Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Boomer Butt

Take one butt, heart-shaped and ample. Take one pair of high waisted jeans. Put them together and you’ve got a global fashion disaster of epic proportions. Long before poor Jessica Simpson slapped on a chunky leopard belt and torso-hugging denims – to the dismay of a TMZ-loving planet – I traveled that same lonesome road myself.  Yes, I donned a pair of Mom Jeans… once. One time was enough to scar me for life. And I wasn’t even a mom yet. Far from it. I was a curvy teenage girl with eye-catching booty. It was the ’70s, people, and high waisted, extra-wide bell bottoms were the rage. Oh, I just had to have me a light blue pair.

Like Jessica, I bought into the theory that high rise pants would create the illusion of longer legs. So what if my rump came along for the ride, not to mention my hips and my super cool platform shoes? Not even 5’2”, I could barely walk in them, but you’ll just have to trust me on this. I had it goin’ on. I had more style than I could handle.  Or at least I thought so, till I hit the pavement outside my first period ceramics class and received the first of many bewildered stares directed at my rear. One boy walked by, shook his head and sighed. Another looked at my tush and asked, “Why?” My tush had nothing to say. All day long, my butt faced nonstop derision. I won’t lie. It hurt my feelings a bit. I’m not made of steel, you know.

That night, I hung up those jeans and never let them out of my closet again. My school held an assembly just to thank me. The banner read: “Wise Decision.”

So Jessica, I feel for ya, girlfriend, I really do. But don’t let the bastards get you down. Hold your head high, and wear those Mom jeans even higher. It’s your signature look now. Don’t run from it. Au contraire. Embrace it. Milk it for all it’s worth. Work it, baby. Turn a profit while you’re at it, too. Give ’em a new name, a new sense of ownership. Heck, you’ve already got a line of fancy shoes. Don’t stop there. Can Jessica’s Jeans be far behind? Place your orders now, that’s my advice.


DianeD (anonymous) says...

This is hilarious.  And BTW, I don't get the public's Jessica bashing. I should look like her and suffer the same criticism... If only.

sherrie (anonymous) says...

Diane,  You're funny,probably clairvoyant too--unfortunately "Jessica Jeans" will have their day with the rest of 80's revival. I wrote 2 books on style. Should I give up now?