The SJG's Rules of Hanukkah Etiquette

Don't forget to tip

Dear SJG,
I always get confused by Hanukkah.  Do I have to atone for the entire eight days?  Am I allowed to recline on a bed of matzoh?  Must I bathe in Manichewitz every morning?  How many latkes should I hide from the children?  Should my head spin clockwise or counter clockwise when I play Extreme Dreidel 2010? 
Thanks for your help,
Hebrew School Drop-Out

Dear Drop-Out,
By all means, keep atoning.  Lie down on matzoh, wake up with crumbs in your hair.  A person who bathes in wine gets tipsy faster.  Your head should spin clockwise till it flies off and bounces down the hall. 
You're Welcome,
The SJG

Dear SJG,
I'm never quite certain how to behave during Hanukkah.  What are the rules of etiquette at this festive time of year?
Thanks,
Ill-Mannered in Sherman Oaks

Dear Ill,
I just so happen to have a little list I've compiled for the occasion.
1. The Office Party:  Nosh and drink plenty, but never mix Schnapps with Dr. Brown's Cream Soda.  You'll get a bad buzz.  Don't overindulge on the latkes; they'll go straight to your ass.  Don't do that striptease hora you've been rehearsing.  Save that for your nephew's bar mitzvah.
2. Hanukkah Cards: Fine, send a Hanukkah e-card to people you could care less about, but it's nicer to slap on some postage and send a real card to the few friends and family you're still willing to tolerate, and vice versa.
3. Re-gifting: The high-risk recycling of unwanted Hanukkah presents is a major no-no.  Never forget that karma's a bitch.  Re-gifting that talking yarmulke will come back to bite you, big-time. 
4. Hanukkah Tipping:  Always welcome.  I take cash, credit cards, all-expenses-paid European jaunts. 
5. Mind the Menorah:  Never use a lit menorah to set the mood.  A menorah isn't a marital aid.  Remember, the oil may have lasted eight days, but that's the only miracle you're looking at here.
6. The Perfect Guest: For once in your life, arrive on time, and bring a little something. A bottle of wine, some Star of David cookies, potpourri.  Don't sit on your butt.  Offer to help. You went to college. You can find the kitchen.
7. The Perfect Host:  Be welcoming, organized and sober, at least at the beginning. Hide your valuables. Lock up your children. 
8. Don't be a Nudnik: Just because Hanukkah conjures up bad memories of when your parents denied you that Ultra Susie Bake Double Oven you wanted, try not to ruin everyone else's good time. Embrace the fun, even if it kills you.
9. Perfect Presents: Pretend you like the gift. Act surprised, no matter what crap you've been given. Remember that someone took the time to choose and poorly wrap a sh*tty gift for you.  So take the time to be gracious.  Later, you can weep. 
10. Thank Yous: Thank your hosts throughout the evening. Thank your hosts after you leave.  Call them from the car and gush.  What a great evening!  We had the best time!  Lie if necessary.  Go overboard.  Go home and write them an email praising the delicious food, sparkling decor and entertaining company.  Promise to reciprocate, and actually do it. Call the next day, and lay it on thick.  If you want to be invited back next year, show the love, or next Hanukkah, you'll be playing Dreidel in the dark.
You're welcome,
The SJG