My Only New Year's Resolution

I never thought I'd be so excited for Monday. But today, I'm ecstatic. Why? I'll tell you why. Because I finally know it's Monday, as opposed to last week, when I couldn't tell you what day it was if my life depended on it. Fine, maybe if you shoved a calendar in my punim, shamed me, repeatedly, interrogated me for hours under a hot lamp, and held up a flash card that said, "Today is ---, you dummy," I might have been able to identify the day. But let's get back to basics, m'kay? According to the non-profit SJG Mental Health Institution of Sherman Oaks, the fact that today is Monday, and I know it's Monday and don't have to verify it with anyone is such a good thing. In 2020, I have only one goal, one resolution: I'd like to know what day I'm occupying without asking anyone in my immediate vicinity. That's it. This is my gift, not just to me, the well-deserving recipient, but also to anyone I hold captive until they tell me what the eff day it is, anyway. As for the date itself, who cares, I never know and don't expect that to change. In 2020, I'm keeping it simple. Who's with me?