You Think You've Got Stress

Let's face it. The holidays are a pain in the tukis for all concerned. No matter what you celebrate, you're looking at a nice fat helping of stress. How do I know this? The SJG just knows sh*t. It is my gift and my burden. Here are a few friendly tips to get you through Xmas and beyond with your sanity intact:

Avoid your relatives. Of course, it's unrealistic for you and your spouse/significant playmate to avoid both your families at the same time. Someone has to suffer, and it might as well be the guy or gal you call "honey cakes" in private. The best way to determine who gets to avoid his/her mishpocha is to fight for it. You're in it to win it, baby. Bring your A game. I'm talking arm wrestling, Twister, Trivial Pursuit, Competitive Name-Calling. Go for it. You want this. You want this baaad. And please, hire a ref in case someone gets ornery and requires a time-out. The loser has to spend the holidays with his/her relatives. The winner stays home. Woo-hoo!

But why? You need a good reason. Pick a pretend illness and stick with it. Do not waver. Is it a cold or flu? You can't have both. Write it down if you can't remember what horrible bug you've caught from some inconsiderate germ-provider. Otherwise, you're going to blow your cover, and then what? Your family is a lot smarter than you think. Remember, these people know how to work with guilt.  They may not buy the whole "I've got the Sherman Oaks flu" thing. What to do if Uncle Seymour calls you up and asks if you're avoiding him? It's tempting to lie, but don't. By all means, say yes, Uncle Seymour, I am avoiding your sorry ass. And to kick it up a notch, tell Uncle Seymour why.
 

"Uncle Seymour, I can't take any more of your raunchy poetry readings during dessert. There are only so many words that rhyme with Nantucket." Sure, Uncle Seymour might be a tad offended. If you're lucky, he might even stop talking to you altogether. What better way to debut the Newly Upgraded Authentic Version of You for 2016?

So, to review, the three keys to a stress-free holiday: Avoidance. Fake Illness. Brutal honesty. Follow these rules and I guarantee, your holiday will be very quiet. If it means you're out of the will, so be it. You're welcome.