The Tournament of Schmoses

Hello, Shalom and welcome to the first, and God willing, not the last Tournament of Schmoses, coming to you from Sherman Oaks, and hosted by, who else, me, the Short Jewish Gal. For today's event, I'm wearing a stunning pink robe and fluffy slippers. I would've put on my Vera Wang and a little makeup, but then I figured, why bother, this thing isn't being televised. What's that? It is being televised? Well, spank my butt and call me Chana. I guess it's too late to run home and transform. Oh well, as my mother used to say, it's important to look comfy, and I believe I've achieved that today. It goes without saying that I'm excited to host the Tournament of Schmoses. It's about time we honor the ordinary dummies, dimwits and doofuses just trying to get through their boring-asses days with a shred of dignity. Speaking of which, here to open up the event are Joe Schmo and his Sassy Gal Accordion Band, playing their big hit, "This Is What I Shlepped For."