The Visitor

I walked into the bathroom and there it was on the floor, big as a Buick. "Oy vey," I said, and backed out, quietly, on dainty tip toes. I'm sorry, what's that? You think I said something a little stronger than, "Oy vey." Fine. You know me too well. "@#$%!" I yelled, and ran out of the room in terror. "Honey," I called downstairs. "Can you come up here please? We have a visitor." "What kind?" "The creepy crawly kind." "Be right there." "Hurry. And bring something to capture it."

The visitor waiting to be captured.

Soon hubby appeared with his trusty assistant Sir Blakey. They were all over "The Cockroach Situation," a sitcom coming this fall to SJG-TV. "That's a big eff'n cockroach," hubby said. "I came in to brush my teeth and there it was. I may have panicked." "Woof," Sir Blakey said, thinking it was a treat. "Get it," I commanded, "before it gets away." But honestly, where was it going? Whomp! Down came the plastic container. The cockroach started running in circles. A sad sight indeed. Very... what's the word I'm looking for? Kafkaesque. (BTW: Do you know how long I've been waiting for the right moment to use Kafkaesque in my blog? So long!) 

"Cockroach Under Plastic," an exhibit coming to the SJG Contemporary Art Museum in 2022, was an abstract expression of modern day captivity. "Now what?" I asked. "Now I need something to slide under the container." "Of course you do!" I grabbed the ancient alarm company sign that resides under the bathroom scale -- why? I have no idea -- and watched in amazement as this man I married a while back skillfully slid it under the container, the temporary residence of the afore-mentioned GIANT COCKROACH, and proceeded downstairs, the Royal Rescue Pup (of questionable lineage) by his side. "Careful, careful," I coached from a safe distance, "don't drop that mother-eff'r." Moments later, hubby, a lover of all living creatures (except certain occupants in Washington, don't get me started) and freed "The Massive & Scary Insect That Nearly Destroyed The House," a horror movie in pre-production over at SJG Pictures, like the true Boy Scout he is, and life as we know it over here in Sherman Oaks returned to normal.