A Letter From Frank

"Guys and Dolls," "How To Succeed" 
composer and lyricist Frank Loesser

Among the many treasures I've managed to unearth during Condomania is this amazing letter Frank Loesser, a close friend of my dad's, wrote to my brother Peter on the occasion of his Bar Mitzvah, dated April 19, 1965.

My dear young man:
   I am sending this to you at the address of your parents, on the assumption that you have not yet run away from home.  That is quite proper, as you should not make your exit empty-handed.  Sound and mature judgment has no doubt already prevailed in favor of your leaving fully loaded with Bar Mitzvah loot and money.  I write you this note on receipt of a handsomely-engraved and typographically impeccable invitation from your folks to attend your Bar Mitzvah on this coming May 22nd.  It happens, alas, that neither Mrs. Loesser nor I will be able to attend.  To assuage our sense of regret about this, there is the consoling thought that your folks can make the chopped herring supply stretch farther.
   There is an almost fundamental reason why we can't attend.  It is as follows:  my daughter Susan -- an only slightly Jewish girl -- is getting married to a total Gentile on that very same day.  You can understand why we must prefer this occasion, even though the speech will not be as stirring and determined, and the food won't be anywhere near as good.  But the whole picture represents a happy sort of balance.
   While you're up there proclaiming to your parents and your congregation and the world that you are indeed a Jewish man, my little daughter will be in effect establishing her alliance with a member of a goy family.  That means that my future grandchildren will have to learn chopped chicken liver, the way to pronounce "meshuggeh," an appreciation for George Jessel, and various other chochmis which is yours from the very beginning.  On the other hand, my grandchildren may very likely be fine and upright people, like Lindbergh, or Thomas Edison.  They probably will drill for oil or raise cattle.  They probably will see something in the Republican Party.  It's a cinch they will have less cholesterol.
   The whole idea of populating the world with various kinds of people is part of what your father will tell you is my master plan.  If there is any cockamamie motto that goes with this, maybe it is BE PROUD OF WHAT YOU ARE AND LET OTHERS BE PROUD OF WHAT THEY ARE.  If everyone felt that way, world peace wouldn't be hard to arrive at.  Of course, today there are too many mixed-up people with strange and sometimes compulsive loyalties.  Take for instance your father.  I say this in absolute confidence that you will not spill the beans to the Rabbi.  Your father worships ME.  So much for calm, judicial Jewish solidarity and world peace.
    But wait.  That there should be this monstrous flaw in your father's otherwise fine character -- is, in a way, very valuable to you.  A Jewish boy must sooner or later find something fallible about his father -- some weakness -- some capacity for error.  And there you have it.  Now when you get up on May 22nd and tell everybody that you have become a man, you can do so with a tone of superiority -- and even maybe with a baleful glance in mid-speech -- at the old man.  I congratulate you in advance, and wish you a most joyous Bar Mitzvah.
    Respectfully already,
    Frank Loesser