Meet Snooty Nigel

Nigel, my snooty new re-interpreter 

One of the perks of being Pope: You get an interpreter whenever you want. This got me thinking. I'd like to have a re-interpreter on call, someone named Nigel, a snooty fellow to repeat what I'm trying to say in a very snooty way. With Nigel standing by, future exchanges might contain extra layers of guilt and meaning. For instance:

Household member: "What's for dinner?"
SJG: "Nothing."
Snooty Nigel: "By nothing, I mean of course there's something for dinner. What's for dinner defines my humble existence. To clarify, there's always something for dinner because I've taken half a day to figure it out, go buy it, make it or reheat it. There will be food on the table. You shall eat it and like it."

What's that? You'd like another for instance. I thought you'd never ask:

Household member: "How was your day?"
SJG: "Fine."
Snooty Nigel: "By fine, I mean not fine. Not fine at all. In reality, it was a day of aggravation and personal strife. I severely strained my neck parallel-parking. I have no clue how I did that. A team of specialists is looking into the incident and will file a report. But I don't wish to concern you with my list of woes. In honor of the Jewish New Year, I've decided to complain less. I'm certain this experiment will be an epic fail. But I remain mildly optimistic."