I've Looked Better

                                  My New Driver's License Photo

Whenever I show my driver's license, I warn the cashier, "This is me, a long time ago."  Sometimes the folks behind the counter believe me, sometimes they don't, and I'm forced to call for backup.  "Sorry to pull you out of a meeting," I tell my husband, "but I need you to come down to Gelson's and convince them I'm me.  Bring a recent photo; a nice one, where my eyes are open."  Apparently, my super coiffed-up, mid-'90s hairdo, my rosy cheeks and youthful glow, don't exactly jibe with the current version I present to the universe.  My driver's photo freezes me at an ideal time in my life:  I'm in my 30s, my sons are young and innocent, my career is hot.  Best of all, I weigh the same thing I did in high school!  I'm sure I was lying at the time, but who cares?  According to my license, I'm really thin!  I can still remember the moment the camera flickered and I flashed my teeth.  If my photo could talk, it would say, "Check me out! Ain't I somethin'!" 

Well, my free ride is over, people.  A few weeks back, the DMV busted me for pretending to be young.  "To the short Jewish gal in Sherman Oaks," the testy notice began, "you've carried this charade on long enough. While you may still be short, and your eyes may still be hazel, we seriously doubt that anything else on this license, including your weight and your hair color, is remotely true. We order you to appear at a DMV located nowhere near your home, preferably in Winnetka, where they barely passed your son after his 12th attempt to get a license. For the priviledge of entering our germ-ridden zone of coughers and sneezers, you will pay us $28, plus $2 if you wish to donate your organs. You can donate them upon arrival, or at your earliest convenience.  We leave it up to your discretion.  During your stay with us, you will have a new photo taken, one that accurately portrays how old you've gotten.  Let's face it, you are no longer the fetching young lass you once were.  Therefore, we command you to appear before your next birthday -- did we mention YOU'RE OLD -- or else we will track you down and run you over with a large vehicle.  Affectionately, your friends at the DMV."