The Almosts

As a wise, internationally-acclaimed blogger once said, "It's the almosts that hurt the most." What do I mean by the almosts? Shall we start with what I don't mean?

The Almosts are not a family of orangutans that almost rented the house next door for the summer.

The Almosts are not a family of bagpipers that almost rented the house next door for the summer. And thank God on both counts.

So what are they, then? Be patient. I'm about to tell you. The Almosts are those wonderful, potentially life-changing things that almost happen. They're supposed to happen. They're scheduled to happen. They're already on the calendar. All signs point to a big fat, "Hey, look what's happening, bitches!" But then, in terms of happening, they just don't... happen. Why? All sorts of lame-ass reasons. Mainly, the universe pulls the rug out from under your tuchas and says, "Never mind." Which is why the almosts hurt the most. They feel so close, so real, that you just have to brag in your understated way. You just have to tell everyone. And then when it turns to ka-ka, you have to swallow your pride. You have to doubleback and say, "Uh yeah, so that's not happening."

It's the almosts that are hard to shake. But shake, you must. Otherwise, you'll sink into a scalding cauldron of deep despair, and what good will that do? Not much. So listen to the SJG. Shake, shake, shake, sistah. Shake it, don't break it, brutha. You heard me. Shake. It. I'm shaking, spasmodically right now. Come join me, won't you?