Motion Sensitive, Among Other Things

This is how I look... much like Dr. Evil... when I'm begging motion-sensitive sinks and paper towel dispensers in airports and 99 percent of today's posh public bathrooms to just frigging work for me.

I stand there like a dumb-dumb, waving hello and goodbye, running my hand over and under, this way and that way, until maybe, if the universe is listening, it works.

If it doesn't work, which I take as a personal slight, I move on to the next sink and the next sink until, much like Goldilocks, I find one that's just right for the SJG. When the water behaves, it offers but a trickle. Then I must deal with the motion-sensitive soap dispenser. I wave hello and goodbye to that, too. Sometimes I get a happy spritz of soapy foam. Sometimes I don't. In which case, I move on to the next @#$%'n motion-sensitive soap dispenser. Then I must deal with the motion-sensitive paper towel dispenser. I must wave hello and goodbye until I get a tiny strip of brown paper that will soon disintegrate in my hand. If I'm at the airport, by now I've missed my flight. And then, there are those rare times when I find myself waving hello and goodbye to a "normal" faucet or paper towel dispenser. But I no longer recognize "normal." So like an idiot, I wave and wave until finally, 10, 20 minutes later, it hits me like a block of Halvah. Oh. I just turn this knob here and get water. I push here and get a paper towel. These are the miracles I look for in life. They don't come my way too often, but when they do, I wave hello and embrace them.

Thank you, universe, for this nice paper towel.