I'll Drink To That

"Happy 35th, honey."
"Happy 35th, sweetie."
"For our 50th... kina hora, I'm going to make you grill 50 chicken breasts."
"That's not happening."
"Okay, then we'll go out."

Bedmaker, Bedmaker

Bedmaker, bedmaker
The bed is made just by the touch of your hand
Bedmaker, bedmaker
Make me some beds, make all the beds look made

Bedmaker, bedmaker
The bed is made, the sheet is so smooth
It's been tucked by the maid
Bedmaker, you know your work's never done
(apologies to Traffic)

Things I Should've Said To Jon Voight

And vice versa: "Hang on! Is that... oh my God... it's the SJG!" 

It's not often I see a major celeb at Gelson's. The other day, there he was, pushing his own cart like a real person: Mr. Jon Voight, tall and dapper in a navy blue sport coat, happy to be recognized. I'm telling you, he would've talked to anyone, even the SJG. And yet, I played hard to get, preferring to think about the things I should've said, but wisely didn't:

"Alas, Jon Voight! I saw you play Hamlet at Cal State Northridge in 1976. You bore me to death a thousand times, and how abhorr'd it was! But you were super cute. I'll give you that."

"Mr. Voight, not that it's any of my business, but when has that stopped me before. How are things with Angie? Did she ever resolve those pesky abandonment issues?"

"Mr. Voight, I hear you're an honorary member of the tribe. I make a wonderful kugel to die for. So delish, it'll make your dreidel spin. What's your address? I'll drop off a Pyrex."

Who Put The Ape In Apricot?

The Great Dried Apricot Debate:
A merchant bought a sack of dried apricots from a distributor, only to discover upon opening the bag that they had begun to spoil. He marched into the distributor's office and demanded his money back, but the man refused, claiming the apricots were fresh when he sold them. The dispute escalated until finally, they called in the Rabbi to settle things once and for all. The Rabbi pours out the sack of dried fruit on the desk and carefully examines the contents. He picks up an apricot and pops it into his mouth, taking his time chewing. He nods. Then he eats another and shakes his head. And another and another, sometimes shaking his head, sometimes nodding, until the entire sack is almost empty.

"So, rabbi," asks the merchant. "What do you think?" Placing the last apricot into his mouth, he looks at both men and shrugs his shoulders. "How should I know? I'm a rabbi, not an apricot expert." 

KGB:

The phone rings at KGB headquarters, sometime in the 1960's.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this KGB?"

"Da."

"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Hershel Yankovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

The next day, the KGB sends their hoodlums to Hershel's tiny house. Out back, in the shed, they violently break every piece of firewood in their search for contraband. They find nothing. Angry and cursing, they leave. 

Ten minutes later, the phone rings at Herchel's house.

"Hello, Hersh, did the KGB show up?"

"They just left."

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"They certainly did."

"Good. Now it's your turn to call. My vegetable patch needs plowing."

The Second Flood:

A volcano erupts with a colossal explosion. Scientists predict that within three days, the ensuing giant tsunamis will flood the entire earth, and put all land under water. 

The Pope appears on television and encourages everyone to accept Jesus Christ so at least their immortal souls will be saved.

The head Muslim also goes on TV to recommend that everybody immediately convert to Islam, so they may spend eternity with Allah.

The Dali Lama appears on TV and urges everyone to become Buddhist, so they may reach Nirvana.

The Chief Rabbi of Israel goes on national TV and says, "We have three days to learn how to live under water."

http://www.bubbygram.com/zenjewishhumor.htm

I Think of Lavender

The last time I was in my dance studio, a mere week ago, the room was a lovely lavender. It's been this color for a long time. How long? How should I know? You'll have to trust me on this. Years and years of lavender. I'm used to seeing myself bathed in lavender while I master my quadruple pirouettes and flash my jazzy jazz hands. When I think of dance, I think of lavender. And yet... last night, I thought I was in the wrong studio. I was discombobulated, and then some. Where lavender once bloomed was now a wall of white and dark gray. Make that three walls of white and dark gray. Was I back in school? Or prison? Then I turned around... something I shouldn't have done. I wasn't ready. I hadn't fully processed this institutional palette change. But I turned around, anyway, and got a pop of color that shocked me to the depths of my being. You're right. I probably should've medicated myself first. What's that? Doubled my normal dose? Fair enough. The wall with the mirror was coral.

It was a WTF of the highest order. It was a "Coral Is The New Lavender" moment. I felt transported to Hawaii. I was snorkeling again. (The SJG snorkeling? Hey, it happened once.) It was beachy and serene. I could almost hear the waves. I started looking for my cabana boy. I needed an emergency tropical drink. On top of which, I look so good in coral. I just bought a dress in coral. I paint my toes coral. And my lips and my... oh, you get the picture. I'm all about the coral. Not necessarily an entire wall of it. But still. Of course, I wasn't the only one thrown by the shifting of the colors. Every dancer who stepped in the studio fell down the rabbit hole. It was fun to watch.

Some came back in time to start class. Others are still down there having a tea party with the Mad Hatter. I think I'll miss them the most.

Authority Figure

Because I said so.

Dear SJG,
What makes you such an authority on everything?
Insincerely,
Anonymous

I just know stuff.

Dear Anonymous,
If not me, then who? You? Please.
You're welcome,
The SJG

SJG Shvitz Report

I'm melting...

So today it will be hot. Tomorrow it will be hot, too. After that, don't ask. To sum it up: God's a/c is on the fritz. If you're smart, you'll stay put, have an ice cold glezel tei and shvitz in silence. At some point, maybe months from now, it'll turn chilly and you'll need a sweater. You're welcome.

Free refills