sorry. I'll move it behind the olive oil and the --"
"You're missing the point here. I don't know want to know where it is."
"Just don't open it and you'll be fine."
"You make it sound so easy."
"It is easy."
"Maybe for you. But for me, just knowing there's a mini-Reese's in the house is too much for me."
"Those are the best."
"I know."
"You want one?"
"Nooooooo!"
"Come on, you can handle one."
"Okay, maybe just one."

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Ten Ways To Feel Older

1. Click "senior discount" when purchasing two movie tickets online.
2. Announce to hubby, "I bought us senior tickets."
3. Ignore his shaming logic when he says, "That's terrible. We're not seniors. We've got a few years left."
4. Then say, "I know, but wouldn't it be fun if they stop and ask us for I.D. to prove we're seniors?"
5. Pretend you don't hear him when he says, "What's fun about that?"
6. Go to 11 a.m. showing of "Gone Girl" on a Friday morning.
7. Announce to hubby, "Isn't this great? There's no way I'm going to fall asleep during the movie."
8. Bring a snack in case you get hungry.
9. Yell this at the elderly woman still on her cell phone when the trailers start: "I say, you there, in the front row! Didn't your mother teach you manners? It's very rude to talk before, during and after the feature presentation. Be a dear and take it outside."
10. Make sure you remind hubby to wake you up "during the naughty bits."