Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Oy, Hanukkah!

When I think of Hanukkah:
I see candles breaking as they hit the prongs
There goes a red one, there goes a blue.
I take more out of the box and try again.

When I think of Hanukkah:
I see educational toys stacked in closets
Rejected by the two young sons
Who only wanted Hot Wheels and Power Rangers.

When I think of Hanukkah:
I smell latkes frying in a pan
I hear the smoke detector going off
A reminder to remove the batteries next time.

When I think of Hanukkah:
I see Star of David cookies I bought at Ralph's
For the second grade holiday party
A better person would've made them herself.

When I think of Hanukkah:
I see me hunting for hidden gifts
Where did Mommy stash them all?
Please God, let there be an Easy-Bake Oven.

When I think of Hanukkah:
My mind spins like a wooden dreidel.
Where did all the menorahs go?
Can we get back the ones our boys made in temple?

Monday, November 30, 2015

Spend, Spend, Spend

In cyberspace, no one can trample you or take out an eye with a hanger. If that's not a reason to spend without leaving your house, what is? This morning, my inbox floods with Happy Cyber Monday!   50% off! 75% off! Well, how can I resist? When it comes to clothes, easily. I'm not good with the online shopping. I study the pretty models, in their pretty tops and skin-tight pants, and what occurs to me isn't, oh, joy, oh, rapture, please God let them have it in my size. I find it demoralizing. I can't picture myself in clothes worn by tall skinny gals.  I need an online version of me.  Give me a short Jewish gal with a butt. Give me a gal under 5'2." Give me the SJG Line of Contempo Wear.  Fill an online page with petite middle-aged models, well-endowed in the backside, and I will throw dollars at you. Today I lack the fortitude to click on something that might fit in this lifetime should certain body parts suddenly decide to cooperate. Today my internal credit card is maxed out. But please, don't let that stop you. Stay in and spend, spend, spend. I double dare you. Happy Cyber Monday, to you and yours. Let me know what you buy, and what you return.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

A Formal Request

Last night at 10 p.m., the SJG uttered the following sentiment in a Mary Poppins accent, whilst leaning over the upstairs bannister, in my jammies:
"May I formally request that you keep the manly whooping, yelling and hollering to a minimum?"
From downstairs, hubby issued the following heartfelt reply:
"The Kings just won in overtime!"
"To repeat, are you done making a racket, or must I call the police and formally complain?"
"It was a beautiful goal, Ma!"
"How lovely for you both. Done or not done?"
"We're done."
"Sorry, Ma."
"Hmm. Spoken with a modicum of sincerity."
"Really sorry."
"Still needs work."
"Must you yell?"

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Sweata Weatha!

"Hello, old friend."
"Hello, yourself."
"What? You're not happy?"
"For months you walk right past me, you never talk to me."
"I'm talking to you now."
"Only because you need me."
"It's finally cold outside."
"And once it warms up, you'll neglect me again."
"I'll always love you."
"Ha! You loved me when you bought me. I was young and pretty and you folded me, nicely. Then, you got lazy. You started hanging me up with the others. Now I'm out of shape. You take me for granted. You assume I'll always be here."
"You're a sweater. Where else would you be?"
"Out to dinner, or, God forbid, a movie. I'd settle for anywhere."
"Would you prefer a pile for Goodwill?"
"No thanks, I'm good. Don't worry about me. I'll just sit here in the dark."
"We could go to the market. Would you like that?"
"Compared to spending another day in this closet, yes."
"I don't understand the resentment. You're surrounded by friends."
"Friends? Please. The long-sleeves never talk to me. They're my competition. You put on a long-sleeve, you might not need me."
"I need you both. It's cold."
"You say that now, but tomorrow the temperature could go up and it's back to the T-shirts."
"You don't like the T-shirts?"
"The T-shirts are mean. They talk about me behind my back. They say I'm too heavy most of the year."
"Stop kvetching and I'll take you to New York with me. It's really cold there."
"Do I have to share a suitcase with the others?"
"Maybe I'll wear you on the plane."
"Promises, promises.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Black Friday SJG Steals & Deals

SJG Black Friday Sale

Let's face it, those eight nights of Hannukah are a real bitch, gift-wise. Every year, you run out of ideas. After the fourth night, your generosity dips to a new low. Your urge to give gives-out. Your kids, or God willing, grandkids, your nieces and nephews -- the delightful offspring of siblings you're still talking to, or at least emailing with -- are a difficult bunch to please.

Relax. The SJG is here for you. In honor of Black Friday, for the first time ever, the sporadically-acclaimed international blogging sensation will offer her devoted readers a pricey, high-end collection of misguided mishegas, miscellaneous maladies and maternal madness, at a HUGE discount. Buy one big box of crazy and get a second one for free. Today only! What are you waiting for? The line is already around the block. The smart people camped out last night. Hot kugel and coffee for the best-behaved shoppers who don't shove, trample or tackle anyone on the way to the sale table. Supplies are limited. Hurry up, slow poke. You need this more than you know.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Happiness On Thanksgiving, You Should Have

Today, the SJG wants you should fress to your heart's delight without gaining so much as an ounce.

Today, the SJG wants you should remember all the things you're grateful for, and keep the things you're ungrateful for to yourself, because we're tired of your negativity.

Today, the SJG wants you should hug your people and never let go, unless they claim near-suffocation, in which case, release your grip a bissel.

What I'm trying to say is this: Happy Thanksgiving to all my bitches...

... and all my boychicks, too.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Hanukkah Gift Ideas

Dear Sister,
Here's a subtle hint. All I want for Hanukkah is Dorothy's dress from The Wizard of Oz.  It's a steal at $1,565,000, not to mention, a nice conversation piece. I'll never ask for anything ever again. 
P.S. Word on the street is you're rolling in gelt

Dear Brother,
So much for your Hanukkah surprise.