Help Yourself

"By any chance, did you just spend $500 at Victoria Secret?"

"Are you kidding?"
"$400 at Sephora?"
"That's a lot of makeup."
"What about Hot Dog on a Stick?"
"You know I don't eat hot dogs."
"Were you just at the mall?"
"I was just on the sofa. I'm still on the sofa."
"So you didn't leave your American Express card somewhere?"
"Uh, no. What's going on?"
"I got a text alert. Some a-hole went apesh*t with your account."
"What the eff?! But how?"
"Who knows."
"So someone went on a crazy-ass shopping spree with my card? Even though it's still in my wallet?"
"Apparently."
"What is wrong with people?"
"So much."
"Be honest, honey. Are you a little disappointed it wasn't me dropping dollars at Victoria Secret?"
"There's still time. The mall's open till 9."
"But I'm so comfy on the sofa."