Imaginary Support Animal Barred From Flight

(Sherman Oaks) A short Jewish rapidly-aging goddess threw an epic hissy fit when she learned that airlines no longer would be required to accommodate imaginary emotional support animals under new federal rules proposed Wednesday. "I've been bringing my imaginary emotional support guinea pig Stuart Little on every flight I've been on since I was a little girl growing up in the humble village of Westwood," she told reporters gathered in her palatial kitchen. "Look, Stuart Little was a mouse in the book, I get it, tell me something I don't know, but in my world, I made him a guinea pig. Why? I'll tell why. Because I needed a sense of power, capiche? I hope that's cool with you there in the back. Save some kugel for the others. Stuart Little was everything to me. Imagine my shock and surprise when I got him a buddy, King Saul, named during my biblical phase, and Stuart not only gave birth, but plotzed on the same day. I don't think I've ever gotten over it. This explains why I take Stuart with me as my spirit animal, my emotional rock, on flights to keep me calm. The one time I left him home, I started doing the hora up and down the aisle, involuntarily, on a turbulent flight to Kansas and spent a little time in airport jail. I don't like to talk about it. So they can't take him/her or should I say them, away from me." At this juncture in the press conference, the same kugel-hogger/reporter raised his hand. "Not to upset you further, but there's nothing in the rules about banning imaginary emotional support animals." "Say what now?" "They're trying to block the poorly-behaved live ones, the peacocks, snakes, pigs and turkeys that people try to pass off as emotional support animals to avoid paying the fee to transport them." "So you're saying I misread the rules?" "Yes." "Oh well. That's very different. Never mind."