There's No Such Thing As Free Coffee

(Sherman Oaks) In honor of National Coffee Day, the SJG will be serving "free" coffee this morning in her Tuscan-style estate. Normally, she charges guests a dollar per cup of java. "Someone has to help pay for the re-piping," the SJG said in an exclusive interview with The Daily Kvetch. But today, she stressed, if you show up at her door in search of caffeine, she'll pour you a mug once you're officially cleared to come inside. "You can't be too careful these days. Just last week one of my neighbors refused to take off her faux Jimmy Choos during the SJG Security Check. Who knows what she's stashed inside that knock-off Birkin she shleps around. It would've been irresponsible to let her in." That said, if you make it past the SJG Nudnik Scanner, and answer a few inappropriate questions of a deeply personal nature, "I promise to welcome you into my home, share a fresh brew and regale you with the story of how I fell madly in love with coffee. It happened in college and trust me, it's more compelling than 'The Notebook.' You'll cry, you'll rejoice, and God willing, you'll leave."