Unreality Show Axed!

"If your life was a reality TV show, would you watch it?"

VH-1 has rudely axed the reality show starring the SJG. Last July, the network debuted the eight-episode series, "The SJG: Her Story," which gave her blog fans a glimpse into her non-celebrity life, not to mention, the opportunity to cut through the endless tabloid fodder. 

Certain headlines were harder to disprove than others.  "SJG SPENDS LAST NIGHT WORRYING." Hard to refute, due to its factual nature. "SJG SPROUTS EXTRA THUMB." Much easier to dispute, considering she got rid of the extra thumb before hitting puberty. "Let's just say the extra thumb thing may have earned me 'freak' status on the playground, but did nothing for my social life," she told Variety before the show premiered.  

"We pulled the plug because the SJG refused to cooperate with some of our planned stunts," a VH-1 spokesman said. "She said no to streaking Ventura Boulevard, which we thought would've been both hilarious and alarming to drivers and pedestrians in the immediate vicinity. Her thumb's down (see what we did there?) was the final straw. But we wish her well in her pursuit of whatever the hell she's trying to do these days. Listen, we gave her a shot at fame and fortune and she blew it. All she wanted to do was kvetch and eat kugel, which, just between us, doesn't make for interesting TV."

Love Is Love Is Love

There are only so many ways to say, "Never Again." But it has happened again, yet another tragedy too awful to comprehend. Leave it to Lin-Manuel Miranda to find the perfect words, a sonnet to Orlando at last night's Tony Awards:

It Takes A While

It takes a while
To find your place
It takes a while
To like your face
It takes a while
To keep your pace
It takes a while
To state your case
It takes a while
To claim your space
It takes a while
To fill your vase
It takes a while
To win your race
It takes a while
To say your grace
It takes a while
To cut your chase
It takes a while
To find your place

Short Jewish Queen of the Universe

I'm not in this photo.

If you're anything at all like the SJG, and if you are, I'll give you a few psychiatric referrals I keep handy, you spend a good deal of your day wondering, "What are the qualifications to become Queen of the Universe? Is it too late for me? Can I still apply?" Last night, I decided to find out if I, humble height-impaired writerly gal that I am, a few pounds over the legal supermodel limit, made the regal grade. I mean, seriously. Why shouldn't I enter this international pageant? Why shouldn't the SJG of Sherman Oaks join this elite global group of super glam, genetically, not to mention cosmetically, enhanced, gorgeous humans? They were right there in the only dance studio that still lets me in. (List of public places the SJG has been banned from available upon request.) Wasn't this a sign from above that it was my time to shine?

Imaginary Friend Request

"Guess who sent me a friend request today?"
"Who?"
"None other than.... cue trumpets... Bill Clinton. That's right. President Bill Clinton sent me, your favorite mother, a friend request. How do you like them apples?"
"Ma."
"Clearly, he's heard about me, my charm, my magnetism, my overall, how you say, je nais sais quoi, and he's decided, 'Damn, I need to know that adorable SJG.' "
"Ma."
"What, my son? What?"
"It's not really Bill Clinton."
"Excuse me?"
"It's not him."
"Poppycock, my son. Of course, it's Bill."
"It's not."
"You have offended me, deeply, child."
"See you later."
"Go to your room."
"I'm going to work."
"Perhaps it's time for you to find your own accommodations. Elsewhere."
"I'm on it, Ma."

Not So Famous Quotes

"A kugel, a kugel, my kingdom for a kugel."
-- Richard, the third nudnik in the family

"Would it kill you to be nice to the SJG?  That's all I'm asking."
-- Anonymous left-handed blogger

"He who cuts me off in traffic is a big fat doodie head."
-- Long-time resident of Sherman Oaks

"She who talks in temple talks in movie theaters, too."
--  Wise, height-challenged Jewiss

"Out of uncertainty, comes absolute bupkis."  
-- the SJG

 SJG & Sara Starr, 1987

 "Everything's old, including me." 
-- Grandma Shorty

Uh Oh, I'm Getting Happy Feet

This is how I'm feeling today. I'm feeling very Steve Martin-ish, circa the 1970s. My feet are so happy, it's silly. Despite all their various issues, what with the heel spur and the plantar this-and-that, my feet are giddy. My feet just took me up and down the hall, up and down the stairs, and I've yet to reach for the Advil. Why are my feet so happy? Along with the rest of me? Well, let me think about that for a half a second. We just nominated a woman for Prezzy of the USA. This is a big eff'n deal, peeps. If that's not a super historical reason for happy feet, what is?