Saturday, July 21, 2018

Gettin' Wiggy With It

The afternoon arrival of the wigs, courtesy of a wonderful wigmaker named Judi Lewin, created quite the spectacle over here at the SJG palatial estate. It was Sir Blakey's first encounter of the wig kind and he drew all sorts of erroneous conclusions. The Royal Rescue Pup of Questionable Lineage mistook the wigs for a variety of creatures, including tiny furry dogs, squirrels, possums and very large rats. He spent the remainder of the day circling the table and keeping an eye on the wigs, ready to pounce if necessary. Luckily, the wigs never made a move. The only move they're making will be into the SJG limo, for the ride to Theatre West, where the hilarious cast will rehearse "Brushes: A Comedy of Hairs." And let's be honest. You can't have a show about hair without wigs. You just can't.

Friday, July 20, 2018

The Return of The Travelin' Kansan

Two years ago, the updates started early in the morning, along with the photo I will not post, for fear of retribution:
"Well, I've been up since 4 and spilled coffee on myself in the car."
My reply: "Oy vey. I can Shout it out for you."
A few minutes later, the next update, more alarming than the last:
"I can't get the top of my Smart Water bottle open."
My reply: "Oh, dear God! Ask a tall, dark and handsome stranger for help. This is an emergency."
Then, 30 minutes later, this:
"Just figured it out. Only took me a half hour. I'm on the aisle with the tiniest person in the middle seat. Ba-bye."
My reply: "Perfect. I knew you could do it. Safe travels!"

And so, today, she's on her way. Again. Cathy Hamilton is officially flying in from Kansas for our big weekend of rehearsals and the staged reading of the show we wrote together -- "Brushes: A Comedy of Hairs." It's my second turn to host her after she's hosted me more times than she probably wants to remember. She's been upgraded to a better room. This one has a TV. And a portion of a cluttered closet has been vacated for her wardrobe. This in itself is a miracle. To welcome her once again to sunny, hot, sweaty Sherman Oaks, I'm blasting the AC and telling Sir Blakey not to jump on her. But you know how he is when it comes to orders.

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Operatically Unwise

Dear SJG,
Every year I audition, and every year I get rejected from Opera Singer Shul. Confidence-wise, I'm at an all-time low. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Operatically Adrift In Ojai
Dear Adrift,
Every year you write me, and every year I tell you the same thing. You can't sing for ka-ka, operatically or otherwise. It's time you accept your vocal limitations and pursue something you're truly gifted at, like, oh, I don't know, kvetching. If there's a shul for kvetching, you're a shoo-in.
You're Welcome,
The SJG

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Ho-Ho Hee-Hee Ha-Haaa

It has been well-established, mostly by, who else, me, that there are moments in my life when I laugh like an unhinged hyena. I can only conclude that this particular brand of hysteria is my way of letting off steam and/or avoiding a lengthy stay at the Ho-Ho Hee-Hee Ha-Haaa Farm, depicted in one of my favorite Dr. Demento selections, "They're Coming To Take Me Away." My hyena fits are legendary, let me tell you, especially the one I had while giving birth to the eldest way back in the late 80s. They'd given me something to get things going, and boy, did it get me going, laughing so maniacally that a crowd of nurses gathered to watch me lose it. But now I've done something to rival that incident, and this time, no one rushed in to put an oxygen mask over my punim, so that's progress. Yesterday during my writing workshop, I decided to read a New Yorker humor piece to the group, hoping they'd find it as funny as I did: Encouragement For Struggling Creatives.
And as each line landed like this... 
And as each stare looked like this... 
I lost all sense of decorum and started howling with laughter. "What's so funny?" Bruce asked. "It can't be what she's reading," Phyllis added. "Should we call the paramedics?" Jane pondered. "I've got them on speed-dial," Nury chimed in. "I thought you'd find this funny," I said, between giggles and gasps for air. "Listen to this and tell me it's not funny: 'Remember that just when the caterpillar thought the world was over she became a beautiful butterfly. Which is to say, we can't pay you at this time, but, in a way, doesn't the exposure more than make up for it?' That line sums up my entire career." Crickets. Followed by a group grab for the cookies.
Please God, if you're listening, let this not be the case at the FREE reading of "Brushes: A Comedy of Hairs," this Sunday, July 22 @ 7, at Theatre West, 3333 Cahuenga West.  (See what I did there?)

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Factory Recall

(Sherman Oaks) The factory that designed the SJG from scratch announced today a recall of the internationally-known blogger, due to a major glitch in her electric power system.  "We forgot to install an off-switch in the SJG," said factory spokeswoman Lavinia Pepper Morganblatt. "She's one of our earlier models, built in the late 50s and recently discontinued. Our highly-trained mechanics gave her a portable off-switch, but she kept losing it. So now, we're thinking of letting the SJG idle indefinitely in our vintage museum, unless, by some miracle, she learns to shut down on her own."

Monday, July 16, 2018

Scenes From A Millennial Wedding

The long-marrieds

Celebrate the newly-marrieds

A sweet gal we've known since babyhood.
A sweet guy who vows to fulfill her every wish.
And what could be better than that? 

A very hip and happening, Pinterest-ready downtown venue called the Millwick, where even the rapidly aging, yet glittery and glam SJG felt "like this" with the millennials in attendance, until they shoved me off the dance floor during the death-defying hora.  

Sunday, July 15, 2018

Exclamatory Soccer Commentary!

Live! From the Palatial Estate of the Short Jewish Gal! The World Cup Final! Starring France vs. Croatia! Commentary by Longtime Hubby!
"Yep."
"Yes."
"That's a handball."
"You can't be any clearer than that."
"Penalty!"
"Yes!"
"Come on!"
"Who's gonna kick it?"
"Come on!"
"Come on!"
"His arm was away from his body!"
"Put some pressure on him!"
"Come on, baby!"
"Come on!"
"Yes!"
"A good first half!"

Well, thanks for stopping by. Help yourself to some coffee and a nice pre-sliced bagel. We'll be back after this message from Gas-X.