So you're not invited to the Oscars. You're hurt and a little bit miffed. The fact that you've never made a movie, been in a movie, stepped foot on a movie set, or even seen any of the nominated movies is besides the point. You're feeling left out and bruised. The overnight facial you gave yourself didn't quite take. Your rental gown from DressLikeABitch.com hasn't arrived. It's just a bad time for you, in general. Well, as the SJG likes to say, "Oh eff it! Who gives a flying eff off a rolling donut." You don't need a beauty expert to get you ready to sit on the sofa and watch the Oscars. You've got the SJG. You don't need a complete overhaul to prance from the kitchen to the flat screen clutching a bowl of chips like a life preserver. You've got the SJG.
Despite all the tsuris you've probably brought on yourself, you still want to look fetching for the important celebrities in your midst: the nice people who co-star (and sometimes demand top billing) in the on-going dramedy called "This Is Your Life, Deal With It."
Despite all the tsuris you've probably brought on yourself, you still want to look fetching for the important celebrities in your midst: the nice people who co-star (and sometimes demand top billing) in the on-going dramedy called "This Is Your Life, Deal With It."
Whether you're watching the show at home, or at someone's house, you don't have much time to spruce up. So here are three easy beauty tips to get you sofa-ready:
1. Before leaving the house, put some clothes on, so as not to repeat last year's Oscar Party Snafu. The host said "voting optional." Not "clothing optional." It may be time for a hearing aid.
2. Upon arrival, ask the host to turn the lights down low, thereby minimizing your myriad flaws. Even better, demand candlelight. Everyone looks better in candlelight.
3. If you're watching at home with your mispocha and royal rescue pup, wear the sweatpants with the fewest holes, drape yourself in jewels, including that statement necklace you inherited from Aunt Kissy, and most importantly, reserve the best spot on the sofa before someone, offspring or canine, claims it. Threaten, withhold food, whine and sob, if necessary. Do whatever it takes. You can't look fetching on the sofa if you're stuck in a folding chair.
3. If you're watching at home with your mispocha and royal rescue pup, wear the sweatpants with the fewest holes, drape yourself in jewels, including that statement necklace you inherited from Aunt Kissy, and most importantly, reserve the best spot on the sofa before someone, offspring or canine, claims it. Threaten, withhold food, whine and sob, if necessary. Do whatever it takes. You can't look fetching on the sofa if you're stuck in a folding chair.
Have fun, and please, when someone hands you another glass of wine, remember to thank the SJG in your drunken acceptance speech.
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