Advice for the Hollywood Lovelorn

Splitsville

Dear SJG,
The Canadian I live with, make that lived with, aka People's Sexiest Man of the Year, and I have decided to end our starter marriage of two years.  We'd like to remain friends.  Do you think that's possible?
Just wondering,
Scarlett


Kaputski



Dear Scarlett,

The chances of you and Ryan staying friends are about as good as the SJG winning a Golden Globe for Best Performance by a Short Jew.  Dustin Hoffman already won that one a while back. 

You're welcome,
The SJG

Dear SJG,
After wracking my brain, thinking, 'Why am I not out there playing the field?' I went ahead and dumped my girlfriend of four years.  She's a sweet girl, but I'm ready to share the wealth, if you know what I mean.  As a parting gift, I'm thinking of giving her a Minnie Mouse soap-on-a-rope for Christmas, unless you can think of something a little less personal. 
Thanks,
Zac

Dear Zac,
By all means, give Vanessa the soap-on-a-rope, so she can tell you exactly where to stick it. 
You're welcome,
The SJG