Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Celebrity Collisions

The very, very tall Krysten Ritter of "Breaking Bad" 
& "Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23"

Forget Hollywood.  Sherman Oaks is the place to bump into a celebrity. Literally.  Just hang out at Whole Paycheck with the SJG and watch what happens.  The other day, I backed my big booty right into Krysten Ritter.  "Oh, oopsie doodle!" I said, shifting my tush so she could squeeze by me.  Yeah, I know.  My butt just gets in the way sometimes. This is the blessing and the curse of the SJG Anatomy. But I prefer to blame the narrow aisles at Whole Paycheck.  From up above, came sweet forgiveness.  "That's okay," she said. As the lanky actress strutted away, all leggy and model-like, I got a good look at her.  "Oh!  It's Krysten Ritter," I whispered to hubby.  "I just saw her on 'Hollywood Game Night.'" "I'd like six chicken feta sausages," he said to the guy behind the counter.  Hubby doesn't get too excited by celebrity sightings. Thirty years of working in TV tends to do that to a fella.  But I enjoy these starry collisions, thoroughly, and look forward to the next one -- as long as it's not vehicular in nature.  

Monday, July 21, 2014

New Ride Debuts At Six Bagels Over Sherman Oaks

Abandon all hope.  The People-Pleaser is finally open at Six Bagels Over Sherman Oaks.  It took 56 years to develop, but according to its designer, the Short Jewish Gal, it was well worth the wait.  "Basically, everyone on the ride gets to sit in a colorful, comfy seat, except you, of course. For you, this ride is no-win.  So hang on for dear life as you teeter, precariously on a shaky, unreliable track that may plunge you into a Shame Spiral at any moment.  Risk your self-esteem while you cater to everyone else's needs. But wait, the fun is just beginning. God forbid you spill a refreshment or drop a cookie into the Pit of Despair! You have two seconds to retrieve it or you're sent back to the beginning of the longest ride in amusement park history. That's right. It never ends. Pretty scary, huh?  You may come up short, but you'll find a way to overcompensate. What choice do you have?"

Sunday, July 20, 2014

The Magical Benefits of Kosher Pickles

Kosher pickles.  So many wonderful benefits.  What say we take a peek at a few?  Okay, if you insist:
1.  Appetite suppressant.  Eat a jar, I dare you.  A whole jar.  You'll be so bloated, you won't eat for at least a week.  You'll drop pounds like nobody's business.
2.  People Repellent.  A pickle a day keeps the unwanted house guests away.  Who wants to be near all that burping?  Those freeloaders will pack their bags and be at a hotel before you know it.
3.  Instant Grief Relief.   Stick a nice fat slice of a good kosher "p" on each eyelid and wait.  All that salt. All that stinging.  All that pent-up emotion.  Within minutes, you'll be weeping.  Later, you'll feel better.
4.  Dimply Skin Deterrent.  Rub a pickle on the problem area.  Soon you'll develop a rash.  You'll never wear a bathing suit or shorts again. Keep the lights low wherever you go.  No one has to know about your unsightly human flaws.
5.  Shoe Shiner.  Cut up some pickles and rub them over your best shoes.  The chemicals will give them a lovely protective shine.  Only downside, those pretty pumps are now permanently stained with green pickle juice.  What were you thinking?  Don't believe everything the SJG tells you.  Most of it is made up, silly.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Next Guest!

"I'll take a tall, hot blonde." -- Dude at Starbucks
"You used that line yesterday.  Order denied.  Next guest!" -- Barista
"I'll take a short Jewish gal."  --  Offspring Enabler
"Remind me what that is again?"  -- Barista
"An un-tall iced coffee with room for disappointment."  --  Frequent Kvetcher
"You want that sweetened?"  -- Barista
"I'd prefer a teaspoon of guilt." -- Cognitive Therapy Drop-Out

Friday, July 18, 2014

If Only

"Woof, woof.  Woof, woof, woof."  Wouldn't that be wonderful?
Dear SJG,
What's with all the bad news?  Every time I turn on the TV, I find out the world is falling apart. Is this any way to start my day?
Thanks,
Frowny Face :(

Dear Frowny,
Listen, at least you're waking up in your own high-end Tempurpedic with a roof over your head.  Imagine waking up to find your fancy bed double-parked on Sunset Boulevard in rush hour traffic.  Sucky enough for you? Try to keep your perspective on things.  And, if it's any consolation, remember this:  The world has been falling apart since the beginning of time.
You're Welcome,
The SJG

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Skip It

I bet Isadora D. never skipped it. 
"We're stuck in the small studio tonight."
"I hate the small studio."
"I like the big studio."
"The big studio is better."
"The lighting is better in the big studio."
'The big studio is cooler."
"What happens if we don't dance tonight?"
"Nothing bad."
"But you shlepped from Culver City to teach us."
"I don't mind the drive."
"And you shlepped from Granada Hills."
"It didn't take that long."
"Where did you shlep from?"
"I didn't shlep.  I live five minutes away."
"Oh.  So you want to dance tonight?"
"Not really.  I have a terrible headache."
"So, we'll skip it."
"Skip class?"
"Yeah.  Let's skip it."
"Play hooky?"
"Yeah."
"I'd feel so reckless."
"So, you don't want to skip it?"
"Are you kidding?  I'd be jazzed to skip it."
"So, we're skipping it, then?"
"Everyone in agreement, say oy."
"Oy!"
"It's decided.  We're skipping it."
"Oh, no.  Here's come Lynn.  She shlepped from Topanga Canyon."
"Hey, Lynne.  Guess what?  We're not having class tonight unless you make us."
"Why do I have that power?"
"We don't feel like dancing, but we'll dance if you make us feel bad about skipping it."
"To be honest, I don't mind skipping it.  I'm tired."
"Okay, then.  We're skipping it, for real."
"Thank God.  I'm so exhausted I can barely stand up.  See you Sunday."
"Unless we decide to skip it.  I hear it's going to 99, at least."
"We're not skipping Sunday."
"If we skip Sunday, we're really a pathetic bunch of lazy-ass losers."
"That's harsh."
"Hey, if the Capezio fits..."
"I'm going now.  Bye."
"Bye."
"Love you."
"Love you."
"Drive safely."
"You, too."
"Adios, slackers!"
"Ba-bye now."
"I've never been more ashamed of myself."
"I bet you have."
"Yeah, you're right.  See you Sunday, bitches!"

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

If My Lawn Could Talk

"I want to look pretty again." 
I feel bad about my lawn. Truly, I do. If you saw my lawn, you’d feel bad about it, too. You might not say anything, because you’re too nice, but you’d be thinking bad things about my lawn, I just know it. Before water restrictions, my lawn used to be pretty and green, but now it has ugly brown age spots and dead patches. My lawn looks thirsty and depressed all the time. If my lawn could talk, it would say that twice a week just isn’t enough. My lawn has needs, too, you know. It wants what it can’t have – more water. But if I give it more water, I’ll be fined by the DWP. So I must suffer.