Monday, February 19, 2018

Happy Day Off

Dear SJG,
Today is Presidents Day. Big whoop. How hard can it be to run a country? I run a household. Why doesn't someone give me a national holiday? Haven't I done enough to warrant a celebration?
Resentful in Reseda
Dear Resentful,
From what I hear, your diplomatic skills need a little work.
You're Welcome,

Sunday, February 18, 2018

The Heartbreak of Celebrity Splitsville

The news that Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are kaput after, what, two and a half years of marriage, has hit the SJG hard. I'm walking around the palatial estate in a daze, mumbling to myself, why, why, why? This morning, hubby expressed his concern.
"What's wrong now?"
"I think he called it off."
"He who?"
"You know who."
"Oh, him."
"Yes, him. Justin Thereoux of the leather jackets and the sexy stare and the mysterious eyebrows."
A man of many eyebrows

"How do you know he called it off?"
"Just a hunch."
"You were reading People again, weren't you?"
"I thought you were doing a Celebrity News Detox."
"Whoever gave you that idea?"
"Last night you said, 'I'm so done with these celebrities and their short-lived marriages and all their mishegas. Why can't they be happy like the rest of us?' "
"Oh, honey."
"That may be the first time you've ever quoted me accurately."
"I was listening. I know how much you wanted it to work out for them."
"I really did."
"Jen and Justin gave you hope."
"You get me."
"Well, we've been married a long time."
"Does that mean from this point on, you'll always quote me accurately?"
"What's that line you always quote from that old movie?"
" 'Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars'? "
"Who talks like that?"
"Bette Davis in 'Now, Voyager.'"
"Let's not talk like Bette Davis."
"Why'd you bring it up then?"
"I wanted to give you a way to end your blog."
"You think of everything."

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Buckle Up For Safety

Rifka, a young mother, is teaching her six-year-old daughter Ruth how to unbuckle her seat belt. 
Ruth asks, "Do I click the red square, mummy?" 
Rifka says, "Yes, darling." 
Ruth then asks, "Single click or double click?"

Lionel is wandering around Bloomingdales one day, looking quite worried. Then he notices a beautiful lady doing her shopping. As she is on her own, he goes up to her and says, "Excuse me, but I need your help. I've lost my wife Sadie here in the shop. Could you please talk nicely to me for a few minutes?"
"Why would that help you?" she asks him.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, Sadie appears out of nowhere."

Moshe goes into his local post office to buy some stamps. As he walks up to the counter, he sees a middle-aged man, methodically sticking stamps onto a pile of pink envelopes. He's also placing "I Love You" heart-shaped stickers onto the envelopes. When he's finished, the man takes out a bottle of French perfume and sprays all the envelopes with it.
Moshe has to find out why, so he goes up to the man and asks.
The man replies, "I'm sending out 100 scented Valentine cards, each one signed, 'From you know who'."
"Why so many?" Moshe asks.
"Because I'm a divorce lawyer and business is not so good."

Friday, February 16, 2018

Meet Me Half-Way

One gal lives in Hidden Hills. The other gal lives in Sherman Oaks. "Let's meet half-way," says the shorter gal. "Tarzana," says the other gal, taller and ever-so-lithe. She names the place, a swanky golf club. "Great," says the shorter gal, as though familiar with the location. But deep down in the shorter gal's preoccupied keppy, she's thinking of another swanky club she went to one time back in the '90s. So, despite the address and a quick look at a map, too quick for it to make much of an impression, the shorter gal, a bit old school, unforgivably ignoring all the fancy smart phone app options, changes out of her schlep-wear into something more presentable, and heads off for her destination, going too far, turning around, finding the street and then driving right past the swanky club without as much as a glimpse. Now she's driving up some random street into the hills of Tarzana, convinced she's supposed to be going to the other swanky golf club, even though she's not.
Soon the shorter gal is lost and pulls over and starts with the satellite map app to get her out of this troubling situation. Finally, she must concede how eff'd up and directionless she is. "I'm a Westsider!" she yells. "I was never meant to live in the Valley." No one answers. So she calls the taller friend, so lithe-like, so calming. "Are you using Waze?" "No." "You're not using Waze?" "No." "Where are you?" "Lost in the hills." "Turn around and go down the street." "I'm doing that." "Okay, where are you?" "I'm going north." "North?" "Toward Ventura." "I don't know from North or South." "Hang on, I think I see the street I was supposed to be on. I'm turning right." "Look for the crane." "The what?" "The green crane in front." "Okay." "You know, the construction crane." "Oh... yay, there it is." "Now turn in the parking lot." "I'm turning." "Do you see me waving?" "No." "Keeping driving." "I see you now. Hi." "Hi." Thanks for meeting me half-way." "I tried to pick the easiest location." 

Thursday, February 15, 2018

The Stories Blend Together

the stories blend together
the images start to blur
one after another after another
and we can't help but wonder
what are we fighting for
it can't be that difficult
to set down some rules
to make it harder
to make it impossible
to take down the innocent
at a school
at a concert
at a nightclub
but year after year
nothing changes
the stories blend together
the images start to blur
one after another after another
and we can't help but wonder
what are we fighting for

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

How Random

It happened a while back. It hasn't happened again. But this morning, the aging SJG felt a bisele nostalgic. So I share this with you once again, in hopes of inspiring you to go out there and do a romantic mitzvah for a perfect stranger. It may work. It may land you in the pokey. If that should happen, God forbid, SJG Bail Bonds is here for you. Give us a call. Until then, read this and keep your heart open. You just never know, you know?
In the parking lot of Gelson's, a nice-looking dude approaches the SJG. How random is that? "Excuse me," he says, a dozen roses in his hand. "Can you tell me what my T-shirt says?" I smile, weakly.  I think, oh great, he wants something. A dollar. A donation, no doubt. I shush my inner-cynic, momentarily. I play along. "Random... Acts... of... Kindness... Everywhere," I say, grinning now.  Getting it. He hands me a rose. "Oh, wow.  Really?" "Have a good day."  I'm touched by this RAKE moment. Surprised and touched. Even, dare I say it, teary-eyed. How often does a perfect stranger hand you a rose and ask nothing in return?  Not that often.  Not often enough.  It's so random. So unexpected. Works for me. So... Happy Valentine's Day to you... and you... and you, too.  Now go out there and be romantic. Go get mushy and overly sentimental. Sing someone a love song.  The whole song. Don't leave out a single verse. Do a dance to love. Do something random. I dare ya.
A dance to love

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

A Mother's Password Security Questions

1. When is the last time you called your mother?
2. When is the last time you texted your mother?
3. When is the last time you did something nice for your mother?
4. How many grandchildren do you plan to give your mother?
5. How many times has your mother enabled you in the past month?