Let's Do A Header

Does anyone know how to do a header? 

Sunday afternoon.  A call from Santa Cruz.  "How do I do a header?" asks the college boy.  "A what?"  "A header and a footer?"  "Have you joined the intramural gymnastics team?" "Put Billy on."  "Billy!"  "Let me talk to him," says hubby.  "Be nice."  "Scott, what's the problem?"  "I need to do a header and a footer for my essay."  "When it's due?"  "Tomorrow."  "Why do you always wait till the last second?"  "Can I talk to Billy?"  "Bill!"  Billy gets on the phone.  "Hey, Scotty Boy.  You want to do a header, not a footer."  "Keep talking."  "It's really easy.  Go to view, header, footer."  "But you said I don't want to do a footer."
"Don't worry about it.  Type your name and then press insert page number.  It comes up next to the toolbar."  "There's no toolbar." "There has to be a @#$%'n toolbar."  "There isn't." "You're not in the right place.  What comes up?"  "Some weird little scroll thing."  "Make sure you're not on insert page number, you're on view."  "But he needs to insert the page number," I chime in.  "Shush!" Billy says.   In the background, hubby hovers.  "He should figure it out on his own."  "Why are they in the room?" the college boy asks.  "Scotty.  Are you on view, for @#$%'s sake?" "I already said I was on view." "No, you didn't." "Are you going to help me, or not?"  "Do you see the @#$%'n tool bar?" "No."  "If you can't see it, then something's wrong with your stupid @#$%'n Microsoft."  "Great.  Thanks a lot.  Put Mom on."  Billy hands me the phone.  "He's a lost cause."  "I'll figure it out," I say.  Billy issues a mean-spirited laugh on the way down the hall.  But guess who does solve the header-not-footer thing, sort of, temporarily? The SJG, casual yet elegant computer expert.  Yes, you heard me.  With hubby at the computer, and a blank document on the screen for practice, I bark various commands with stunning authority, and come up with a brilliant header arrangement that's not quite right, but close enough.  Scotty expresses his gratitude.  "You're the best, Mamaloo."  Billy comes back in the room and scowls at the results up on the screen.  "It's wrong.  It looks stupid.  He's going to get marked off."  "It's his own fault," says hubby.  "Gotta go," says Scotty.  "Bye."  Two minutes later, he calls back.  "Put Billy on."  "Billy!"  This goes on for the next two hours.  Billy sends his little bro' video instructions.  Hubby rings up M.I.T.  I call Bill Gates.  It goes to voicemail.   In the end, we give up.  So.  If someone out there knows how to do a @#$%'n header, a footer, or even an in-betweener, feel free to share, and soon.  The essay's due in a few hours.