What Do You Got?

My namesake: Carol Merrill 

This morning I offered hubby the candelabra or the scandalabra. He wanted details. He's detail-driven. I gave him the breakdown. "The candelabra is silver, plus I'll throw in the matching silver tchotchkes." "Tell me more." "That's all I got. Oh. Daily polishing required if you want to see your own shiny reflection." "What do I get with the scandalabra?" "The question is what don't you get?" "Meaning?" "You can pick from a vast catalogue of scandals, whereas the candelabra comes 'as is.'" "Tell me more." "Basically, it's the gift that keeps on giving. You want a football scandalabra?" "NFL or college?" "We got both.  Or maybe you're in the mood for a National Enquirer-style, nail-biting celebrity scandal." "I didn't know celebrities bite their nails." "It's covered up, for the most part. Hence, the scandal." "What else?" "You want a royal scandalabra? Even if there isn't one we'll make something up." "I'm not comfortable with that." "Then you don't have to pick it.  Maybe you'd prefer a culinary scandalabra, straight out of 'Master Chef.' Or you might like a juicy political scandalabra. That's always fun. An international scandalabra might be more up your alley. Or maybe you'd like us to dial it down for you, make it a little closer to home. A neighborhood scandalabra, perhaps?" "Yea, like who called the cops on us for hogging half-a-parking spot with a bin full of concrete for three eff'n days." "Now you're catching on." "I mean, really, people? Don't you a-holes have something better to do than call the cops on us?" "Don't get too worked up, honey.  It's time for you to make your choice. Candelabra or scandalabra?  What's it gonna be?" "I choose Door #1." "That's not an option, honey." "It should be."