Miracle On Fairfax Avenue

Santastein is coming to town.

Tonight on SJG-TV, why not enjoy "Miracle On Fairfax Avenue": When Kvetch Krinkle learns that the schmendrick assigned to play Santastein in Canter's Annual Latke Parade is completely fershnikit, he rats him out to fetching single mom/deli manager Doris Plotnick. "So, quit your kvetching," Doris says, "and take his place." "Gimme a slice of that chocolate chip babka and I'll do it." She throws in some rugelach and off he goes to the parade. Naturally, he's so good at playing Santastein that Canter's hires him to boost business and they sell more lox than all the other delis on Fairfax.

But then, some conflict! When Sheila, Doris' daughter, hears Kvetch Krinkle speaking Hebrew to the Israeli bus boy, Hungarian to the dishwasher and German to the cashier, she's convinced this multi-lingual mensch is the true Santastein. "Mama, he's real!" Sheila says. "He's not real," Doris says. "He's real!" "It's a costume." "The beard is real!" "It's fake." "I hate you, Mommy." "You don't mean that." "I do, too!" Doris grounds her for life. The next day, she orders Krinkle to tell Sheila he's not the real Santastein. "Sorry, Toots, no can do." "Why not?" "I'm the real deal." "Ha ha, very funny." "I'm not kidding around." "There's no such thing as Santastein. He's just made up to make Christmas-deprived Jews feel better."

"Well, that's a jaded interpretation." "So will you tell her the truth?" "That I'm real? I'd be delighted to." "But you're just a fairytale." "A fairytale, huh? You wanna see my birth certificate?" "It couldn't hurt." "If only I could show it to you. Too bad I left it too close to the menorah one year and bye bye, birth certificate." "Oh, please. You expect me to believe that?" "Why not?" "You're fired, Kvetch." "I'm not going anywhere. This is my job." "Not anymore." Cue the plot complications! Krinkle refuses to leave. Doris calls the cops. Krinkle's taken away in cuffs and put on trial to prove he's the sanest and realest Santastein on Fairfax. Meanwhile, business at Canter's dries up faster than an overcooked Hanukkah brisket. Enter Freddy Finkelstein, a nice lawyer who takes Krinkle's case pro bono, proves he's real and in his spare time, wins over Doris. Oh, and guess who marries Doris and Freddy and nine months later performs the briss? Yep. Kvetch Krinkle. Aka, The Real Santastein. (SJG-TV, starting around 9-ish.)