The Next Big Thing

Pooping on Patio Chairs. In my backyard, this goes on for months. The birds of Sherman Oaks keep using my patio chairs as their personal porta-potties. Well. The SJG is not amused. I don't wish to look out and see bird crap on my patio chairs. I don't wish to sit on patio chairs adorned with bird crap. I'm so done with bird crap. Done, I tell ya. I'll have you know it's ruffling my eff'n feathers. Call me obsessive (you wouldn't be the first) but instead of working on my long-gestating bestselling Beach Read, my fun and uplifting, page-turning ouevre, I spend my time rearranging the patio chairs in an effort to dodge the afore-mentioned angry bird droppings. It is my private Titanic. I ask you:  isn't it enough that I must scoop Sir Blakey's poop into Doggy Duty recyclables on a daily basis?What am I, the maven of waste disposal? Maybe I wouldn't kvetch so much if they made a similar depository for birds, something scented with E-Z ties. Whoa. Hang on a second, sistah. I may have stumbled onto something huge.   can see it now: Birdy Booty Bags. A new eco-friendly product, courtesy of, who else, the SJG (patent pending). Oh, hell yes, I'm gonna make dollars off of bird sh*t if it's the last thing I doo-doo.