Wednesday, May 13, 2009


LOS ANGELES (BG) – A short Jewish gal from Sherman Oaks, embroiled in a row stemming from last month’s controversial neighborhood beauty pageant, was told Tuesday she can keep her crown, despite the release of semi-naked photos. Real estate tycoon Donald Trump, who owns every neighborhood in America, and hence, all related pageants, announced at a press conference in New York’s Trump Tower that Carol Starr Schneider “will remain Mrs. North of Ventura Boulevard, even though South is pricier.”
Starr Schneider, 50ish, risked losing her crown after pictures of her wearing little more than a bath towel appeared on the Internet, despite having stated that she had never posed nude or semi-nude.

“I have no idea who took those photos of me stepping out of the shower,” she told BoomerGirl. “I don’t know how they wound up on the Internet, but I suspect someone South of Ventura Boulevard took them right as my towel slipped off. I only wish they’d had the decency to air brush out the bumpy bits, stretch marks and sunspots.”  Trump said the photos did not violate her contract as Mrs. North of Ventura Boulevard.  “We have determined that the pictures taken are unflattering, but not as terrible as we first suspected,” he said. “Some were embarrassing and should be destroyed, some were hard to look at, but again, we’re in the 21st century…. In many cases they were actually lovely pictures, particularly when viewed in the dark.”

In a tearful statement broadcast live from her backyard, Starr Schneider attacked the leak of the pictures, dating to the start of her career as spokesperson for those who dwell in her humble, less showy zip code.
“I’ve been victimized for my opposition to zip code snobbery. I do live above Ventura Boulevard, it’s true, and I’m proud of it. No matter your zip code, it’s everyone’s right to live wherever they want, with whomever they choose, in wedded bliss, assuming they’re crazy enough to try it, with one condition.”
Starr Schneider said there had been “hateful attacks, despicable rumors and false allegations” ever since she stated that one condition in response to a judge’s question at the “Mrs. Above & Below the Boulevard” competition, where she was runner-up.

"I am not an activist, per se, nor do I have a personal agenda, but I do believe, strongly, that before, during and after a nicely-attended, well-catered ceremony, the betrothed homeowners should never park their RV, boat or Harley on the front lawn, thereby decreasing the property values of the neighborhood. Now, is that too much to ask?”  Apparently, her statement ruffled the feathers of RV, boat and/or Harley owners. Starr Schneider has denied working for various “politically correct parking” lobby groups.

However, she has become a highly visible, if unofficial champion of the cause. Supporters claim that she lost the Mrs. Above & Below Ventura Boulevard crown, a coveted position for women with too much time on their hands, because of her “clear the lawn” stand, not to mention her interpretative dance, which judges deemed “uninspiring.” Still, she said she feels honored to retain her title of “Mrs. North of Ventura Boulevard,” and will use it responsibly. “If I’ve learned one thing from this experience,” she told BoomerGirl, “it’s to keep the window blinds closed in the bathroom at all times.”