Friday, September 4, 2015
I'm feeling like a twisted challah of nerves. My 108-year-old Not-So-Great Auntie Gert is threatening to come to Rosh Hashanah dinner. I'm terrified she'll plotz before the brisket's sliced. Plus, I've already set the table and there's no room for her minyan of caregivers. Is there a diplomatic way to handle this delicate situation?
Yeast Likely to Rise to the Occasion
Dear Yeast Likely,
Cancel the dinner. Who needs the aggravation?
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Get tush out of bed by 6:20. Adoring sons need shlepping to public shul.
Revised Rule #1:
Oh, right. Sons no longer need shlepping. They can shlep themselves wherever they need to go. Or take Uber.
Rule # 2;
Let hubby get his tush out of bed by 6:20. The Elderly Eccentric Pup needs shlepping at a snail's pace around the neighborhood.
Revised Rule #2:
Oh right, this still applies. Have I got hubby well-trained, or what?
Get tush out of bed by 7.
Revised Rule #3:
Or stay in bed. Milk it as long as possible. Here's what I've learned the hard way. Until I get out of bed, the universe revolves around me. Once I step foot on the luxurious yet affordable bamboo, all bets are off. So now and then, I oversleep. In this way, I accidentally grab an extra moment of "me" time.
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:07 AM
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
"Yes, Wolfgang. It's me. Who else would it be?"
"Someone I don't idolize from afar."
"Oh, Wolfie. Don't stop there. Tell me more."
"I've always wanted to meet you."
"What? Me? Why?"
"Because of the kugel."
"You know from kugel?"
"I know from your kugel."
"Dear God in heaven, you're making me kvell all over the tablecloth."
"And you, SJG, are making me happy as a fresh butter clam."
"So, tell me, what's with your kugel obsession?"
"May I sit down and tell you?"
"It's your place. You can do whatever you want."
"Thank you. Just yesterday, I Googled kugel, and up came your recipe."
"Get out of town!"
"I can't leave just yet."
"Fair enough. Continue."
"I'm thinking of adding kugel to the menu for the Jewish holidays. Using your recipe."
"I'm thinking it's a perfect pizza topping."
"Kugel Pizza? God forbid. Sorry, Wolfie, but that would never fly with my people. Kugel deserves its own universe. You throw it on dough, you're looking at tsuris."
"What if I call it the SJG Kugel Pizza?"
"On second thought, the SJG Kugel Pizza is exactly what the world needs right now."
"I thought you'd like it."
"Like it? Try love it. Especially if my pizza winds up in the frozen section at Gelson's. It'll be a mob scene. They'll be lining up around the block. This could be the international sensation you've been waiting for."
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves, SJG."
"Wolfie, you want to use my recipe or not?"
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:39 AM
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
|"Actually, these aren't bad times to be delusional."|
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:00 AM
Monday, August 31, 2015
"Could you be more specific?"
"I'm feeling disappointed."
"Aw, well, that narrows it down."
"What should I do?"
"Lower your expectations."
"Less of what?"
"So if I expect less, I'll feel better?"
"You can't feel any worse."
"But what if --"
"Sorry. Time's up."
"But it's only been 50 seconds!"
"What'd you expect?"
"A full minute."
"What did I just say about expectations?"
"I should lower them."
Sunday, August 30, 2015
"I heard she's shrinking." "Who isn't?"
At the health club before class:
"I had a bone density test on Friday."
"How'd it go?"
"If you're shrinking, I'm in big trouble."
"I'm no longer 5'9. I'm 5'8."
"Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?"
"I'm sorry for your loss of height."
"You don't seem sorry."
"When you hit 5'2, I'll send heartfelt condolences."
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 8:44 AM
Saturday, August 29, 2015
"Thanks. Just one more thing. Why am I hearing 'Happy Birthday' over and over again? Is it someone's birthday today?"
"Oh. Then I'm really losing my mind."
"You're not the only one."
"You're hearing it, too?"
"Actually, I'm hearing 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.' "
"So I haven't lost it, completely. I feel so much better now."
"Good. Have a seat. We'll call your name soon."
"Just one more thing. Why am I hearing 'Happy Birthday' and you're hearing 'Twinkle, Twinkle'?"
"It's not 'Happy Birthday.' It's Twinkle, Twinkle.' "
"Oh my God, you're absolutely right. I have lost it. How could I not know the difference between the melody for 'Happy Birthday' and 'Twinkle Twinkle'?"
"If you'd been hearing it for the past 20 minutes, I promise you, you'd know it's 'Twinkle, Twinkle.' "
"Twenty minutes? You poor gal. You're keeping it together, nicely."
"Thank you. Have a seat. We'll call your name soon."
"Just one more thing. Is there a reason 'Twinkle, Twinkle' is playing on a continuous loop? Is it office policy? A nice way to calm down the ladies before we get our boobies flattened like pancakes?"
"There's a little boy over there, waiting for his mommy. He's got a toy that plays 'Twinkle, Twinkle.' "
"Oh, well, that explains it."
"Yes, it does."
"Just one more thing. Do you think he'd mind if I 'borrowed' his toy and forgot to give it back?"
"I think he'd probably mind."
"Then I won't."
"Smart decision. Have a seat. We'll call your name soon."
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider at 9:08 AM