Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Going To The Courthouse


When the day arrives for them to say, "I do"
When the day they'll get married is Oct. 18
When the day is the same as your dad's birthday
When the day brings you joy in a million ways

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

A Lifetime To Share

Where there is love there is a brand new toaster oven.

If I had a bagel for every time I thought of you, I could open a deli. 
You're not truly married until you formally announce it on social media.

A marriage works best when you ignore the dumb and thoughtless things your spouse says when sleep-deprived. 

Monday, October 16, 2017

Nice To Meetup With You

At a volunteer Meetup, as the young people say, as opposed to Meeting -- too businessy and boring -- or as I like to call a small group of peeps sitting around a table making conversation -- Hellody, Strangers! -- we introduced ourselves and then picked a piece of paper from a bowl with a fun question. Mine went something like this: "Who would you be if you could be somebody else?" I admit I was momentarily thrown. My whole life, I never knew I had such an option. No one ever handed me an exhilarating alternative. In this moment, my busy monkey mind went into overdrive. "Dear God, this question is throwing my entire identity upside down. Does this mean I can click my heels together three times and become someone else? What would my family think if they found out I wasn't me, anymore? Would they celebrate?!" "Uh, Carol, could you answer the fun question?" the volunteer leader said.  "Oh, sorry. If I could be somebody else... I'd be... I don't know... it's a tough one... uh... maybe, oh wait, I know... Ginger Rogers."
Why Ginger Rogers? Why the eff not? I loved her style and grace and the way she danced with Fred. I loved everything about her. Well, not everything. Politically speaking, not so much. She was a lifelong member of the Daughters of the American Revolution. I'm a lifelong member of the Granddaughters of the Russian Revolution. Ginger and the SJG, we were worlds apart. But to dance like her, to float on air, to tap tap tap my troubles away? That would be something. It really would be something.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Zombie Nurse Johnny & Friends

Scotty, Aunt Elly, Zombie Nurse Johnny, the SJG, 
hubby and Scotty's lovely girlfriend Katri. Hovering above us in a very threatening manner: Zombie Chef Boyardee.

Who else but my brother, Zombie Nurse Johnny, would throw an early Halloween party? No one comes to mind. He's been Halloween-obsessed pretty much forever. Every year, he tries to outdo himself, and last night's early scare fest exceeded all expectations. I screamed at least twice, and spilled my drink in fear at least once. Let's face it, I'm an easy mark. The foggy graveyard, the bloody shrunken heads, the skeletal crew, the freaky-ass maternity ward... I may never recover from this spooky hospital visit. And don't even get me started on what happened to Cowboy Bob. 
Zombie Nurse Johnny introduces soon-to-be-married Billy
to his long-lost Uncle Cleaver. 

Zombie Nurse Johnny shows bride-to-be Chloe just what kind of deranged family she's marrying into. I'd never heard anyone scream in French before. Impressive! 

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Shirley & The Shindiggers

Shirley & the Shindiggers

Only one week to go before the big splashy celebration that started off as a smallish low-key soiree -- when have I ever done anything low-key? -- and has now morphed into a full-blown post-wedding extravaganza with entertainment by Schlomo & the Sophisticates and Shirley & the Shindiggers. Sure, the party's gotten pricy. Yes, we're way over budget now that we've decided to provide helicopter service to the guests who've bothered to RSVP.
Schlomo & the Sophisticates

But not to worry, my friends. SJG Enterprises has it under control. Not to brag, but if not me, who then, my side businesses have over-performed in 2017. Turns out, anything with "Anti" in the name brings in gelt like you wouldn't believe. The SJG's Anti-Aging Wrinkle Eradicator, the SJG's Anti-Kvetching Electro-Shock Wristband and, it goes without saying, the SJG's Anti-Slouching Velcro Sling, have all proven profitable and then some. Boy, are the Shark Tank people miffed they never let me on the show. But I'm not bitter. Why? I'll tell you why. Because I've sold enough anti-this and anti-that to almost cover the hors d'oeuvres. And the fact that the invitation clearly states "Potluck: Bring Your Own Everything" should really cut back on the expenses. Like I said, not to worry. This just-married jubilee promises to be huge and very, very loud. Just don't tell the neighbors. I hear they're not big fans of noise. Oh, wait, that's me.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Where You Lead, I Will Follow

I took the shocking news as well as I could, given the ambushy nature of the reveal. "Next time you come here," Renee, commander in chief of my baby fine ka-ka hair, and co-prezzy of the SJG Beauty Team, whispered, "you'll go somewhere else." "Come again?" "Next time, instead of coming here, you'll go to another place." "Please to repeat in a language I can comprendo." "Shush!" "Did you just shush me?" "I don't want everyone to hear what I'm saying." "Would you like me to hear what you're saying?" "Of course." "Out with it, gal." "We're leaving the salon." "Oh. Oh! Wow." "Next time, you'll go here," she said, softly, handing me a card, "not here." "So there, not here." "Right." "Color me surprised. What about Lenny?" Lenny is commander in chief of my hair color and co-prezzy of the afore-mentioned team. "He's leaving, too. We're all leaving. We hate it here." "Mass haircare exodus?" "Right."
So, after 12 years at the now ex-place, and I forget how many at the other ex-place, I've relocated for the third time to yet another salon. Basically, where my beauty team leads, I will follow. That's how devoted I am. Plus, they're the only people on the planet who know how to handle this ridiculous flyaway mess that sits atop my keppy.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

See Cashier?!

"It said See Cashier."
"That's me."
"What's the problem?"
"I bet your card's been compromised."
"Compromised? Why me? Why now?"
"It's going to be fine, ma'am."
"Ma'aming me? At a time like this?"
"Sorry. Just give me your card."
"Do I have to?"
"You want gas?"
"Yes."
"Then give it."
"Okay, fine, here. Promise you'll give it right back?"
"Scout's Honor. How much gas?"
"A full tank. Fill 'er up with premium."
"Premium? Pretty fancy."
"You have no idea."
"Okay, I'm sliding it through now... and... voila."
"Voila what?"
"Voila, nothing's wrong with your card."
"Then why did it say See Cashier?"
"Sometimes I get lonely."