Thursday, February 26, 2015

Say Prunes!

Such a happy prune.

Pretty much my whole life, whenever my dad took our picture, he'd tell us to say, "PFLAUMEN!

The German word for prunes, pflaumen sounded like "fly-men." 

Here are my grandparents, caught mid-pflaumen. The mere mention of pflaumen made anyone within my dad's Kodak Instamatic range crack up. He wanted real smiles and moments. But that still doesn't explain pflaumen, does it? Hang on, you. I'm getting to it. According to my dad, "in the olden days," photographers would tell their long-seated subjects to say, "Prunes," to achieve a nice smile. At some point, who knows when, the comedy writer changed prunes to pflaumen. Much funnier, don't you agree?

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

I Just Can't See Myself

... with someone who doesn't recycle.

This morning, as hubby heads out the door, he informs me of his intentions.
"I'm going to recycle this box."
"As long as you don't recycle me."
"I wasn't planning to."
"Good. Let's keep it that way."

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

How To Look Less Old

Dear SJG,
The nice people at Punim Enterprises would like to wish you a big fat Mazel Tov on winning the Oscar Pool on Sunday. A hundred and sixty dollars is nothing to sneeze at. Why not double, or better yet, triple your money by investing your gelt with us? The timing couldn't be more perfect. Punim Enterprises is just about to launch a new product that will put us on the beauty map. With a little financial help from you (and many, many others), we can roll out our mitzvah in a bottle in time for Mother's Day.

The miracle elixir in question: Rapidly Aging Punim Reversal, a concentrated anti-aging serum that will correct uneven skin tone, deliver an otherworldly glow and wipe out all the life damage that's settled on your formerly younger face. Consistent usage of Rapidly Aging Punim Reversal will erase all signs of grief, parental aggravation and career frustration, plus make your complexion dewy.

So, please, SJG, put that win to good use. Invest with us and get a free bottle of Rapidly Aging Punim Reversal, which will retail for $399 if we ever get that first shipment out of Krapistan. A chance like this comes along maybe once in a lifetime. You don't want to spend the rest of your limited time on earth filled with regret, now do you? Of course not.

Thanks for your money in advance,
Punim Enterprises

Dear Punim Enterprises,
Embracing my flaws,

Monday, February 23, 2015

And The Winner Is...

Me, dammit. Me.

Well, well, here's one the Oscar experts never saw coming. The biggest surprise of the evening: The SJG won the Oscar pool gelt at Cousin Andy's. A hundred and sixty smackers, minus the forty we put in. So, a hundred and twenty smackers. Sweet victory. This was a huge moment for me, an Oscar party highlight, a once-in-a-lifetime achievement. I pretty much had the lead the whole show. Sure, I missed a few. I messed up here and there. But everyone else messed up so much more. Their ballots were a shameful, shameful embarrassment. My heart goes out to the losers. You know who you are. Names available upon request.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Oscar Predictions

The SJG predicts the following may or may not happen at the 2015 Academy Awards: Neil Patrick Harris will open with a lengthy musical tribute to "The Jews of Hollywood." Richard Linklater will announce his follow-up to "Boyhood" -- "Bar Mitzvah: A Thirteen Year Walk Toward the Bima." Meryl Streep will wear a vintage Oscar de la Renta made of tallises. Michael Keaton and Eddie Redmayne will pass out yarmulkes for the group celebrity selfie that will break the Internet for good.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Vote For Me

Look who stopped by.

Ding dong. Bark bark. Ding Dong. Bark bark.
"@#$%! Not another candidate for City Council. Hang on! Dusty, hush... Who is it?"
"Ethan Hawke and Patricia Arquette."
"Wait, what?!"
"It's Ethan Hawke and -- "
A quick check through the peephole. Spank my butt and call me Charlie. It really is them.
"Ethan, Patricia, hi. What a surprise."
"Hi, SJG," Ethan says.
"We're huge fans," Patricia says.
"Ditto. I loved you both in 'Boyhood.'"
"So you're going to vote for us?" Ethan asks.
"Vote for you? Please tell me you're not running for City Council, too?"
"I'm running for best supporting actor," Ethan says.
"And I'm running for best supporting actress," Patricia says.
"We're hoping you'll check our names on your ballot," Ethan says.
"Unless you've already filled it out," Patricia says.
"Not yet. I don't have to turn it in till we get to my cousin Andy's on Sunday."
"Cool. Then there's still time to win you over," Ethan says.
"We're really hoping you'll commit to voting for both of us," Patricia says.
"We're a package deal. If you vote for Patty, you have to vote for me, too," Ethan.
"Unless you only want to vote for me, which is fine, too." Patricia says.
"That's not how we rehearsed it," Ethan says.
"I know, but, look at her face. She's obviously conflicted," Patricia says.
"Patty's right, Ethan, sorry. I'm voting for J.K. Simmons in 'Whiplash.'"
 "You sure there's no way I can change your mind? Maybe throw some high-end Oscar swag your way? I've got the basket in my car. Lots of bling."
"Are you trying to buy my vote?"
"Absolutely," Ethan says.
"Oh, Ethan, Ethan, Ethan. I love me some bling. But you're missing the point, I'm afraid. Oscar pools aren't about who deserves to win. They're about guessing who will win. You gotta vote with your keppy, not your heart. You see the diff, big guy?"
"Yeah, I hear ya, SJG. What you're saying is, you'd rather vote for me than J.K., but you're voting for him because you think he'll win."
"Actually, he deserves to win and will win. Not that you're not good in 'Boyhood.' You are. But he's better in 'Whiplash.'"
"Wow, okay. Thanks for your honesty, SJG," Ethan says.
"Well, we hope you'll vote for 'Boyhood' for best picture," Patricia says.
"I haven't made up my mind yet, hon."
"Which way you leaning?" Ethan asks.
"'Boyhood' looked good for a while, but the prospects have dimmed. Everyone's predicting 'Birdman.' But 'American Sniper' has a shot, too. A shot. See what I did there?"
"We've gotta go, SJG. We've got a lot of voters to reach today," Patricia says.
"Thanks for stopping by, guys... good luck. Oh my God, is that Bradley Cooper coming up the walkway?! @#$%! I better go put on some makeup and a nice outfit. I can't let him see me like this. Tell him to wait, okay?"

"Vote for me, SJG."

Friday, February 20, 2015

If I Can't Sleep

If I can't sleep, I don't count sheep.
I think of Seinfeld and his peeps.
Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine.
Who won "Master of My Domain"?
"The Contest" went to George, hands down.
But George, that cheater, stole the crown.
In the end, it was Jerry S.
"Lord of the Manor"? Turns out, yes.