Friday, December 19, 2014
"Ma! What happened? I thought you'd be home by now."
"Did you get lost?"
"In the parking lot."
"Who gets lost in a parking lot?"
"They wouldn't let me out."
"What'd you do?"
"You assume I did something?"
"I did nothing, Son."
"Come on, Ma. You did something."
"I tried to leave."
"Walk me through it."
"I went down the ramp to the ground level."
"Go on. This is riveting."
"Hang on to your tallis, honey, it gets better."
"I'll be the judge of that."
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:06 AM
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 7:21 AM
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Also wrong group
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 7:55 AM
Monday, December 15, 2014
1. The Office Party: Nosh and drink plenty, but never mix Schnapps with Dr. Brown's Cream Soda. You'll get a bad buzz. Don't overindulge on the latkes; they'll go straight to your ass. Don't do that striptease hora you've been rehearsing. Save that for your nephew's bar mitzvah.
2. Hanukkah Cards: Fine, send a Hanukkah e-card to people you could care less about, but it's nicer to slap on some postage and send a real card to the few friends and family you're still willing to tolerate, and vice versa.
3. Re-gifting: The high-risk recycling of unwanted Hanukkah presents is a major no-no. Never forget that karma's a bitch. Re-gifting that talking yarmulke will come back to bite you, big-time.
5. Mind the Menorah: Never use a lit menorah to set the mood. A menorah isn't a marital aid. Remember, the oil may have lasted eight days, but that's the only miracle you're looking at here.
6. The Perfect Guest: For once in your life, arrive on time, and bring a little something. A bottle of wine, some Star of David cookies, potpourri. Don't sit on your butt. Offer to help. You went to college. You can find the kitchen.
7. The Perfect Host: Be welcoming, organized and sober, at least at the beginning. Hide your valuables. Lock up your children.
8. Don't be a Nudnik: Just because Hanukkah conjures up bad memories of when your parents denied you that Ultra Susie Bake Double Oven Deluxe you wanted, try not to ruin everyone else's good time. Embrace the fun, even if it kills you.
10. Thank Yous: Thank your hosts throughout the evening. Thank your hosts after you leave. Call them from the car and gush. What a great evening! We had the best time! Lie if necessary. Go overboard. Go home and write them an email praising the delicious food, sparkling decor and entertaining company. Promise to reciprocate, and actually do it. Call the next day, and lay it on thick. If you want to be invited back next year, show the love, or next Hanukkah, you'll be playing Dreidel in the dark.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 7:51 AM
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Last year, just before Hanukkah, Sara, a grandmother, was giving directions to her grown up grandson who was coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the condominium complex. I am in apartment 2B." Sara continued, "There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 2B. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 2. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy," replied Jonathan, the grandson, "but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"
To which she answered, "You're coming to visit empty handed?"
Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor's windows, Nathan asks his father, "Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?"
"What? No, of course not.' says his father.
"'Why not?" asks Nathan again.
Bewildered, his father replies, "Well, Nathan, because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness."
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:36 AM
Saturday, December 13, 2014
1. Hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. However, I may hike Ventura Boulevard, from Laurel to Coldwater. Then again, I'll probably drive it, instead.
2. Performing an interpretative dance in honor of 12/13/14. However, I may sit on the sofa at exactly 12:13 and pretend I'm 14.
3. Attempting a festive nautical updo. However, I may weave a menorah through my hair, unlit, most likely.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:04 AM